Well it is good it jumps around a bit.....but good keep on writing more....and in some parts it can get confusing if a person it a very fast reader like me.
She had lost all consciousness that evening it was either she had too much to drink or she was too tired. When she saw a man beside her on her bed her immediate action was too look underneath the blanket to see if she had clothes on her. She smiled to herself and said Thank God i thought it had been one of those nights
Without meaning to she turned to her left and found the man beside her smilling at her. You don't remember do you? I won't tell you anything if you promise to give me a chance to get to now you. My name is Lance by the way. She watched the man get up from the bed and saw him walk to change his clothes.Talk about awkwardshe said to herself this time nearly angry that she doesn't remember a thing. It seems her other personality had taken over again, but this time is seems to have decided that he is good for her. Leiny had a lot to catch up on.
The sun had shone across the room as she searched where in the world were the rest of her things. She seemed at peace somehow but she knew that this was another affair that will bring her sadness which she prayed would not be the case. Every time Leiny saw her reflection her twin's reflection was the one looking back at her. Always the shadow but never the one to be seen or shine.
Her Elfin features were not as prominent as her parents had been. As for Lance ,he had been infatuated by her since he first saw her. She doesn't even remember that they had met 3 years ago in the carnival.
Lance had been walking around the carnival bored out of his mind. He had been pulled into a booth where some girls had been giglling and saw one of them quiet in the booth like she didn't want to be there.
You okay miss? As she looked up her hair had fallen paritally on her face and had never seen an Elf like her before. His heart had skipped a beat so to say and found her the fairest creature he had seen.
She nodded and smiled shyly and what a sight that was for him. Before he knew it, they were putting cuffs on him and putting a veil on her.Well what the heck he thought. it's only something in a carnival.
He didn't see her after that til three years after in a tavern near his inn. Yet her eyes had a sadness in them now that was not there before.
wow great job lol post more soon (silly 50 char thing)
I like the name of the title it really explains alot. Your writing skills are pretty good just a few errors though. When the character speaks make sure you put quotation marks at the beggining of the characters statement sentence to the end. Just to let the read know that the character is talking. I do like that you put a brighter color when one of the characters speak i like that just add quotation marks with that. Um the second last paragraph sencond sentence it says"Before he knew it, they were putting cuffs on him and putting a veil on her". i know who is they but some readers may not know who they is. Um forth paragraph first sentenc it says"Her Elfin fetures were not as prominent as her parents had been" you spelled feature wrong. just a common mistake i make mistakes alot lol. first paragraph last sentence put a period at the end of that sentence. 4th paragraph second sentence "As for Lance he had been infatuated by her since he first saw her" put a comma after Lance. I personally like this story I hope that theres more to this im interested. you did pretty good. now im no english teacher but i try to help ya as best as I can.
The twins were complete opposites as light is to day.While lucy was blond and all sunshine Leiny had Dark reddish brown hair and quiet.
The difference between them changed the day Lucy's body had died and because their parent's didn't want Leiny to be alone had cast a spell that bound the two of them in one body. Leiny had dyed her hair blond three years ago after the carnival and the accident. Her mind was also playing tricks on her since she was seeing her sister in the mirror laughing and telling her how to fix herself, how to dress and how to smile.
three years after she goes to a tavern and finds herself in a man's bed chamber beside him like he knew her. She had quickly gotten up and heard him say "You don't remember do you? I won't tell you anything if you promise to give me a chance to get to now you. My name is Lance by the way". she stayed in the bed for a while so that she was under the covers. She felt herself blushing furiously.She got up the bed clutching the small towel on the chair. " The bath is ready with hot water" Lance had said as he came back again and he was smilling this time as she tried to hide herself with the small towel. " You know it's late for shyness." He had said and went out grinning.
As Leiny was in the bath she doesn't understand why he spoke to her that way. Her heart was skipping and beating so fast that she didn't understand what was happening. Lately she has been doing stuff she does not remember, yet she was reacting so strongly to the man. "lucy was this you again? Why do you keep on doing this? " She whispered. She was surprised when Lance had entered the bath bringing in a tray, he put the tray on the table and knelt beside her smilling like she was the most special person in his life. She was having time breathing when he looked in to her eyes. Tears rolled down her eyes as she closed them for her heart was aching since she knew that Lucy was the one taking control again. She didn't know hw she felt this time but she knew that she was starting to fall for someone who she hardly knew. Starting to trust someone who didn't know the curse that marked her soul.
How can she give her heart away knowing that she is not truly one person nor can any man understand her heart, mind, body and soul. She wa falling and reeling so fast that she didn't understand what was going on to her and she wanted to shut eveything out to what was happening to her.
Your doing a wonderful job.. It has a pretty good flow to it.. But what I've seemed to notice in a lot of people's stories now is that they have what the character saying inside the paragraph instead of like this
Without meaning to she turned to her left and found the man beside her smilling at her.
"You don't remember do you? I won't tell you anything if you promise to give me a chance to get to now you. My name is Lance by the way. "
She watched the man get up from the bed and saw him walk to change his clothes.Talk about awkward she said to herself this time nearly angry that she doesn't remember a thing. It seems her other personality had taken over again, but this time is seems to have decided that he is good for her. Leiny had a lot to catch up on.
But oh well, I like your story and can't wait to read more. ^^
X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X
X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X
PhoenixSara (Aug 04, 2008)
I like it but I'm not awake enough to be picky for you so that'll have to wait until another time. I do like the idea of the story thus far though.
... and join my rebellion against time.
PhoenixSara (Jul 17, 2008)
The Affair- Lance De Avalon
He has always had problems talking to other people about how he felt. Since his family was considered second class citizens since his father married someoene beneath his class and a human magic user versus an elf.
He was left mostly alone til the night he met the lady elf three years ago. Lance couldn't get his eyes off her as her face was the type that grew on you.
He never really remembered anything aside from wanting to introduce himself to asking how she was but after the ruckus and commotion at the carnival three years ago he never saw her again and the only thing that he got as a souveneir is a small polaroid (which he kept in his wallet) and a silver ring which he kept around his neck till he saw her in his tavern again.
She passed out and nothing happened but it was easier to put her in his room just so that the male guests don't get any ideas and he has been teasing her since they woke that morning.
"You don't remember do you? I won't tell you anything if you promise to give me a chance to get to now you. My name is Lance by the way. " He walked out of the room to get some breakfast and how she still made his heart race. He forgot to tell her that the bath was ready and had stepped back in and said " The bath is ready with hot water" Lance had said as he came back again and he was smilling this time as she tried to hide herself with the small towel. " You know it's late for shyness." He had said and went out grinning. It's a good thing she was so conscious about how she looked like that she didn't see himself blush. Just the sight of her looking like she did this morning made him blush.
He said a little spell for remembering " Let her heart remember who I am. Let her feel the love and where it had begun" was what he muttered under his breath.
A few minutes after Lance had entered the bath bringing in a tray, he put the tray on the table and knelt beside her smilling, he couldn't look at her like she was the most cherished thing he had in the world at that moment.Lance had seen Leiny's tears roll down and he didnt' want her crying and couldn't help him self he kissed her lightly to say you don't have to be afraid of me.
" Don't cry Lein, you have nothing to worry from me the least I will not take advantage of you. after this you can have breakfast and i will bring you home. My intentions are pure,like i said earlier just give me a chance." Lance has smiled gently and kissed her on the forehead and went to wait in the bedroom and fixed up the table for breakfast.