Was quite good until the last line actually, as it felt unfinished or hasted to end so. It would have been interseting for it to go on, unless you think of continuing it at another time? A lot of potential was built up and leaves me on a cliff hanger...though this makes me think a little bit about ''Lilium'', a flash animation which you can find on Newgrounds. The video may not resemble it at first, but I feel a similarity.
I'm glad to see your still at it, writing on and on ^^
EDIT: Said link of Lilium:
Lilium