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Originally Posted by Lasura  Ummm... it's nice to read. I love the way you create dialogues, they are great- perfect. The way you enter the dialogues in the story is a bit odd, but I guess that is because it's something new to you  I just would suggest not to tell what the person who will talk will say, it's more interesting to read that way ^^
The idea is great, but I think you rushed over this just a bit too fast, I couldn't fully enjoy it... And sometimes you could use "he" instead of "Kalous".. .the second sentence could use it, because like this it seems a bit out of place...
Well alltogether a great work, it's very good for a first story... i'm even ashamed to show my first stories *giggles* Kepp it up and i will be waiting for more... This is just an introduction, right? |
Heres a better one
Prologue: Kalous
Kalous was an old man very much into learning martial arts, he trained like no other and studied all out threw his time. One day as he trained on the mountain tops a surge of energy shot from his entire body. Dumbfounded he sat and pondered for a moment, for he thought that surely there was no way he could have done this. When he'd ran threw his mind a dozen times over he began to research what had happen, and at the end of he researching he'd found an answer. He found out that when a person is born they are able to use both sides of the brain, but as time goes on and they learn to talk and walk amoung other things one part of the brain shuts down. The part of the brain that shuts down is part that allows people to channel their natural energy or (chi) Once this part of your brain shuts down it is very hard to connect with that side of yourself and therefore it becomes almost like an instinctive power sleeping inside of everyone and everything. Once Kalous had figured this out he begin to train three children that he himself hand picked. These three children were Hayata, Tirika,and Fei , he taught them carefully and when the time was right they each had found out about their powers on their on. Kalous now ran into another problem that he could not fix , he knew that if the world found out about this power they'd use it for war, but he could not prevent this from happening , for as he'd found out about his powers so would another person. After pondering he thought of nothing that he could do to prolong the inevitable, his three students came to him protesting a idea. The idea of creating a parallel universe was ultimately complicated and beyond something himself could, but before he could finish talking to himself the three were already at work creating a parallel universe. Astounded Kalous felt his eyes start to water, as he thought to himself " I taught those three" Once the Hayata, Tirika, and Fei had finished they explained how they would try to do as Kalous had done for them. They would go out into the world and hand pick three students of their own and train them as they'd been trained. Years went by and their were begining to be to many students so a school was built and named Arckaum, Hayata, Trikia ,and Fei became the Elder's of Arckaum and Kalous was the Grand Elder, but three years later Kalous disappeared no one knows what happen to him , people say he went back to the real world and died peacefully, many say he went back to training, but no one really knows what happened to him.