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Thread: Light in the night

  1. #1
    Newbie SakinaFlutePlayer is off to a good start
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    Light in the night

    I don't really know how well I write even though someone said before that I was good... This is pretty much Naruto fanfiction but with my oh-so-famous-in-another-place made up characters. Warning: I don't check my spelling often!
    ____
    Chapter #1
    It was two am at night and every single house was sleeping. Shadows were present around every corner, and scary noises could be heard in a bush near by, suddenly, a raccoon runs out of the bush towards a house in search of food. Close, it almost saw you. A speeding car drove by, obviously in a hurry to their destination. For some, this night would be frightening but for others, this night is perfectly normal. These people are called, Shadow masters, they hide in the shadows when it is daylight, but during the night they are the rulers. Most regular people are frightened of The Shadow Masters for unexplainable reasons, whilst few people enjoy seeing at least one or two of these fighters hiding away in the shadows of the day. Each Shadow Master is born with twelve jutsu. They must master at least six of these shadow jutsu to become known as a full-fledged shadow master.

    In the bushes near a garage is a young looking shadow master of about eleven or twelve years old. As he crawls out from the bush it revealed a boy that held an emotionless face. He had shiny black hair that was cut off at the bangs revealing a grey right eye. The other side of his face was covered by his hair. The boy is wearing worn out Crimson red shorts while also wearing a worn out shirt that had hints of it once being blue. The boy unnoticeably was now running down the street, silently through the night. The child stopped in mid run and stepped backwards one but forced himself to walk onward. There were three figures each bigger than other were walking along the sidewalk talking in hushed tones. They were most defiantly not Shadow Masters like him. The child gulped and walked right towards the figures in the blackness of the night. ”H, hello?”, He greeted the now scary looking figures that were now confirmed to as men. The taller man in the group of three turned around and smiled, realizing the boy was no threat. ”Hello, there, youngster! What do you think you’re doing outside at this dangerous time of night?”, the man asked. The boy froze, Why did the man have to ask that?! “Sir, um… I live out here.” ,The boy spoke truthfully. All of the three men’s faces had questioning looks towards the child’s words. “I see…Then are you perhaps a, Shadow Master?” , The shorter of the men asked him. “Sachi-kun! How could this run-”, The older, and taller of the three men was cut off by Hakuryu saying, “ Yes, I am a, Shadow master. My name is, Hakuryu Hiwarity, What of it?” All three men jumped back in surprise of that fact but the middle highted man said calmly, “You are?” Hakuryu frowned but nodded a yes, “I am a full-fledged Shadow master, thank you very much.” The taller man giggled and taunted, “Oh, yeah, prove it you little runt.” Hakuryus’ face went completely blank and answered, “I don’t feel like wasting precious energy on you, it would be a waste of time.” The taller man laughed at this and said, “I guess that means you are lying! What a fool!” Hakuryu frowned. He had tried to be nice to them, but no, the man just had to push it! Quickly, Hakuryu made a one hand seal jutsu and mumbled, “Shadow trap!” Shadows quickly escaped their hiding spots and covered the victim completely. The man screamed, quite loudly and called for help. The two other members of the group drew out their kunai and threw it at the shadows. The shadows did not break, or run away like a human, They stuck to the pathetic victim. The mans chakra was slowly draining away from his body and the shadows ate it like a gorilla that went on a fifty day diet. “If I keep you within the hold of my shadows for five minutes all of your chakra will be drained from your worthless soul.” Hakuryu swiftly waved his hand behind him and the shadows now raced each other to their own hiding spot. The man that had been attacked had fallen to the ground, and did not move, not an inch. The two shorter men ran towards their friend and crying the mans name, “Mizuki! Mizuki! Are you ok?” No answer, it was obvious to Hakuryu that the stupid man was dead. He snorted and walked away in the other direction. Hakuryu sighed as he lay his stiff body against a white and black building made of wood. ‘Master will surely be angry at me for showing myself- and not to mention my name to people!’ He laid down and rested his head in his hands. He shivered, it was almost winter time! That is a both good and bad season for the Shadow masters. It will be bitter cold and not many live through Tasogaregakure’s long, and harsh winter. This is also to advantage of the Shadow masters because it will turn night time quickly and keep adding on the time. Hakuryu cried. He got lucky last winter but this winter he knew, he would surly die, outside, and alone. Unknown death to the people of this village until they find his body during spring and throw him into the bloodied river of sure death. Hakuryu cried harder. Why? Why did it have to become winter? My friends… they would still be alive if it wasn’t for winter. He hated winter, and he always will.
    Bow down to the...*intake of breath* COOKIES!!!!

  2. #2
    anti-semantics Pub Quiz Champion tsurara may be famous one day tsurara may be famous one day tsurara's Avatar
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    Re: Light in the night

    You need to work on your grammar quite a lot.

    Just to dissect the first few sentences:

    "It was two am at night"

    This is redundant. "2 am" is always at night.

    and every single house was sleeping.

    The houses are alive? The houses themselves are sleeping? O-o;

    Shadows were present around every corner, and scary noises could be heard in a bush near by, suddenly, a raccoon runs out of the bush towards a house in search of food.

    Mixed tense, run-on sentence. Your story shouldn't switch tense at random, and NEVER in the middle of a sentence. This sentence begins in the past tense "were" but ends in the present tense "runs".

  3. #3
    Newbie SakinaFlutePlayer is off to a good start
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    Re: Light in the night

    ...Oh sorry, I'll work on that.... When I say "the houses are sleeping" I'me using reading devise that my teacher taught me, um... I forgot the name... but it gives any nonliving object a trait of a human, I think...

    I only have alittle bit that I have added on so, yeah. Just like a few sentences, I'll edit it though when I get farther,promise!
    Chapter 2: A new…friend?!

    Hakuryu slept with difficulty and was continuously bothered by police sirens, and ambulances that were even louder. Hakuryu rolled in his sleep and his head banged into a pole that the police had set up to keep people away from the street while they investigate. They had seen Hakuryu, but since he was just a boy, and also a Shadow master, they had left him alone. “OW!”, Hakuryu shot up and rubbed his now, hurting head. “Why is there a freaking a pole here! There wasn’t one last night!”, He shouted to no one in particular
    Bow down to the...*intake of breath* COOKIES!!!!

  4. #4
    Newbie Fuji James is off to a good start Fuji James's Avatar
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    Re: Light in the night

    Ouch dude, quit bashing, I know your trying to be helpful but there are nicer ways to accompany someones work. Seriously.

    Quote Originally Posted by tsurara View Post
    You need to work on your grammar quite a lot.

    Just to dissect the first few sentences:

    "It was two am at night"

    This is redundant. "2 am" is always at night.

    and every single house was sleeping.

    The houses are alive? The houses themselves are sleeping? O-o;

    Shadows were present around every corner, and scary noises could be heard in a bush near by, suddenly, a raccoon runs out of the bush towards a house in search of food.

    Mixed tense, run-on sentence. Your story shouldn't switch tense at random, and NEVER in the middle of a sentence. This sentence begins in the past tense "were" but ends in the present tense "runs".

  5. #5
    Newbie Fuji James is off to a good start Fuji James's Avatar
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    Re: Light in the night

    You did a good job, I really liked it. My advice is seperate your dialouge from your actions, thats how I write my stories, so its a bit more seperated and not so jammed together you know? But otherwise I like it so far, keep going! If you want anymore feed back just message me.

  6. #6
    Otaku LostbutFound may be famous one day LostbutFound may be famous one day LostbutFound's Avatar
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    Re: Light in the night

    Its good just try
    different approach(are you coming up eith it spur of the moment, or is it previously written?) I really like and
    other then a few grammmer errors its great!!


    keep it up
    Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon


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