Thread: Novel Preview (Wild Eyes)

It is certainly well written and yes I would like just a little more please.

 click to show spoiler

It all started while I was on my evening two mile jog. I am a one hundred meter sprinter on the BHS track and field team. I run two miles everyday on the same road that leads around the small town of Betran. Today was different. While running along the side of the road, on the bike path, a car had begun to break the horizon. It was swerving erratically from the left to the right.

To my horror, the woman in the drivers’ seat was slumped over with her head on the steering wheel. The car had charged into the right lane and was headed in my direction. I leaped out of the way and tumbled down a small embankment. It was filled with various items of trash and rocks. A loud sound resembling that of shattering glass and twisting metal had rung down into the ditch. As I made my way up the side of the embankment I looked over to where a plume of smoke had been emanating.

I rose to my feet and I made my way over to the wreckage. Her car was intertwined with the end of the guard rail. The door on the drivers’ side was mangled and impossible to open. I reached in and placed two fingers on her neck to check for a pulse, like I had been taught in First Aid. Her heart was surely beating but she appeared to be unconscious. I reached down and unfastened the seat belt. I tried to pull her out of the drivers’ side window. She was a larger woman so it was hard to lift her from the seat. When I realized that she was free from the mangled wreckage, I proceeded to drag her a safe distance away. I went back to the car and grabbed her purse and the cell phone that was in the cup holder. I called 911.

“911, what is your emergency?” the operator said as she answered my call.

“My name is Erin Evans and I am reporting a car accident on the south stretch of Stable Road. There is a woman, she is unconscious.” I proceeded to rifle through her purse for some form of identification.
“What is her name ma’am?” She said. The sound of keyboard keys being pressed could be herd in the background.

“I am looking for her drivers’ license ma’am, give me a second.” I put the phone on the ground as I emptied her purse onto the side of the road. I opened her wallet and pulled out a credit card. Picking the phone up, I said into the receiver, “Her name is Mabel Dronap ma’am.”

“I am sending help right away. Please stay on the phone until help arrives incase her condition worsens.” She continues typing everything out.

“Alright.” I said as I paced back and forth, constantly checking her pulse. The sound of sirens could be herd in the distance. Her body was limp and the skin on her face was pale and cut up. The blood had begun to coagulate due to the warmth of the may air. It was May 12th, 1996, just twenty-four days before summer vacation. I had just pulled a middle aged woman out of her destroyed car. What a great start to my summer vacation, huh?

“The police are on scene, how is she doing?” she asked while typing away.

“She is really pale and her face is all cut up. Her breathing is shallow.” I backed away from her as the paramedics rushed over to her. I hung up the phone and watched them examine her. The police officer, who had arrived with the paramedics, handed me a notebook and had me write down everything that happened. While they loaded the woman onto a stretcher and into the ambulance, the police officer had begun sweeping up the broken glass on the road.
“You may go home now Erin. We will call you if we need more information.” He proceeded to ask me for my phone number and my address and then walked back to his car.

Where here is what I have so far beast. I have been trying to find someone who could help me revise and also give me new ideas and add to what I have now. I suggest to Chelsea about helping me but I will have to wait until I actually get to Michigan to do so. Anyway, here it is. It is within the spoiler so click and read.

There is a few typos but it is interesting so far. I wonder what direction you will go in. So you will be coming to .Michigan huh?

now i checked it on the microsoft word spelling check. it said there was nothing wrong. so can you maybe point out what they are?

Originally Posted by starfire1036

I hung up the phone watched them examine her. The police officer, who had arrived with the paramedics, handed me a notebook and had me write down ever thing that happened.

You probably meant " I hung up the phone, and watched them examine her". The other way seems strange. The other sentence and this is the last paragraph as well is the word "ever". In the sentence "The police officer, who had arrived with the paramedics, handed me a notebook and had me write down ever thing that happened. ". I suggest changing it to "everything". A single word and a "Y" in the "every.". But the writing was excellent.

Haha honest mistakes. i read over it but since i wrote it i knew what it was supposed to say. so i mis read haha

Happens to all of us. Ray Bradbury used to put a book away for a year after he wrote a book. He said it was impossible to edit with the euphoria of creation and you always have much to be euphoric about.