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Thread: The song...

  1. #1
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    He is another story i ahve been working on.....


    Jerry had ran away from the orphanage. Why did she have to leave? She was like a mother to him. Jerry finally fell down exshausted. He had traveled all day. He looked around. All he had was his pocket knife to survive. His stomache growled. He was hungrey. He stood up. He had to find some food.

    A few hours later
    Jerry had found some berries to substain his hunger. He had walked 8 more miles. It was nighttime. Soon he would have to find somewhere to sleep.
    Jerry kept walking...

    To be continued......

    Well heres more...

    Jerry looked everywhere. There was no place to sleep.
    He...was so...sleepy...

    The last thing Jerry remembered before he blacked out
    was landing on a thin layer of snow.

    "Hey, wake up!"

    Even though Jerry's eyes were closed. he could tell the sun was out.
    Also ,he was on someones lap.
    "Hey i said wake up!!" Jerry felt a sharp tap on his head.

    " Do...do you think he...is dead?" this came from a smaller voice.

    " No he's breathing." said the other voice."Wake up!!"

    Slowly, Jerry open his eyes.....

    okay well if i don't get any responds to this i'm gonna think no 1 likes this story....

    The person whose lap he is laying on is a girl. She had straight dark blonde hair.
    She looked about his age.She also had hazel eyes.

    "oh good. You're awake." Said the girl

    He also notice that a little girl was right beside him. She also had straight blonde hair but hers was a lot lighter. She had blueish-greenish eyes. Jerry looked straight at her. She blushed and looked away.

    "" Well, I'm glad you're looking okay."said the older girl. She pushs him up a little so
    he can sit up.

    She then stands up and walks in front of him. She holds out her hand. He takes it and
    she pulls him up.

    " Whats you're name?" asked the girl

    " Jerry"
    " Well Jerry. I'm Hailey." She then pointed to the little girl beside her," this is Aurora, but you can call her Aura. She my little sister."


    There will be more if u there are responds!!!
    Last edited by Chiefblackhammer; Oct 03, 2007 at 12:58 PM. Reason: Triple Post

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

  2. #2
    Newbie midnightrain is off to a good start
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    Re: The song...

    i like it its just i dont like posting alot unless i have to.
    i reaally like it tho

  3. #3
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    thanks midnightrain!!!!means a lot. but i need a few more post if i want to go on

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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    Newbie jessie may be famous one day jessie may be famous one day jessie's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    i think the story has a really nice plot, you should keep on posting, i'm curious to what happens next

  5. #5
    Newbie Otaku Master X is off to a good start Otaku Master X's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    That's a very good plot.

    As to I like writing a lot, I must say that this is well-written.

    However, I just hope Hassun doesn't get on this page and tell you to make it porn-oriented. I HATE THAT GUY (or GUYS)!!!!

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    Yay!!! Aura is like Laura only without L!!!!! ^^ cool!!!!

    Anyways.. this is good but I'd recomend notto use past perfect- had ran, had travelled and so on as well as "she holds out" suddenly is odd... stay with past simple... cuz it's like if you were telling about a little part to then move on to the real thing, though I see that it's gonna just go on from this, na? I dunno... it just feels strange ^^ lol

    Otherways... I like it, nice descriptions, nice story line (though I'm sure it'll get better, it could only get better), nice to read ^^

    I want to see more... So... there are 3 comments now... you can post next one! ^^

    P.s. Sorry for not reading it for so long (sorry to everyone else too), I just don't have internet so I can't, I read it all when I get internet.

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  7. #7
    Otaku Adriana may be famous one day Adriana may be famous one day Adriana's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    very good story till now!really like it!good work and keep it up!!
    Visit my and jessie's story on this link!!hope you like it all

    http://www.animeonline.net/f101/gate...er-life-31158/

  8. #8
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    okay!!!wel i got my responds so i will write more!!!


    "Well thanks for saving me." at that moment Jerry stomach growled.

    Hailey giggled "Hungrey are you?'

    "Yeah. A little."joked Jerry

    She giggled again. Hailey then looked at her sister. "Aura, do you have anything
    in your pockets?"

    Aura nodded. She dug in her pocket and pulled out a cookie.Aura went over
    to Jerry and gave him the cookie.

    "Thanks." Jerry smiled at Aura.
    Aura just blushed and said nothing. Hailey flicked her.

    "Don't be rude!" So Jerry where do you live?"asked Hailey.

    Jerry said nothing.

    "Whats wrong?"

    " I don't have a home."said Jerry

    " Really!!" exclaimed Aura.
    " Aura!!"said Hailey.
    " Oh...I'm sorry." said Aura" I didn't mean..."she looks down.

    "Its alright. I lived in an orphanage,but I ran away...."and from there Jerry told them everything.
    How hard he worked at the orphanage. When the writer lady came. How nice she was to him,like
    a mother. The way he lied to her and said he had a mother so she wouldn't pity him.

    He told them every little thing that had happen. He didn't know why. He felt he could
    trust them


    I will write more but i have to wait cause i got a warning for double-posting so i need responds then i will write. Thanks everyone.You will like it!!!

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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