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Thread: Short Story "Torn too soon"

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Short Story "Torn too soon"

    WARNING: This might seem really sad!!!!!!

    I just got inspiration... after a very long time. So I thought I really, really should write this. And I hope you like this!!!! Please comment and tell me what are the flaws of my writting! Thank you!!!



    It was a silver cold December morning, yet, as we were sitting there in the park on the green steel bench, I couldn’t stop thinking ‘bout how I never felt so warm. And no, it was not because of the hot chocolate I held gripped in my both arms, it was because of him…

    This was our first date and now, leaning my head on his chest, I just hoped this would be my last first date.

    “Are you ok?” he asked suddenly, awakening me from my thoughts.
    “Yes, I’m fine,” I answered, smiling widely at his cute face. “Why do you ask?”
    “Aren’t you cold?” he asked. I shook my head for an answer.
    “That is odd.” he continued, smiling. “You always are cold.”
    “No, not today,” I answered and indeed, I didn’t feel cold, even though I couldn’t even move my fingers anymore, I seemed to be burning from inside.

    At last we were together. I had longed for this moment for so long and now… it felt so perfect- so wonderful. I cuddled closer to his chest and took a deep breath, absorbing every single molecule of… of him. He smelled so nice- a bit like his washing powder, I just know to say it was Lenor, a bit like himself, which I’d never be able to explain, but I’ll never forget it either, and a bit like the perfume I had given him on his birthday. I had intentionally chosen one that my father used to use. Silly I guess, but I really love that perfume, as well as I love my father… as well as I love him.

    “Shall we go?” he asked, again waking me up from my daydreams.
    “What? Where? Oh… yea ok,” I answered and stood up.

    He took me by the arm and led me through the park. We were supposed to meet my parents today. It might seem odd that it is what we do on our first date. But our relationship had been unordinary all through the time.

    I was really worried about this meeting; I didn’t know how my parents would react- what they would think of him.
    When we were about to step into the tain, I pulled him back, I thought maybe this should wait, but then I understood that my parents would be even more mad if they found out I have been dating him for a long time, hiding it- who knows they might like him and if not… I didn’t care that much.

    I stepped into the train. He had already found a place somehow, sat down and now pulled me to sit in his lap. I couldn’t help not to giggle, understanding that this time it’s not just about saving place on the train, this time it was also to show each other (and the rest of the train) how we love each other. I sat in his lap, kisses his cheek gently and rested my head on his shoulder, with my heart racing fast even though it would still take half an hour for us to get to my home.
    I heard his pulse racing fast and I smiled- I just kissed him for the first time. I raised my head and looked in his eyes. He looked back smiling warmly and then… we died.

    I remember just a flash of light and it was over. Our love was torn like a bloom just ready to blossom and we died in the arms of that spoiled child called fate, leaving nothing behind (of our love, our dreams, our memories, our hard work) but a whisper in the wind.


    P.s. Hmmm.. at the end- I sat those two in the metro and just suddenly remembered of the bombing of Lodnon underground stations in year 2005... So this is kinda insipred by that and is for the memory of that. (lol ^^ only that bombing happened in July )

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: Short Story "Torn too soon"

    Oh . . . I remember that. I liked the colloqiual narrator . . .

    I would have liked to know their names, personal descriptions, something to make us more attached to the characters.

    Did he know her from before their first date? If not, it's odd for him to say, "You're always cold." I would be like, "**karate** STALKA, STAY AWAY!"

  3. #3
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Short Story "Torn too soon"

    lol ^^ yea... he did know her before ^^ Sorry, I thought I explained it with "our relationship has been unordinary from the first day"

    And thank you for your comment, I got ya! I'll fix it up!!!!! ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
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    Re: Short Story "Torn too soon"

    waak.... @.@ boom and splat... sheesh... what a way to end a slowly burning love story.. oh yes.. with a boom...

    nicely done.. i like this very much... nicely written.. i could see the images potrayed in my head with the great descriptions... nicely done.. and it made me understand a bit about girls.. well very little.. i hope to learn more so write more will ya~!

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    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: Short Story "Torn too soon"

    o.O... whoa...very nice Lasura!! I was really getting in to it and then....BOOM!!!! they are gone....well i love the way you write as always Lasura!! This was a good story...and i remeber that day...man its been 2 years since...

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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