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Thread: a witch story

  1. #1
    Wilde Beast GiG Racer Champion EmoNightmareRose may be famous one day EmoNightmareRose's Avatar
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    a witch story

    By: Haku Vinevaldi Taylor(EmoNightmareRose)
    i went to a normal school once. everybody seemed to pick on this one girl, her name was Aries. Of course this alone could bring attention to her. i never contributed to this, but i never stopped it. it was weird everytime the kids would haze her she would stroke a long necklace of black beads. they seemed to get longer every year. She had short jet black hair, and she always wore all black, with a lot of eyeliner, sometimes she would have snowcolored lips, and other times they would be black. i never saw the real color of her eyes. her skin was snow, and she never blushed, she only looked down. then at freshman year, i was being roughed up by some kids, and she was sitting by herself. i had some weird urge to talk to her. however, there had been rumours of her. there was supposed to be a guy she liked, and had asked out. he had blatantly rejected her, and now everyone was saying she hexed him. first, he got his long blonde hair cut really stupidly, then he was sick, then he broke his ankle. i walked by her and stopped. she looked up suddenly. her eyeliner was smeared, her lips white, her cheeks scarlet, and tears lightly streamed down her cheeks.but most of all, she had huge gray, almond shaped eyes. she quickly looked down. i sat down, and i suddenly saw that a pendant was on her bead necklace. i wanted to see it, but not seem like a perv. i glanced and saw it was pentagram. she looked at me, and gasped quietly, abruptly tugging it under her shirt. i reached into my pocket and timidly offered a hankerchief. she nervously took and wiped her tears. "ummm..hi", she said with a smile...(part 2 coming soon)

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    Randomly Renny!!! XD Boiler Breakdown Champion, Lotads Lament Champion, Crystal Island Champion, Festive Fallout Champion Renn may be famous one day Renn's Avatar
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    Re: a witch story

    Very nice story. I like how you began it. I hope to see more!!! ^^

    'This world is trash. Cursed by the Fon Master...'

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    Newbie Zatoichi is off to a good start Zatoichi's Avatar
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    Re: a witch story

    I can't wait for part two you have talent just keep on keepen on the name Aries reminds me of Aeris from FFVII

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    Re: a witch story

    Not bad. Maybe you could work on making your description flow better into the storyline.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: a witch story

    Hmmm... quite cool... I don't ussually like when there are so many desrciptions, however you've handled it well (much better than I ever did). Also it seemed a bit too odd that you described her so black and gave these little winks that she's a witch, I think it would sound better if you'd desribe it so that it's hard to really understand whether she is a which or not- create a bit of mysety.
    If she is not a witch though, I think you've done a really great job by desribing her like this and creating these roumors, because you're creating good irony and everybody loves smart ironic things...

    Yah, but I really think that you have a nice idea and I'll be continuing to read this story and I feel that I'll enjoy this ^^

    P.s. Sorry if my coment seems kinda harsh >.< I just want to be helpfull and give good critique- I'm always missing it with my works and that's why all of them suck so much >.< Don't mind the bad stuff if it buggs you, the story is quite ok ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Legendary Otaku Snake Champion, Zelda Champion, Crazy Koala Champion, Minigolf Champion, Concentrate Champion, Guess 5 Champion, Batting Champ Champion, Beach Ball Control Champion, Bookworm Champion, Wacky Word Wiz Champion, Fight Fight 3 Champion, Spinner's Luck Champion, Traffic Jam Champion, Yeti Pengu Throw Champion Legend is making a name for themselves Legend is making a name for themselves Legend is making a name for themselves Legend's Avatar
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    Re: a witch story

    I normally don't read fanfics, but I'm glad I stumble onto this one. A short read which is nice for (not a very good reader ^_^) hopefully I'm still interested after I read all five. Keep it up!

    'Cause you give me something / That makes me scared, alright / This could be nothing / But I'm willing to give it a try / Please give me something
    'Cause someday I might call you from my heart

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    Wilde Beast GiG Racer Champion EmoNightmareRose may be famous one day EmoNightmareRose's Avatar
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    Re: a witch story

    Thank you,all of u guys. it's a big self esteem improver. i also thank criticism as well, just as long as youre not that mean. lol

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