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Thread: Her struggle

  1. #1
    Otaku Stickicide 2 Champion starfire1036 is making a name for themselves starfire1036 is making a name for themselves starfire1036's Avatar
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    Her struggle

    For heaven sent.
    In heaven no more.
    Just crushed.
    Damned into the floor.

    Bent, beaten, and broken.
    She lays limp and still.
    Happiness he has taken.
    Her memory he will kill.

    Precious
    but not.
    He'll have left her,
    left her to rot.

    Her heart beats its final beat,
    his hand crushing her throat.
    her soul out of her reach,
    she'll soon approach.

    To him, one so mighty
    she floats away.
    Kiss upon her cheek,
    ever so slightly.

    He hurts you no more,
    unto me you'll stay.
    Out of your heart pain will pour,
    for he can't hurt you anymore.

    To heaven you will go,
    and there you will stay.
    To hell will go your father
    for taking your life away.

  2. #2
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Her struggle

    good poem.
    I'm a fan of Assonance Consonance and alliteration.
    Bent, beaten, and broken.
    She lays limp and still
    So I particularly enjoyed these two lines.
    You also have a few profound statements in here and a wonderful contrast between the start and the finish.
    Start.
    For heaven sent.
    In heaven no more.
    Just crushed.
    Damned into the floor.
    This idea of her father creating hell on earth for her. (the torture and pain)
    contrasted with...
    To heaven you will go,
    and there you will stay.
    To hell will go your father
    for taking your life away.
    Contrasted with this idea of heaven actually existing outside our real world perspective (the one you adopted at the first) and that the father is really going to be the one to suffer for his actions.

    I can only hope that this wasn't actually inspired by a real event for you, because if it was, I'll have exceeded even my own ignorance in posting a some-what objective appreciation for your work.
    Which I like a lot.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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