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Thread: Naruto Shippuden: Naruto VS Pein Fanfic

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    Newbie Fuji James is off to a good start Fuji James's Avatar
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    Naruto Shippuden: Naruto VS Pein Fanfic

    Hey everyone, here is a short fight I made up. This isnt ment to have a detailed story line, and so its a fanfic of just a short battle between Naruto and Pein. I hope you guys enjoy, sorry if its not up to any expectations, I put this together within 30 minuts of typing lol.

    Check out my other works please. I posted a story I originally made called World of Tomes.
    Please leave feedback


    Naurto Shippuden
    Naruto VS Pein

    Naruto arrived at the scene of the destruction of the hidden leaf village issued by Pein. The Akatsuki were being handled by the forces, but it was up to Naruto to bring down the leader, Pein. Naruto approached Pein who was in the Hokage's room. Naurto did a round house kick launching Pein through the wall, he landed outside on the roof top, he was hit off guard and unprepared. Standing up he glared at the spot he came out of, and began to do hand signs in the order : Ox, Tiger, Snake. He repeated them over and over, Naruto came jumping at him from the hole in the wall, with a Rasengan, Pein launched a giant vortex of black Chakra at Naruto, sending Naruto flying through the wall, he flew into the Hokages shelves and went through, appearing at the other end of the roof. He launched himself upward and came flying down with a flip kick on Pein, who blocked it with one hand, Naruto used the block as a way to recoil, turning his body to kick Pein with his other leg, Pein grabs it and throws Naruto down through the roof, Naruto hits the ground and spits out blood.


    Naruto: GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *He gets up and his eyes began to deduct in size*

    Pein: Hmph, we needed the Nine Tailed Fox, perhaps it will be easier this way.

    Naruto: You'll be dead before you get my demon!!! *Naruto jumped up through the hole in the ceiling appearing on the roof, Naruto at that point had generated two red rasengans, in each hand, he came running at Pein, who had his own special technique ready for Naruto, in a seond Naruto was in Peins face shoving the Rasengan into it, Pein held out his palm in front of his face, the Rasengan shattered into a billion bits, Naruto in haste pushed his other arm forward with the rasengan which managed to hit Pein on the right arm, Pein flew upward into the air from the force, Naruto created a clone ladder and was already in the sky where he slammed down Pein, then each clone grabbed him throwing him downard increasing his fall speed to go faster and faster, at the bottom was a huge pool of chakra that was blue, surrounded by 5 naruto's, he had cloned himself to make a huge rasengan for Pein to fall in, Pein managed to open his eyes as he saw it, he did a hand sign causing a gigantic stone to fall from the sky into the whirlpool of chakra, the Naruto's dispursted, Pein crashed into the ground, strugging to get up, he did a hand sign.*

    Pein: Damn boy.. I didnt think you'd force be into this state so quickly. *Suddenly Peins hands turned into a black onyx colored stone seperated into sections by red cracks, it went up to his face and his eyes. *

    Naruto: What the... a demon in you as well!?

    Pein: I am my own demon.. *Pein appeared infront of Naruto punching him in the face in a split second, Naruto went tumbling on the ground half a miles distance, the dust settled around him as his head began to drip blood, Naruto picked himself up, but Pein had kicked him in the stomach, sending naruto sky ward, Pein then leapped up , and began to do a series of attacks on Naruto, he punched him in the gut, then in the face, then he slammed his fist into Naruto's back followed by a knee to the chest, Naruto went falling back down to the ground. Landing on his front, Naruto was out cold, Pein grabbed him with one arm and lifted him up.

    Pein: "This is all you had eh? I should've known that this form was too strong for you." *A sudden force knocks Pein a good 50 feet back, causing him to drop Naruto, who landed on his feet, but hunched over and began to foam and growl from the mouth, his hands increased in size, he ran over and attacked Pein, clawing him by the stomach, cutting the hard onyx looking rock , blood ran out from his cloak. Pein began to do more hand signs, and in a second, a huge streak of lightning came down and slammed on Naruto, who was unaffected, the nine tails chakra had made a shield like defense, Naruto ran at Pein on all fours, tackling him into a stone wall, he then began to do an amazing combo, attacks that were unseen by the normal eye, Pein kept going further and further into the hard wall Naruto was attacking him into, Naruto swung his fist wildly, and at the end, he leaped back and sent all his chakra into the huge indentured wall where Pein was. Slamming Pein further into the rock's, his bones began to get crushed from the huge impact of the chakra against his body, Pein didnt have a choice, he unlocked his last form, splitting the chakra into two. Emerging from the hole he was dug into, he had two wings shaped like branches coming out of his back, they were black stone shaped, he had two dark black horns appear from his shoulders, his cloak was tattered reveals his chest a jet-black stone. He charged at Naruto, who had four tails sprouting form his chakra, Naruto slammed him down with one move, Pein gets up in a swift movement dodging the next attack, moving in for an attack, he tore a huge chunk of chakra off of Naruto's body, Naruto roared, sending more red chakra at Pein, who punched it as it came towards him. He slammed it as it flew towards him, it came at him in the speed of light, Pein grabbed it and merged it with his own chakra then sent it flying back, it slammed into Naruto, slamming him into a building. Naruto roared sending the chakra dispursting into multiple area's slamming into leaf village buildings, Naruto then came charging at Pein, they clashed, the red beast was grabbing Pein, they clashed in arms length struggling to take eachother down, Naruto roared in Pein's face knocking him off his feet, then Naruto threw him into a building, Pein flew at Naruto smashing him with a huge sword full of lightning, it was shaped like a huge toothpick with no hilt, just a big black pointy shape, glowing. Naruto grabs it crushing it, and then sends a huge Rasengan into Pein, the rasengan hit Pein full force, sending him 1 mile far, Pein died from the final impact, Naruto reverted, but passed out from the extent of energy he had to use.*

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    Newbie Fuji James is off to a good start Fuji James's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto Shippuden: Naruto VS Pein Fanfic

    What do you guys think? I dont seem to be getting any comments on this story haha, I have other fanfics if you would like me to post. And if any request for a fanfic, I will write it.

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    Newbie Kozoi is off to a good start Kozoi's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto Shippuden: Naruto VS Pein Fanfic

    I liked it but I have decided to take a short amount of time to place some constructive critism on this fanfiction.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fuji James View Post
    Naruto arrived at the scene of the destruction of the Hidden Leaf Village issued by Pein. The Akatsuki were being handled by the forces, but it was up to Naruto to bring down the leader, Pein. Naruto approached Pein who was in the Hokage's room. Naurto did a round house kick launching Pein through the wall. He landed outside on the roof top, he was hit off guard and unprepared. Standing up he glared at the spot he came out of, and began to do hand signs in the order (No Ox, Tiger, Snake. He repeated them over and over, Naruto came jumping at him from the hole in the wall (No comma) with a Rasengan, Pein launched a giant vortex of black Chakra at Naruto, sending Naruto flying through the wall. He flew into the Hokage's shelves and went through, appearing at the other end of the roof. He launched himself upward and came flying down with a flip kick on Pein, who blocked it with one hand, Naruto used the block as a way to recoil, turning his body to kick Pein with his other leg, Pein grabbed it and throwed Naruto down through the roof, Naruto hit the ground and spat out blood.


    "Grrrrrr!" roared Naruto as his pupils deducted in size.

    "Hmph, we needed the Nine Tailed Fox, perhaps it will be easier this way." chuckled Pein.

    "You'll be dead before you get my demon!" yelled Naruto.

    Naruto jumped up through the hole in the ceiling appearing on the roof, Naruto at that point had generated two red rasengans (No comma) in each hand, he came running at Pein (No comma) who had his own special technique ready for Naruto, in a second Naruto was in Peins face shoving the Rasengan into it, Pein held out his palm in front of his face, the Rasengan shattered into a billion bits, Naruto in haste pushed his other arm forward with the rasengan which managed to hit Pein on the right arm, Pein flew upward into the air from the force, Naruto created a clone ladder and was already in the sky where he slammed down Pein, then each clone grabbed him throwing him downard increasing his fall speed to go faster and faster, at the bottom was a huge pool of chakra that was blue, surrounded by 5 clones, he had cloned himself to make a huge Rasengan for Pein to fall in, Pein managed to open his eyes as he saw it, he did a hand sign causing a gigantic stone to fall from the sky into the whirlpool of chakra. The clones dispursted, Pein crashed into the ground, struggling to get up, he did a hand sign.

    "Damn boy.. I didnt think you'd force be into this state so quickly." said Pain. Suddenly Peins hands turned into a black onyx colored stone seperated into sections by red cracks, it went up to his face and his eyes.

    "What the... a demon in you as well!?" questioned Naruto.

    "I am my own demon..." replied Pein.

    Pein appeared infront of Naruto punching him in the face in a split second, Naruto went tumbling on the ground half a miles distance, the dust settled around him as his head began to drip blood, Naruto picked himself up, but Pein had kicked him in the stomach, sending naruto upwards into the air, Pein then leapped up, and began to do a series of attacks on Naruto. He punched him in the gut, then in the face, then he slammed his fist into Naruto's back followed by a knee to the chest. Naruto went falling back down to the ground. Landing on his front, Naruto was out cold, Pein grabbed him with one arm and lifted him up.

    "This is all you had eh? I should've known that this form was too strong for you." said Pein.
    It was much longer but I don't have forever to correct this because I am on a college computer and I have to go any minute now. I also might of missed out a few corrections. I will give you this list to explain your mistakes:

    * - These are not required in roleplay, you don't use one to explain somebodys action.

    ' - These are appostrophes, you use them to shorten something down such as does not to doesn't or do not to don't.

    "Chat" - Talking is simple, you put speech marks at the start and end. Remember when a new thing happens or a new person talks that you should start a new paragraph.

    , - I had this problem too with commas, you use these to lengthen a sentance but only when you're changing the subject slightly. An example could be: Mike punched Tom in the face, he had a malicious grin in his eyes as he pulled his fist foward.

    Past tense - Fanfictions are usually written in past tense, you have used present tense a few times which is usually considered incorrect.

    Paragraphs - Please revise, start a new paragraph when the subject changes.

    Capital Letters - Names of people such as Naruto have a capital letter, so does the letter 'I' and so does the name of places or even jutsu. This could include the Hidden Leaf Village or Kage Bushin No Jutsu.


    I'd reccomend downloading OpenOffice, it's free! You can use it to create fanfictions and it has a spell checker. As a whole, I like this fanfiction but it has quite a lot of mistakes which I have corrected in red text.

    Good work, I hope to see some revised work soon. Sorry if I seem cruel but that's how I act when I revise fanfictions, I am still striving to improve as a story writer myself.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Kozoi For This Useful Post:

    Fuji James (Mar 28, 2009)

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    Newbie Fuji James is off to a good start Fuji James's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto Shippuden: Naruto VS Pein Fanfic

    No problem, thanks for the reccomendation, I will look into it !!

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