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Thread: The Drake Lady (an anime story with a twist..it's sorta real!)

  1. #1
    Newbie Lolgirl is off to a good start Lolgirl's Avatar
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    The Drake Lady (an anime story with a twist..it's sorta real!)

    Sweat dripped on his hand as he fiddled with the lock.The door to the Master Fanggaurder's room was a heavy door,made of oak.Well of course,they had something to protect in there after all.

    The lock clicked and slid back.Number XVI cheered silently.Slowly he turned the handle and crept into the room.Lucky for him,the door hinges were well oiled.The Master expected the best and

    would take nothing less than what he wanted,no matter what it took.And that included oiling door hinges.Leaving the door slightly ajar in case a quick escape was needed he lit a candle

    and held it up so he could see better.He needn't have done it really,the moon's light came through the windows casting a silvery beam around everything so effectivley that you wouldn't have even

    needed your eyes to see.The candle's bright orangey light seemed out of place.Noticing this,Number XVI blew it out and left the candle in a stand on a nearby bookshelf.Besides,what he had come for gave enough light itself.

    On a desk in the far corner of the room stood two eggs.They were gold in colour and each emitted it's own steady glow.These were the pick of the season.Gold eggs were rare and extremley hard to come by

    not to mention powerful so when the Master had landed up with two he wanted it kept quiet.

    Drake's normally produce fleshy white eggs,sometimes with speckles on the slightly bumpy areas.The ones that produced eggs with colour were honoured beasts,but none had managed a gold egg.

    No,these eggs came from a stranger.The Drake had turned up sick and pregnant outside the barn one morning.The Master Fanggaurder gave the healers strict instructions to nurse it as long as necessary.

    The sick Drake was a beautiful blue.Her shiny scales changed according to her mood so when she didn't look her best she was usually upset or sulky.During her stay she was entrusted to Number XVI's care,

    as the healers were busy people and they knew him well.He decided to name his charge Aura.And indeed the name suited her,for her eyes seemed to sense any feeling whatsoever.Number XVI was sure

    that,quite a few times,her yellow eyes had seen straight through him.Aura had sepnt two weeks flourishing in special care when she went into labour and produced a hatching of 5 eggs.Shortly after this her

    condition took a turn for the worse and she died on a chilly May morning.The matter of her hatching was no problem,the workers delivered the two golden eggs to the Master Fanggaurder to be given to the main Master later and

    the rest they settled into the honoured Drake's nests.

    A healer had managed to gain a token from the Drake before she was buried and he had presented it to Number XVI with a smile."Something to remember her by." he had said as he carefully wrapped it in the boys fingers

    and hurried away.It was a Drake Talon.Drake talons are said to bring luck to the wearer and many people believed it.Number XVI didn't care about luck although what he was about to attempt would certainly need it.

    He wore the talon on a string around his neck.Although he hadn't realised it,he developed a habit for reaching for it when he was nervous.He fingered it now as he gazed at the two eggs.His heart still ached to look at them.

    Moving nearer he noticed something unusual,in the daylight both eggs seemed the same,but here in the moonlight,he saw that one of the eggs glowed brighter.not only an eggs colour,but the glow it gave off told the breeder

    which was the more powerful.Obviously the one on the left had more power,it radiated it,he felt sure.That one, he thought.That's the one.He reached for it,his hand trembling slightly.Just as he was about to take it,

    a door slammed open on the other side of the room.It was the Master Fanggaurder.Apparently he was an unusually light sleeper for such a big man.He stared at Number XVI whose hand still hovered in front of the eggs.

    Before he could do anything the boy grabbed one and bolted."After him!" the Fanggaurder cried."Don't let him get away!He has an egg!"Number XVI was already at the head of the stairs and sprinted down them three at a time,

    grateful he had such long legs.He ran to a door and pulled it open,disappearing into the room's depths.By now he had five gaurds on his tail,but he had an advantage.He knew this place better than they did.

    He hid in a dark corner,praying the glow of the egg wouldn't show through his shirt.The men rushed to an adjoining room and wrenched the door open,assuming he had run in there.He slipped out of the room again and sprinted to a door on the opposite side of the hall.He ran down a passage that led to the stables and jumped on a big mare called Berelyn.

    any comments you have I would love to hear!
    "...It's because I am afraid to convey my feelings,
    Even if I supress it in my head.
    I can't do anything about my heart."

  2. #2
    Newbie rocioap is off to a good start
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    Re: The Drake Lady (an anime story with a twist..it's sorta real!)

    hola Me gusta el foro pero es en ingles =(, y yo solo hablo espaƱol, en todo caso me encanta el anime x)

  3. #3
    Newbie Dandoria may be famous one day Dandoria may be famous one day Dandoria's Avatar
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    Re: The Drake Lady (an anime story with a twist..it's sorta real!)

    Hey Lolgirl! Good to see that there are a number of stories on this forum that smell of quality. And yours does! You may need a tad of improvement here and there, but if you've never had a literary agent to teach you the do's and don'ts, you're most certainly talented. I love your eye for detail and your fine vocabulary (well, English is one of your first languages, right?). The thing that strikes me the most is that you seem to hide a deeply developed setting behind this piece of work. This Number XVI (an unusual character title), these Masters and that interaction with the Drakes suggest that you carefully developed a sort of fictional society as the place to be in for the tale, prior to the actual writing of it. Well done! It means that you didn't start this project impulsively and unprepared. ^^

    My main issues of advice for you are these:
    - Contemplate what's of true importance to the actual story. Is it necessary to pay so much attention to the moonlight shining into the Master Fanggaurder's room and the light coming from Number XVI's torch in relation to that? Maybe you should focus more on the action, which is the most important and therefore the most interesting part of the plot. Right now the light is of little significance. I'd love to know, however, for instance, what Number XVI feels like in this atmosphere of moonlight. Does it make him afraid? Excited? And why? This way, you give the lighting a function in the action. The effect, as I have experienced myself, is awesome!
    - Think about the parts of the plot that you want to give away already and the ones that you don't yet. Should you tell the reader as soon as in the second paragraph where the eggs came from? I'd personally find it more thrilling to be excluded from this information the moment I wanted it. It would make me want to continue reading. You could keep this second paragraph for a later chapter, when Number XVI has escaped with that one egg (which I expect he will). Until then, the reader will constantly wonder what those eggs really are.
    I hope you find my comments useful. No thanks! I'm a fantasy writer as well and we can all learn from each other, can't we? Since you're from South Africa, you might be able to read my Dutch manuscripts... but I'm afraid not all the aspects of the texts will reach you. Too bad. I guess I need to become world famous first so somebody will make an apt translation! Ah, dreams...

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Dandoria; Jul 26, 2008 at 11:31 AM.

    - Darehan ci darevur -

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    Devoted Otaku Ghattenpaw is off to a good start Ghattenpaw's Avatar
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    Re: The Drake Lady (an anime story with a twist..it's sorta real!)

    Keep writing this has the potential to become a truly great story. I cant wait for the next chapter. It has great charecter development and outstanding description. you can picture the theft and chase easily. Next chapter please.

    Anything is Pawsable
    Growing old is Mandatory-Growing up is Optional

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