Nicely done, Eria! You've got an interesting story concept there. Your writing style is still a bit unrefined, but I'm sure you could improve a lot if you just kept writing. It's good to see that you are on the right way - for many aren't. Your descriptions of feelings are okay, so now try to describe more sights and hearings! (Don't overdo it, of course. Nothing is as good as balance.) Above all: never give up.
For how long have you been an author?