Ichigo_06

Hey that was a good story Lasura I liked it alot. you should continue it.

Lasura

Ok, I've eddited the firs part and finished the second part, thank you all for helping me understand my mistakes, I hope you like this, I decided not to put the edditions in the beggining thread so you could tell if it's better or worse. If you don't want to mess arond with that (I'd be thankful if you did but can't make you, it came out a little bit bigger) then the second part beggins after the star thingy.
Here it goes:
It was a cold, windy night, the night of October 13, 2006. I was walking in the woods the way I always did when feeling sad and broken, the way I have never done it after that time. Again my heart was broken, again I felt lost and lonely, even the moon had hid his face from me tonight.
“Is your world burning tonight?” a mans voice suddenly asked me from behind.
“Like it would be your business!” I answered and continued walking. The next moment the man was right in front of me.
“Don’t run away,” he said to me as nicely as he could, touching my face with his cold fingertips.
“Why should I stay?” I replied, turning my face away.
“I can rescue you from this world that hurts you so much; I can take you to a place where no one will ever harm you, where the time stops and real gentlemen still live.”
“I don’t think that is possible.”
“Oh, but it is, I'll show you,” he said, grabbing me, I had time only to throw an angry look at him, because in the next moment we were flying… We were actually flying… I screamed, when feeling my feet losing its support and seeing that everything was left underneath me, I embraced him and closed my eyes, afraid of him letting me go.
I thought about running when my feet touched the ground again but I understood there would be no use… I could never escape this man.
“Who are you?” I asked, slowly stepping back.
“Is that of great importance,” he answered.
“Take me back,” I said, feeling my voice tremble.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” he answered, approaching me slowly and grabbing me by my hands. "I'm asking just for a dance."
"A dance?! You have to be joking!!!" I answered, trying to get out of his hands."
"No, in fact, I am not. I don't need more than a dance."
"I'm not THAT naive. Plus, what is a dance when there's no music?!" I asked, taking a look around. I was in a large hall; everything was clad with dust and ashes; the great chandelier on the sealing spread nothing but darkness, the piano didn’t make people dance, the paintings on the walls had lost all their beauty, no beautiful women were reflected in the great mirrors… This place was dead…
"Sometimes a dance can create music," he said and I gave up, knowing not any other way; we started to dance.
I closed my eyes and, when I opened them again, I saw the dust slowly rise up, invisible hands started to play the piano and a wonderful view opened up- candles lit in the chandelier, everything seemed to be clad with gold, beautiful angels looked at us from the sealing, I looked in the crystal mirror and saw myself in a beautiful white dress, many other couples danced next to us, smiling and looking at us like thinking: “What a beautiful couple.” Lasura It felt like if I had seen this somewhere already and wonderful feelings took over me, I took a look at the man I was dancing with, and now, when this warm, golden light surrounded him and I saw his black, long hair, his sad smile and his lovely gray eyes, a strange feeling of love and warmth took over my heart. I put my head on his shoulder and let myself forget that he was just a stranger.
The next moment he stopped. I opened my eyes again, I was back in the dark, cold hall, and from the look in his eyes I understood indeed who I was with, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore… His eyes asked me just but one thing: “Will you join me in death?”
***
“Yes, take me with you…” I said quietly…
“I said I need only but one dance,” he whispered in my ear, smiling gently. And, as he did that, his breath touched my skin. Shivers ran down my spine and a sight broke out of my chest. Yes indeed, I gave away myself, I gave away my life for just one dance, but I didn’t care much about that at that moment… I was in heaven… And I was ready to live the rest of my life in hell for this.
Then he kissed me… His lips were so cold and so tender… I closed my eyes and felt my feet giving up on me, but he held me tightly… I was right there in his arms, so in love and ready to die for this man, so afraid to let go… Just one dance…
Suddenly stinging pain pierced my stomach, I opened my eyes, at first I saw only his eyes that looked at me with the same surprise and fear that lived in my heart. Slowly I looked down. A sword had pierced us both and nailed us together… Now the pain got through the defence of my brain and took complete power over me. It was hard to breathe for each breath made my pain even greater; the taste of blood, the taste of death filled my mouth.
An angry groan broke out of his mouth as he broke the sword to pieces with his bare hands, he slowly lowered me on the ground and through all the pain I could hear him saying: “Hold in there… Hold in for a minute… I won’t let you die…”
Not long after he did that, the pain slowly faded or maybe I just got used to it… Death was coming close; I could feel its cold breath and see it in the shadows around me. I gathered my last strength to understand what was happening. There were two men in the hall now, the other one was dressed in black too, he was standing in the shadows and I could see only his pale face, his sharp cheek bones and his shining eyes.
“Graham…” my vampire said, his voice was low and still, his eyes- calm and watching, he seemed to get ready for everything to come.
“How long have I been waiting for this moment…” the other man, Graham, said. “Never thought a girl like her could be able to take your attention away like that…”
He kept on talking but I couldn’t hear anymore, I saw Graham reaching for the gun, he had at his side, then my sight blurred… All my life ran through my mind… the saddest thing was that it was too short… I thought about my little sister… I was leaving her too… I hoped she’d forgive me, unlike she did about our parents… It became even harder to breathe… I could hear three gun shots; they broke through my half-unconsciousness like three terrible thunder bells.
“Maybe he’ll make it…” was my last thought then everything became still and black.
But I opened my eyes again... I lied like that for a moment, wondering about why I'm still alive, why I can't feel the pain anymore and looking at the two men still fighting. They both looked tired… I thought I should help, but as soon as I tried to move, a painful scream broke out of my mouth- terrible pain took over, it made me toss and turn till at last it slowly eased, I opened my eyes and, when they got used to the darkness… I saw the sword that Graham used for his assault, lying on the ground not far from me… I remembered about them fighting there and slowly got on my knees… Pain appeared again as I started to move but I clenched my teeth and crawled for the sword… I picked myself up slowly when I got to the sword and took a look in the direction where the fight was going on… I saw Graham’s back. I took a deep breath and ran towards him as quietly and fastly I could. Of course he heard me running but it was too late for him… I stabbed him before he could do anything, I felt his warm blood on my hands, his eyes filled with terror, his sword slipped out of his hand, he fell to his knees and cursed me only with his look… I watched him die, and then raised my head to find where the vampire was, but I couldn’t see him… I though about calling his name, but then I understood that I don’t even know his name…
A strange breeze raised the dust from the ground and touched my face softly…
I was completely alone in this cold, cruel world…

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My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

Armored

I read enough of your story to tell you it's really interesting to me,so please send the whole story to me if you want.

Lady Asphyxia

0.0....it was deliciously sexy and dark! I love vampire stories and yours is one of my favorite now. Lovely discritpion and you had a grasp of dark romance. I love the way he took her away without hestitation and suddenly asked for a dance (So random but lovely). That Graham...he is such a you know what. Look you have me choosing my least favorite character (lol). The only thing I felt was that the story towards the end was a little rushed (Not in written way..but in how everything went from one point to another). But the end was just sad and lonely. Wonderful job...I do hope you write more stories like this one.

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Lasura

Thank You Lady Asphyxia!!! I'm really happy to hear you liked it so much... And I'm glad I was able to create feelings to the characters in you.
I'll take your suggestions in mind when I writte the next one!
Thank You again! And have a nice day!

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My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

Lady Asphyxia

No problems, you deserve every ounce of praise with your creation. You have a lot of talent with grasping the scenery and feelings. No pressure though, but (holds knife)...when is the next one coming (lol j/k). But really, I can't wait til' the next.

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Lasura

I have a lot of ideas... But I think the continuation of the Vampire story might come in the next week (if I have inspiration and am able to put myself to work ) And thank you again!!

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My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

LordCastigator

I was wondering if you'd post the next part on her or on another thread. In fact, that's what I was looking in here to do.

I like how you've rewritten the first part. It works just as well, yet in different ways. And as for that hunter, obviously someone's been emotionally scarred & out for vengance, no matter what. Intentionally wounding an innocent... I guess he paid for it though.

Great work with the story. I rather enjoyed it. It looks like you did manage to put that action in without spoiling it. Nicely done.

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Lasura

Thank you very much Daniel!!!! I'm really happy you liked it!!!
I'm thinking about another part...
What about the things you didn't like?

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My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

LordCastigator

Your not one of those people who beat themselve up looking for mistakes, are you? I don't know about you, but I must say I like what you've done here. I think I'll leave the nitpicking, if any, to others. Keep up the good work.

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Lasura

Thank you agin Daniel!
The thing is that I ussualy do beat myselve up looking for mistakes and in the end I figure out that it's all bad and just stop writting thinkin than I have to learn to writte to finnish this work...
And the worst thing is that it's hard for me to rate the plot...

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My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge