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Thread: Into the future. (Grandia 3) Ch.1-2 completed

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    Newbie Alfina-kun may be famous one day Alfina-kun may be famous one day
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    Into the future. (Grandia 3) Ch.1-2 completed

    Alright so I released Chapter 1 of this story about 3 weeks ago and I finally finished writing chapter 2. As I said before this story is viewed through the eyes of Alfina. Remember to leave a comment on this story saying if I could improve anybit of the story, and even leave me an example if you have the time. Thank you and here it is!

    Chapter 1

    “3 years ago... It seems so long ago that my brother resurrected the guardian Xorn, and tried to transform the world into what the verse realm looked like. But, even though we defeated Xorn... the inevitable still happened. My brother Emelious, was turned into a glass statue, just like those in the verse realm... all because of the curse of Xorn.”
    I sat at the kitchen table staring into the sky. “Alfina?” I turned around and standing behind me was Yuki. “Hey, what’s wrong Alfina? You’ve been staring out of that window for the last 5 minutes, so come on and tell me what’s wrong.” “Yuki... I was just... thinking about my brother, that’s all.” “Emelious huh... You sure do miss him huh, I can’t blame you though...” “Hmm, why not Yuki?” “Well, if you were to leave me, I would miss you but... you know that already.” “But, Yuki... you know that I’m not going to leave you.” I stood up, walked over to Yuki, and put my arms around him, and he did the same. “3 years seems like a long time huh? Think about it Alfina... you were 15 then and I was 16. Then again now that we are thinking about then, it seems like yesterday.” I nodded in agreement with him. “It’s also been that long since we last saw your mom and uh... Al... Alon...so, yeah Alonso. I wanna go see them.” Yuki sat down at the table and I followed. “Sure thing Alfina, we’ll go see them tomorrow. They are living in Mendi city now so, it could be a bit of a challenge to find them.”
    “Hey Yuki, are you going to see Schmidt while we’re in Mendi?” “Umm, Schmidt is... he’s dead Alfina.” I jumped up in shock as I cried out, “when... how...” I paused for a second. “Alfina... he died the day we rescued you from your brother, he sacrificed himself... so that I could be with you.” I ran up the stairs into my room and I fell down onto my bed crying. I was there for a few minutes crying until... “Hey umm... Alfina?” I looked over at my door and Yuki was there. I told him to come in. Yuki walked over and sat on the edge of my bed and put his arm around my head, then I buried my head into his chest and started crying even harder than I was before. “Hey Alfina, you don’t need to cry.” “But Yuki, if it wasn’t for me then... then...” Yuki interrupted me, “Alfina, it’s not your fault.” I went to respond but then Yuki put his fingers to my lips. “Shhh.” He whispered. “Why don’t you take a nap Alfina? It will make you feel better.” I thought about it for a second before taking my head out of Yuki’s chest. He wiped away my tears with his hands and pulled a quilt over me. “Hey Yuki.” “Hmm. What’s up?” I looked at him, I was trying my best not to sniffle but... “Yuki, will you stay here with me? I don’t know why but... I don’t want to be alone.” “Yeah, I’ll stay with you, at least until you fall asleep. I’ve gotta get the plane ready for tomorrow.” “Okay.” I said while I moved over to the side of my bed so that Yuki could lay down next to me.

    Chapter 2

    “Where am I?” I looked around, I was in a small room, a room that had 4 doors in it. As I looked around I saw some of my belongings from when I was a child, I also saw some of my modern belongings. On a table sat my brother, Emelious’ music box. On the floor sat a little toy horse that I used to ride when I was a child. “I can’t believe that I grew up so fast, it only seems like yesterday that I was a able to ride this. But... those doors, I wonder where they go? This all seems so, familiar to me... like I’ve been here before or something.” I walked over to the door and I put my ear against it... I figured I would like to see if I could hear if anyone is in there before I just go charging in. “Well, I guess I can’t just stand out here.” I opened the door and walked on in.
    “Emelious why are you here?” I looked down and I saw my brother, when he was about 12 and I was down there also. I guess I was around 6. “Master Emelious, there you are. You must hurry, the ceremony won’t last all day.” That was one of the monks that worked at Arcriff Temple. “Stay back, I don’t want to be a communicator!” I remember this, this is when my brother disappeared. “But master Emelious, that mark on your hand is proof that you were chosen by the guardians to be a communicator.” I looked at my brother. “This mark... is nothing but a lie!” My brother cut the monk with a knife and ran out the temple doors. I walked over to the younger me, and tried to talk to her but... it was like she didn’t even see me, so I walked back out of the door and into the room where I started. I looked over and there was still 3 doors that I guess I need to go through, but I heard someone calling my name. I looked around and I could not figure out where it was coming from.
    “Alfina! Alfina wake up!” I sat up in my bed to see that it was Yuki who was calling me. “Oh Yuki, why did you have to wake me up?” I got out of bed. “Well, it’s getting dark and it’s time for dinner.” I walked over to the door. “Do you want me to make dinner?” Yuki walked over to me and put his arm around me. “Nope, I already made it.” Yuki and I walked down the stairs to the kitchen where the table was full of food. I turned to Yuki and said, “hey, why is there so much food?” I looked back at the table and saw Ulf walking towards us. Hey came over and gave me a big hug while saying, “Hey Alfina, what’s up?” “Come on Ulf, give her some breathing room!” said Yuki, while giving a playful chuckle. Ulf let go of me and I replied to him. “Hey Ulf, how have you been? Well... now I see why Yuki made so much food.” “Haha Alfina, you haven’t changed a bit!” I blushed slightly and asked, “what do you mean, that I haven’t changed much?” “If you think about it for a minute or two you’ll see what I mean. Well I kinda want to eat now if you don’t mind.” “Of course Ulf, let’s eat!” I said.

    [about 2 hours later]

    We finished eating dinner and Yuki showed Ulf where the guest room is. Yuki and I walked up to our room where we finished packing the clothes and other stuff that we would be needing for our trip to Mendi tomorrow. “Hey Yuki, are you sure that your mom is living in Mendi?” Yuki replied, “well... they don’t live in Mendi but... they should be docking the boat there tomorrow.” I looked back at him, “how are you so certain that she will?” “Because... Sunday is the day that Miranda likes to go shopping. “Oh, ok I see! I’m going to bed now Yuki.” Yuki turned over to me, “alright, I’ll be up in a few minutes.” I put on my nightgown and climbed into the bed. I usually read a book before I go to bed but... I kinda want to wake up early tomorrow morning... and I dozed off to sleep.

  2. #2
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    Re: Into the future. (Grandia 3) Ch.1-2 completed

    Nice story alfina-kun. I really enjoyed reading your story. I will look forward to see the third chapter.

  3. #3
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    Re: Into the future. (Grandia 3) Ch.1-2 completed

    Before I go too much further with trying to read your story, you need to do some serious editing for format.

    First, separate all your paragraphs with a blank line like this:

    Paragraph 1 blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

    Paragraph 2. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
    Second, everytime the speaker changes, a new paragraph needs to start. Here is an example.
    "My pants are on fire," he said, "and I can't find the fire extinguisher."

    "How did your pants catch on fire?" she replied.

    "I was flicking my bic really hard and I guess the sparks caught a loose thread." He ran out the door screaming like a blasted fool. Unfortunately he forgot about the screen door and ran right through it. "Heeeeeeeelp meeeeee!" He yelled while scrambling around.

    "Retard," she muttered and went back to downloading.
    Third, 99% of the ellipses ( the "..." things) need to go away. Ellipses should be reserved for important dramatic pauses. For everything else, a simple comma is more than sufficient although you sadly are abusing the comma also.

    Most people will not even bother to try and read a poorly-formatted fanfic. The work it takes to wade through the words ends up taking away from any enjoyment the reader may get from the story. You have the beginnings of a good story so instead of just dismissing it due to the structural issues I'll make some suggestions on how to improve.

    It often helps to read the story out loud to yourself. By hearing your own voice -and not the voice inside your head- it can help you to figure out where the punctuation needs to be. It will also help you to figure out where an ellipse might be appropriate.

    The "chapters" are really, really, really, really short. Too short to even refer to them as chapters. A chapter should be considered almost like a mini-episode. You may want to combine your chaps. into just one chapter though it will still seem short. A short first chapter is okay since it tends to just set the stage for the beginning of the real story, but subsequent chapters need to have some real meat to them.

    I strongly recommend reading through other fanfiction to get an idea of how you want to present your story. Two popular places to check out are fanfiction.net and mediaminer.org. They both have large repositories of fanfiction.

    Mostly you should continue to work on and refine your story. Good fiction (fanfiction or original) takes time and effort, but the rewards are worth it.
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