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Thread: New Instinct Story Form

  1. #1
    Newbie Ucaediea is off to a good start Ucaediea's Avatar
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    New Instinct Story Form

    INSTINCT Story Form Vol. 1


    Prologue: Kaluos

    The wind was high and seemed to have a certain pitch to it as to mock
    Kalous as he trained on the mountain tops. Kalous was a old man his hair long
    and white like snow, his eyebrows flowed within his mustache making it hard to tell where they ended.

    Kaluos felt a certain burst of energy explode from his body as he had pushed his training a lot harder to withstand the fierce winds.


    Kaluos was first shocked as to what had just happened to him, at first thought he would surely think he had just been struck by lighting, but he was still alive.

    He begins to think this came from within himself , as he studied upon this power trying to bring it out more and more.

    He understood where the source of this power came from, to test this theory he hand pick three children and begin to teach them in secret.

    These three children Tirika,Hayata and Fei never knew about the actual training they were being put through.
    When they'd finally caught on to what was going on Kaluos explained himself.

    " My students you have done very well in doing only what I asked and nothing more." I will tell you what a discovery you've helped me with, when you are born into this world you are able to use your entire brain as one functional whole, but as you start to learn other things as walking, talking and other things, one side of your brain begins to shut down. When you go so long without using something it becomes useless I've just helped you use this part of your brain on different levels.

    " The three children looked at him as to know what was going on , but still a bit puzzled. "What happens when the world finds out about this power? they'd just use it for the wrong reasons? Fei had asked.

    " Struck by this thought as Kaluos failed to realize this before, he had been so focused on training them he hadn't anytime to ponder about such things.
    When he raced through his mind he could not find a way to seal this power away from the world as it is apart of everyone, as he'd found it within himself someone would eventually do the same.

    Tirikia pushed herself to her feet " Maybe we can't seal their power away ,but we can seal ourselves away from them." Hayata hurried to stand as to protest against this thought.

    "I believe we should teach others about this in a controlled enviroment" Kaluos smiled to see that his students had matured over the years.
    " I'm too old to do this ,but you three will be able to perform it."

    Over the years they prepared to make a place that would be suitable for learning, when they had finished the school it was named Arckaum, a giant school five stories high built of golden bricks. Large black dragons cut out into the rims of the gates that surrounded the school, the final touch would be a statue of Kalous in the center with a water fountain.

    "This won't do" Tirika stated looking up at the sky with a disappointed face.

    "Whats the matter it's beautiful" ,Fei added to try an cheer Tirika up, but it seemed not to work as she begin to drop her head in grief.

    Tirkia begin to explain" We have to create a new dimension in order for our plan to really leave the ground as we saw it five years ago.

    " Hayata closed his eyes and smiled as if he'd been thinking the same thing. "How are we supposed to do that sort of thing?" Fei asked Tirika.

    In the moment of their pondering Kaluos walks in describes to them how to create another dimension.

    " In order to create a new dimension you must use your powers to warp the fabric of this dimension and mold it in your own image this is called the Devil's Triangle. Kaluos taught them every step in performing a Devil's Triangle correctly the first time , for he knew if they made the smallest mistake that the entire world could be lost in a time rip forver.

    Once the training was complete the three performed the Devil's Triangle without a single mistake , but towards the end of the ritual Fei lost control of his powers and the triangle begin to open up causing a the time rip Kaluos was afraid would happen.

    "FEI!! we gotta gain control of this portal or the world will be losted" Tirika yells at Fei who is now struggling to regain his postition. "The hole in the rip is still small enough that I can close it" Kaluos says this while walking towards the portal.

    " Sinsei!" Hayata rushes to grab his teachers arm ,but his clothes rip leaving Hayata with only a piece of garment in his hands. "There must be another way!" " Thank you for being friends with this old fool" Kaluos laughs as a tear falls from his left eye and is soaked up by his long eyebrows as he throws himself into the rift closing it."Sinsei!" all three yell out at their teacher has just disappeared forever. Years go by while Fei, Tirika, and Hayata soon bring their own students and Arkaum is filled with students, bringing it to life.

    The three students never saw their teacher again, but spent countless days and years trying to find away to find him or bring him back, time eventually caught up with them and they passed their positions to three more students , begining the tradition of the "Grand Elders." Soon after that another position came along called "Elder" which was a person trying out to be an Grand Elder, but only decendants of Tirika , Fei, and Hayata are chosen to be Grand Elders.
    Last edited by Ucaediea; Dec 14, 2007 at 05:36 PM.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: New Instinct Story Form

    Ummm... it's nice to read. I love the way you create dialogues, they are great- perfect. The way you enter the dialogues in the story is a bit odd, but I guess that is because it's something new to you I just would suggest not to tell what the person who will talk will say, it's more interesting to read that way ^^

    The idea is great, but I think you rushed over this just a bit too fast, I couldn't fully enjoy it... And sometimes you could use "he" instead of "Kalous".. .the second sentence could use it, because like this it seems a bit out of place...

    Well alltogether a great work, it's very good for a first story... i'm even ashamed to show my first stories *giggles* Kepp it up and i will be waiting for more... This is just an introduction, right?

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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  4. #3
    Newbie Ucaediea is off to a good start Ucaediea's Avatar
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    Re: New Instinct Story Form

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasura View Post
    Ummm... it's nice to read. I love the way you create dialogues, they are great- perfect. The way you enter the dialogues in the story is a bit odd, but I guess that is because it's something new to you I just would suggest not to tell what the person who will talk will say, it's more interesting to read that way ^^

    The idea is great, but I think you rushed over this just a bit too fast, I couldn't fully enjoy it... And sometimes you could use "he" instead of "Kalous".. .the second sentence could use it, because like this it seems a bit out of place...

    Well alltogether a great work, it's very good for a first story... i'm even ashamed to show my first stories *giggles* Kepp it up and i will be waiting for more... This is just an introduction, right?
    Heres a better one



    Prologue: Kalous

    Kalous was an old man very much into learning martial arts, he trained like no other and studied all out threw his time. One day as he trained on the mountain tops a surge of energy shot from his entire body. Dumbfounded he sat and pondered for a moment, for he thought that surely there was no way he could have done this. When he'd ran threw his mind a dozen times over he began to research what had happen, and at the end of he researching he'd found an answer. He found out that when a person is born they are able to use both sides of the brain, but as time goes on and they learn to talk and walk amoung other things one part of the brain shuts down. The part of the brain that shuts down is part that allows people to channel their natural energy or (chi) Once this part of your brain shuts down it is very hard to connect with that side of yourself and therefore it becomes almost like an instinctive power sleeping inside of everyone and everything. Once Kalous had figured this out he begin to train three children that he himself hand picked. These three children were Hayata, Tirika,and Fei , he taught them carefully and when the time was right they each had found out about their powers on their on. Kalous now ran into another problem that he could not fix , he knew that if the world found out about this power they'd use it for war, but he could not prevent this from happening , for as he'd found out about his powers so would another person. After pondering he thought of nothing that he could do to prolong the inevitable, his three students came to him protesting a idea. The idea of creating a parallel universe was ultimately complicated and beyond something himself could, but before he could finish talking to himself the three were already at work creating a parallel universe. Astounded Kalous felt his eyes start to water, as he thought to himself " I taught those three" Once the Hayata, Tirika, and Fei had finished they explained how they would try to do as Kalous had done for them. They would go out into the world and hand pick three students of their own and train them as they'd been trained. Years went by and their were begining to be to many students so a school was built and named Arckaum, Hayata, Trikia ,and Fei became the Elder's of Arckaum and Kalous was the Grand Elder, but three years later Kalous disappeared no one knows what happen to him , people say he went back to the real world and died peacefully, many say he went back to training, but no one really knows what happened to him.

  5. #4
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    Re: New Instinct Story Form

    It was fast every thing really slow it down because you were like old man got hit with lightening thats just me talking but keep writing.

  6. #5
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    Re: New Instinct Story Form

    thx I'm going to get better at this as I go and with you all helping I'll be able to make to where you all start to get into it as I see it. thx again

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