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Thread: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

  1. #17
    Legendary Otaku Snake Champion, Zelda Champion, Crazy Koala Champion, Minigolf Champion, Concentrate Champion, Guess 5 Champion, Batting Champ Champion, Beach Ball Control Champion, Bookworm Champion, Wacky Word Wiz Champion, Fight Fight 3 Champion, Spinner's Luck Champion, Traffic Jam Champion, Yeti Pengu Throw Champion Legend is making a name for themselves Legend is making a name for themselves Legend is making a name for themselves Legend's Avatar
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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    I'm going to have be a bad guy and say there's some more work to be done. Love it, did a great job in spacing to keep me on my seat; so might as well add some details to form characters. Flashbacks, details, etc.

    And the use of an anti-hero nowadays is so cliche

    Overall nice! keep it up

    'Cause you give me something / That makes me scared, alright / This could be nothing / But I'm willing to give it a try / Please give me something
    'Cause someday I might call you from my heart

  2. #18
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    Daaa! It needs a lot of work and such which I don't have the abilty for... Maybe Bhrett will be able to make it a bit better...

    Hmm... ok, I'll try describe characters more, I'm trying, but that is something I really don't enjoy that much.

    Anti-hero... cliche? could you please, please explain what you ment with that English is not my native language so sometimes I don't understand things...

    Thank You very much for this comment, it helps a lot ^^ I'm glad you liked it.

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasura View Post
    Daaa! It needs a lot of work and such which I don't have the abilty for... Maybe Bhrett will be able to make it a bit better...

    Hmm... ok, I'll try describe characters more, I'm trying, but that is something I really don't enjoy that much.

    Anti-hero... cliche? could you please, please explain what you ment with that English is not my native language so sometimes I don't understand things...

    Thank You very much for this comment, it helps a lot ^^ I'm glad you liked it.
    You don't have to be very blatant in terms of character development. As a matter of fact you already did some of that. What I mean is having cleverly placed details that will add to what is happening in the story and at the same time gives insights to your characters without making it too obvious.

    Just feedback, not even a suggestion so don't listen to me .

    As for the term anti-hero, that's usually the "good guy" in the story but us as reader are not really sure whether he is really a good guy or not. He or she would do things that makes us guess whether he is truly good or just in it for some other reasons.

    Cliches is a just a term that describes something that is used a lot or said a lot. As in Hollywood film, most of the time USA is the good side and they often win. So that is a cliche. Movies often have a good and closed ending, so that would be a cliche.

    'Cause you give me something / That makes me scared, alright / This could be nothing / But I'm willing to give it a try / Please give me something
    'Cause someday I might call you from my heart

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    Lasura (Dec 19, 2007)

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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    wow nice story!!want to hear more!good job you're stories are always very nice and intresting!continue pls!
    Visit my and jessie's story on this link!!hope you like it all

    http://www.animeonline.net/f101/gate...er-life-31158/

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    Lasura (Dec 19, 2007)

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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    (Bryn isn't an anti-hero. He's just . . . Blah. You'll see later.)

    Bryn sat on the curb of the road, calmly puffing his cigarette and talking to himself.

    "Oh, well done, Bryn. Very nice job. You could have yourself exposed, you know."

    "Yes, I'm aware . . . I know it was a bad move, but she was in trouble! What was I to do?"

    "Not a repeat of Cardiff!"

    "It wasn't a repeat . . . they probably won't be able to trace it to me."

    Even so, he suddenly felt the urge to get up and walk around.

    "I know what you're thinking, and it's a BAD idea, Bryn."

    "What? She looked pretty shaken up . . . It would be the neighbourly thing to do to see if she's all right."

    "And if they find you?"

    "What, find me? I didn't say my name . . . and it just happened, so I doubt they'd be able to trace it to me."

    "Repeat of Ca-"

    "This is NOT a repeat of Cardiff!"

    He sighed, "Whatever. I'm going back there to see if she's okay. That would be totally inconspicuous, wouldn't it? Young, single guy asking damsel rescued from distress if she's all right? Who knows? I might ask her out for coffee . . ."

    And with Reason yelling in his mind, he turned on his heel and walked back to the place he had met her.

  8. #22
    Otaku Dune Bashing In Dubai Champion, Yetisports 10 - Icicle Climb Champion, Yeti Bubbles Champion overload is off to a good start overload's Avatar
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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    O.k again this is getting better and better.
    but can we have some details about this Cardiff?
    it would help understand the guy's thoughts.
    maybe like in a flashback about what happened.

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    Lasura (Dec 19, 2007)

  10. #23
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    He's not telling on purpose... To make you more interested in the story... That is what my psychological skills tell me. I think we'll find out what happened in Cardiff sooner or later... Or.. indeed he's just being lazy, but I doubt that...

    I have no idea about what happened in Cardiff and no idea what to do now... *giggles* Nice work Bhrett. ^^ I really like your character. (I didn't think he's an anti-hero too... he's just damn odd... hmmmm.... interesting na?) I've never been so interested in what is going to happen in a story I write (I ussually know) and I must say this is soooo nice!!!!!!!! Great ^^ Well next chapter comming up in some time ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  11. #24
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    Re: The Rise of a New Sun (by divine_punishment and Lasura)

    Quote Originally Posted by overload View Post
    O.k again this is getting better and better.
    but can we have some details about this Cardiff?
    it would help understand the guy's thoughts.
    maybe like in a flashback about what happened.
    All shall be revealed in time, my friend. All in time.

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