| Re: Forsaken
My suggestions (in black) :
In a deserted playground,
The little girl embraces herself
unpleasantly the numbing wind
blows, rocking her to sleep.
this is like my style
I'm being pretentious when I say this, but I like your ideas with my words =P
*gawsh I sound stuck up...*
I'm just saying that you have a really powerful image here and if you allow yourself to lose the rigidity of set structures you can have a piece which flows in some parts and really hits the reader hard.
My advice:
Do your best and even if you have arse faces like myself who bog down on your work eventually you'll become more amazing then anyone.
Afterthought:
I'm sorry for the low quality comment I left you earlier, you deserved better.
anyways I said that this poem was an 8 but give it work and it could easily be in some literary text books somewhere because like I said earlier, you have a powerful image to work with. Let it sit on your mind for a while then give it a will and let it write itself. You are a brilliant writer (the last stanza alone is well... wow. but yeah let that happen the whole way through)
I think you should consider swapping " a lifeless lair" for his. but it's totally your call.
PM me if you have any questions or if you want to rant at me for being such a prick.
Cuz I am when it comes to trying to help. I think it does people (and their art) injustice to not be blunt. So yeah, sorry if i seem harsh but then agian not really because it means I respect you. |