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Thread: The Panthers..(open to Constructive-Criticism)

  1. #1
    Otaku Meji Imaru may be famous one day Meji Imaru may be famous one day Meji Imaru's Avatar
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    The Panthers..(open to Constructive-Criticism)

    Chapter 1



    Nothing intresting ever happens here. This town named Saegertown is always the same, whoever said that change is the only thing that stayed the same must not have came to this small town, null of all interest.

    My name is Earl Pike. I attend Saegertown Jr./Sr. Highschool in the tenth grade. Our mascot is a panther, could've done better with the costume in my opinion. I moved here from Clearwater, Florida when I was too young to remeber my friends, my mother hated my fathers drinking problem and took custody of me here.. My father is a good man, my former idle.

    Everyday is the same though, I wake up, get a shower, eat breakfast and go to school. Afterwhich, I go to work for the remainder of the day untill nine, I just started working at a supermarket at the far end of town as a stock-boy. Except on tuesdays and saturdays when I go to karate. Its boring.

    This town, sometimes I wonder if anything really exists outside of it or if it was just my imagination.. the tree's and hills that reach the skies seem endless as if when you walked outside of the decidous desert you wouldnt exist anymore.

    I often escape using my computer as a tool to meet neat and exotic people, I recently met Nikki via the internet. I like her, she is just the right person for me, though my friends think that I dont really love her, it has gotten me questioning my real feelings for her.

    My friend Jake, is just like me, though he is the more out-going one despite me not caring what others think about me. He is the taller of us two and is a little heavy, he joined karate with me before the karate place moved adjacent to my work-place. We often spar eachother in my back-yard, never really getting anywhere since we always stale-mate.

    Jayme, Jakes ex, is a good friend of mine. She's smart, moderately attractive and in nineth grade. She's very kind but also very self-concious outside of school.

    There is a small chemical factory located just outside of town, its called Lord. I often wonder why thats the name they chose, maybe because if destroyed our towns existance would be reduced to ashes from that cataclysmic explosion, death would be our existance should that happen.

    Like I said, its boring...


    Chapter 2



    "Earl, wake up!" My mom was getting me up for school, she always did. I told her to let my alarm clock do it but, I suppose I'll let her be a mother for just a bit longer. I started down the stairs, still a bit weary as I got to the last step into the dining room where my computer kept its spot.

    It was on, I must have forgotten to turn it off. I was logged onto Gaia, my user name was The Bibles Missing Pages, people seemed to like it a lot, I did too. Beside the name was an avatar with a grim-reaper behind a man wearing a red mask that covered his eyes like robins' mask and dressed in orange and black. I shut the computer off.

    I was awake now, I stripped down revealing my white skin and went into the shower. The water was at its max temperature of heat, it felt good on my neck. ...I shut the water off, my hair was dripping from the water that had previously flowed over my slender body. My dirty-blond hair is a good length, covering the top half of my eyes, I dried off.

    I put on my shirt, it was white. I then put on my off-white cargo-pants. Just like every-other day...

    As I walked out of the bathroom I grabbed a pair of glasses. I had borrowed them from Jayme the day before, they were part of a trick-or-treating costume. I put them on my face, they rested at the bridge of my nose. My hair was still wet, revealing streaks of blonde hair.

    I made some hot tea and sat down to watch the news, just like everyday. The same thing was on the news, killings, school shootings, north Korea's nuclear intentions. It is all really annoying, the sun began to rise and my mom began to leave for work.

    My uncle called out to get ready, I returned to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, I took off the glasses and brushed my hair, the hair drew past my eyes blinding me of sight. I shook my head from side-to-side as my hair flailed out of my eyes. I put the glasses back on.

    On the hook was the black hoody in which I always adorned. The word trouble was written across it but, it was torn all the way down the center. I grabbed my i pod from upstairs and began to escape from my world as I headed out the door with my backpack around my shoulder, my six year old cousin, Camera, was talking but, my music drowned her voice out as I walked across my morning yard.

    I arrived at my bus stop, a place just outside of our towns church. I mouthed the words of the song as the others came. It's a typical day, I ignored the people, the morning was my time to listen to music. The bus came for us and I got on with my other friends.

    One seat back from me and across from that was Jayme, one of my few actual friends, her brown hair was a little passed her shoulders and she had her hair parted exposing her fore-head. The morning was her music time as well.

    I was on the outside of the seat so I couldn't lean on the window like she could as she sat alone in her seat. Jake occupied the window portion of my seat.

    The bus arrived at school and we all poured out of it, nothing interesting had happened. No sign of the fore-coming events that would occur, nothing at all. I was the last one in the school, before I entered I looked up to the sky and put a toothpick in my mouth. The sky was like every other day as well, covered in the heavy clouds that never seemed to rain...
    Last edited by Dragon Ball; Dec 05, 2006 at 04:16 AM.


  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: The Panthers..(open to Constructive-Criticism)

    Double posting is against the rules.

    Do not flood the forum with random long postings that are impossible to read. Do not repetitively post the same thing. Do not post the same topic in multiple forums as all such threads will be removed. Do not double post on an individual thread. An example of what is acceptable and unacceptable when posting is demonstrated below:

    Acceptable:

    Your post
    Someone else's post
    Your post

    Not acceptable:

    Your post
    Your post
    Someone else's post
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Otaku Meji Imaru may be famous one day Meji Imaru may be famous one day Meji Imaru's Avatar
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    Re: The Panthers..(open to Constructive-Criticism)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    Double posting is against the rules.
    That system is in-efficient for my story though, I write in chapters and I will not wait for someone to post to make the next chapter apparent. Sorry but, thats just annoying for a writer.


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