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Thread: School life (this is my august entry not the other one I'm so sorry)

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    Newbie sarcosuchus is off to a good start sarcosuchus's Avatar
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    School life (this is my august entry not the other one I'm so sorry)

    The days had pass like it was just yesterday
    The time we need to seperate our ways
    But still we will be freinds forever
    And we will live together

    I still remember the day we met
    All of us in a room that we can't forget
    We were shy and afraid to talk
    And we glitter when we walk

    And trial came to our daily lives
    And in a big pool of chaos we dive
    Just to repair our broken friendship and then
    We did it and preserve until the end

    But now we must fullfill our dreams
    Across the wasteland and dark realm
    But together we will go
    To places that we didn't know

    I know we really love our peers
    For share every joy and fears
    That even we succed or we fall
    We still had it all

    My this poem be a remambrance
    And a ticket to the entrance
    About our fruitful past
    That a magic called "friendship love" we cast

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    Legendary Otaku Happy Pill Champion, Monkey Mayhem Champion NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90 may be famous one day NeoDeath90's Avatar
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    Re: School life (this is my august entry not the other one I'm so sorry)

    i must say it speaks to me. The idea of two friends looking back at their lives in school, the good and the bad i thought was nice. Not too many people put a negative twist on rememberance. i also liked the transition from then to now.
    Last edited by gren; Sep 05, 2008 at 05:50 PM.
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    Re: School life (this is my august entry not the other one I'm so sorry)

    Very nice reflective piece! It sums up so well the anxiety that comes with moving on to another stage in life.

    "And we glitter when we walk"
    I don't quite understand this but I love the image.

    anywho I'm done talking about your poem now because I have to go to work. It was an enjoyable read though.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: School life (this is my august entry not the other one I'm so sorry)

    A pretty nice poem, though i felt that u are trying too hard to make it all rhyme, rhyming is a nice thing, but having a complete and easy-to-understand thought allthrough the poem is a more important thing. For example here: "We were shy and afraid to talk
    And we glitter when we walk" It hurts my head when i try to understand what you ment when you say "and we glitter when we walk", plus you jump from the past tense to present tense so suddenly. The only reason i can see why you wrote this was to rhyme, and it really bothers me XD
    Take this just as a suggestion that you shouldn't try so hard to make it rhyme.

    Otherways the poem is rather nice, made me feel warm and fuzzy. And there is a nice story behind it. The rhythm is also pretty nice. And of course the rhyming is continous through the poem, but o still think plot and rhythm is more important.

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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