Vampire high

wolfgurl724 · Mar 09, 2008, 10:13 AM

I don't know how good i am going to be at this so i will just post something short at first

A young girl with jet black hair and lime green eyes sat underneath the old willow tree. A sketchbook was placed open in her lap. A slight breeze blew and her jet black hair blew with it. Rika closed her eyes and rested her head against the old willow tree which sat on the grounds of Vampire High. No one ever really talked to Rika. Rika thought maybe it was the way she dressed or that they knew she was a vampire. Rika started to doze off and her sketchbook remained open in her lap.

well tell me what you think and i just might post more ^_^
happy reading,
Misty

zyta · Mar 24, 2008, 01:55 PM

Short, really plain and doesn't catch my interest. The writing style is choppy to be honest, the sentences are not expanded upon at all. Asuming from the name "Vampire High" i'd have thought everyone in the school was a vampire, but:

Quote:

Rika thought maybe it was the way she dressed or that they knew she was a vampire.

tells me otherswise. IS this a school for vampires, if not, why is she there?

May_Bloodrose_Pagan · Mar 24, 2008, 02:08 PM

It's short, very short. doesn't have much detail. I assumed that it was a highschool for vamires, like Vampire Academy(good book), but to have only one vampire in a "Vampire High" doesn't really make sense. try writing more to it and if it's going to be 1 vampire in a school of mortals then you should adjust the title to fit that, that will also catch peoples attention.

Anime Finatic 95 · May 15, 2008, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfgurl724

I don't know how good i am going to be at this so i will just post something short at first

A young girl with jet black hair and lime green eyes sat underneath the old willow tree. A sketchbook was placed open in her lap. A slight breeze blew and her jet black hair blew with it. Rika closed her eyes and rested her head against the old willow tree which sat on the grounds of Vampire High. No one ever really talked to Rika. Rika thought maybe it was the way she dressed or that they knew she was a vampire. Rika started to doze off and her sketchbook remained open in her lap.

well tell me what you think and i just might post more ^_^
happy reading,
Misty

needs more detail like her face was she chubby,did she have high cheekbones and more setting detail

wolfgurl724 · May 18, 2008, 01:08 PM

yes i know i just wanted to see how people would respond fisrt then i would rewrite it and make it better ^-^ yes its a vampire school

Anime Finatic 95 · May 20, 2008, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfgurl724

yes i know i just wanted to see how people would respond fisrt then i would rewrite it and make it better ^-^ yes its a vampire school

its cool i was just giving you some pointers it can be very good

Mar 09, 2008, 10:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
wolfgurl724 Newbie Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 176	Vampire high I don't know how good i am going to be at this so i will just post something short at first A young girl with jet black hair and lime green eyes sat underneath the old willow tree. A sketchbook was placed open in her lap. A slight breeze blew and her jet black hair blew with it. Rika closed her eyes and rested her head against the old willow tree which sat on the grounds of Vampire High. No one ever really talked to Rika. Rika thought maybe it was the way she dressed or that they knew she was a vampire. Rika started to doze off and her sketchbook remained open in her lap. well tell me what you think and i just might post more ^_^ happy reading, Misty
Status: Offline

Mar 24, 2008, 02:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
May_Bloodrose_Pagan Newbie Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Dearborn Heights, Michagan Posts: 66 Thanks: 3 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Credits: 1,676	Re: Vampire high It's short, very short. doesn't have much detail. I assumed that it was a highschool for vamires, like Vampire Academy(good book), but to have only one vampire in a "Vampire High" doesn't really make sense. try writing more to it and if it's going to be 1 vampire in a school of mortals then you should adjust the title to fit that, that will also catch peoples attention. __________________ Very Deeply Misunderstood
Status: Offline

May 18, 2008, 01:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
wolfgurl724 Newbie Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 176	Re: Vampire high yes i know i just wanted to see how people would respond fisrt then i would rewrite it and make it better ^-^ yes its a vampire school
Status: Offline

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