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Thread: The song...

  1. #25
    Otaku ING Cricket Champion, Chickenboy Chucky Champion, Dancer duck Champion, Jake,s Fire Power Champion, Bomber Bob Champion, Road Hogs Champion, Van Champion, Hacker Champion, Gorillaz Tiles Champion, Clicken Gold Champion, Galleon Champion, QBeez Champion ihauntforlust is off to a good start
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    Cool Re: The song...

    Wow,


    (Positive = Yay!)

    This may be the first fan-fiction I've read, It's really good, I liked how you described the appearance of the girls, gave me the image of what they might looked like, and it was easy to read and understand. The plot is really well set up too! =]

    ___________________________________________

    (Negative = You got to face it!)

    Okay, It began with a few spelling mistakes, *can't think of anything else*

    The most common one is... Hungry, you wrote it hungery

    -sorry about that but it kept bugging me

    ___________________________________________

    Please write more It's awesome so far ^________^

    -Zainab

  2. #26
    Newbie shouichishindo is off to a good start shouichishindo's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    i cant wait for the next part to come out renn, ill bet it will b awesome

  3. #27
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    i'm having a great time with this story!!!!!!^^ well since its getting to the
    fighting part i should continue......


    Jerry heads for the solider corner.

    He went to his locker and opens it. He has a few knick-knacks,a picture
    of him and Aura,and a sword that he had to keep here. Finally in a corner
    no one could see, he had a picture of Hailey.

    Jerry takes out the picture.

    "I will keep my promise to you."says Jerry,looking at the picture,"No matter
    what!"

    Jerry tkaes out the picture of him and Aura.He puts both of the pictures in his pocket
    and takes out his sword.
    Jerry leaves.


    "Hey,Jerry." Nole goes over to Jerry and gives him a hug.

    "Whoa, whats this all about, Nole?"asks Jerry

    Nole beams. "I'm going to be a father!"

    "Thats great!"says Jerry "So when....."
    "I don't know. Meg just told me this morning."Nole's eyes start to
    sparkle.

    Jerry laughs."Hoping for it to be a boy."

    "Oh.Well. Yeah." He adds sheepishly.

    "Well anyway, has there been any activity at the front gates?
    "No i just che-"before Nole can finish,they hear a sherik.(spellcheck)

    "Its coming from the front gates!"yells Jerry"Come on!"

    Jerry and Nole run to the gates.

    There near the gates is a small boy on the ground,terrified. A few
    feet from the boy is a ravenous wolf. Although it was big,Jerry could see its
    ribs.

    The wolf jumps for the boy.

    "NO!"screams Nole

    "No time, just react."says Jerry to himself

    Jerry takes out his sword and runs toward the boy. He might make it in time.

    Each second he got closer to the boy,but so did the wolf.

    *Slash* Jerry got the wolf right in the leg, blood gushing out.

    "RUN!"Jerry yells to the boy.

    The boy gets up and runs away.

    "Its time to end this!"

    Jerry takes his sword out of the wolf's leg and slashs his belly.
    The wolf drops down,dead.

    *Huff huff* Jerry wipes his sword and puts it away.

    Oh yeah and please leave comments i really want to write more!!!!!

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

  4. #28
    Otaku Adriana may be famous one day Adriana may be famous one day Adriana's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    a very very good job!!continue pls!it's really nice!nice job again!
    Visit my and jessie's story on this link!!hope you like it all

    http://www.animeonline.net/f101/gate...er-life-31158/

  5. #29
    Newbie w1nd1n6s is off to a good start w1nd1n6s's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    wow nice job, keep up the good work, you can continue it if you want

  6. #30
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    Thanks everyone for they're comment,good or bad(well there were no bad ones)!!!!!^^ anyway
    i'm going to continue......

    Nole comes up to Jerry"Great job, Jerry!"

    Jerry just nods "Thanks."

    "Verry nice job indeed."

    Jerry and Nole turn around.

    "Its...been a long time,hasn't Jerry?"

    Jerry looks and looks. Where was it coming from? Why did it sound
    so familure?(Spellcheck)

    Suddenly out of nowhere comes out this man. He ahs a big build,chopped spikey
    brown hair. His eyes were like coal: black, dark, and hard.

    "Well look at you,Jerry."said the man"All grow up."

    "No.....It can't....be...."Jerry clench his hands into fist."KREG!"

    "Ah all the memories. The people running in panic,blood everywhere,and.."
    Kreg looks at Jerry."people dieing."

    Nole looks at Jerry "Jerry, whats he talking about?"

    Before Jerry can say anything....

    "It matters not. For,this city will experience the same fate!"

    Behind Jerry and Nole,there are several explosions.

    "Wha-"

    "Now, Jerry. Tell me where the Destin' One is!"commands Kreg.

    Jerry is silent.

    "Jerry,who is he talking about?"asks Nole.

    "Do you really want me to start naming names?"

    Jerry growls

    "Tell me where the Destin' One is! Aurora!"

    Nole grasps

    "I won't let you take her away!"growls Jerry

    "Who's going to stop me?"sneers Kreg. There are another set of explosions.

    Kreg unsheaths one of his many swords, and heads for Jerry.....

    Yeah well i'll leave you peoples with that.^^ hope you like!!!

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

  7. #31
    Otaku Adriana may be famous one day Adriana may be famous one day Adriana's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    aaaaa sooooooo curious!!i really would like to see this as an anime!it will be really good!good job for the thousand th time hehe!!byebye and don't let us wait!
    Visit my and jessie's story on this link!!hope you like it all

    http://www.animeonline.net/f101/gate...er-life-31158/

  8. #32
    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: The song...

    Oh thanks Adriana!!!!^^ that means so much to me!!!!Well there was a resonse so
    here is more......

    *Clang*! Nole had taken out his own sword and stood in front of Jerry,stopping
    the attack.

    "Go,Jerry!"yells Nole
    "But..."say Jerry

    "I said go! You have to get to Aura before this creep does."syas Nole

    Jerry nods his head."Thanks.."and runs toward his house.

    "Don't get in my way!!"yells Kreg

    "How dare you barge into our city."Nole yells back,"I'll
    show you the strength of a Allience solider!!!"




    "Almost there, almost there." pants Jerry.

    Jerry burst through the door of his house.

    "Aura!"

    "Jerry!" Aura screams back.

    "Come on! We have to leave. Get some clothes and food and..."

    "I already have."

    "wh-what??" Jerry looks confused.

    "When the first explosoins went off i started to pack."

    "Okay.Hand me one of the bags."

    Aura hands Jerry a gigantic bag.Jerry is shocked.

    "I pack fast. Come on!"

    They leave the house and start to run.

    "Where do we go they're everywhere?"says Aura

    "Huh,what are you talking about."Jerry turns around and sees Aura crying.

    "Jerry.Its j-just like..."she stutters

    "Aura,don't think about it.Its not like last time."

    "But.."

    "We don't have time for this.We have to leave or Hailey"s sacrifice
    would have been for nothing."

    Aura thinks for a moment"Hailey....."

    Jerry grabs Aura's hand and he pulls her along.

    "If this is really like last time."Thinks Jerry"Then there should be one
    way out."

    FLASHBACK

    "Oh,and Jerry tell Nole to put up the boat tonight."say Colonal Higgs



    "That it!"says Jerry

    "What?"asks Aura

    "The ship.Its in the harbor. We can escape that way." They run to the
    harbor. There are several explosions as they run....

    Sorry but i have to end it there....but i love to write this story!!!!^^
    Hope you guys and girls like it!!!!!!^^

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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