Parents Projecting onto their children.
I don't know how many people have ever found themselves in this situation but I am getting annoyed by it. I really do think that when a parent has a child above the age of 12, they should just let them find their own identity and ways to live their own life. I've not had the best relationship with my parents which is probably why I hate it when they try to control my life too much.
Also I am 22 almost 23 years old, yet they insist on telling me what not to do and then get annoyed when I do the opposite. Like my new hair cut for example, I've had a lot of people say it really suites me compared to my parents who say it looks horrible. Ok they might be loosing their little who really they lost when i turned 16. I am not a child any more and I can do what I want. Its just so frustrating when my parents tell me what to do.
Another thing is that Mother doesn't think I am ready to get married because my bf is in NY. She won't ever understand what I feel because she wants me to be this little child and stay that way. The obedient child who does what they are told. If I was to follow in my mothers footsteps, then I would have gotten married when I was 20 and that isn't me at all.
MY parents just don't seem to let me find my own personality and life style because in their eye's I am still young. It just gets really hard to find the support I want to live my life really.
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
Thats just parents being parents. They spent over 20 years raising you, and to just stop being parents is nigh impossible.
Especially if you still live under their roof.
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
my parents are the same, they're also on my sister's case about the whole couples thing and her moving a little fast., In a way i agree with them, but they said it themselves ,'she may be 20 but i still see her as 12".(just happened today..coincidence?)
that fact won't change regardless of how much you grow. What i think that, it's best to always meet them half way on things. just say,;" ok, i'll do this, but i want you to do this''.both parties benefit from it. one way, you get what you want and they get a sense of what they want.
lol; "I'll change my hairdo, but i still get to marry him :D", one for one
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
well, i think everyone kinda ends up that way when they have kids, even if they're completely different from they're parents...
(^_^ ) i mean, no matter how old we get, there's always something our parents can teach us, whether it's things we should or should not do...
can't really tell you what to do, since i have no idea or authority of what's happened but...
(^_^ ) i'm still kinda in that boat with Soshi... they don't really like him (i honestly... well, i can understand... but hey, he's a great guy! )... but i guess it all changed when they stopped trying to pick a fight, and just kinda "let it go"... now they joke about him (which i still kinda take to offense) but it's better than fighting...
guess what i'm trying to say is... asking/wanting someone to stop caring about your dicisions in life, is like asking them to stop loving you. in their eyes, they're protecting their child from the big, bad world... now that may not be right, and is possibly doing the exact opposite... but, i guess we won't really know how they feel until we have kids... kids that grow up into stupid teenagers who want to stay out until 11pm with shady friends in a seady part of town...
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
I just don't see why something to trivial and little is a big thing to my mum. ok she has Alapesha and she is hoping I don't have. But otherwise, just because I don't have long hair any more, doesn't mean I am going to start to change my personality.
I can understand about the whole getting married thing is going be a big shocker when they meet solking and find out we plan to marry. I know that is going to cause a bit of trouble but thats something that is bound to happen I suppose. Its just weird to have them complain about my hair length so much when its something so small.
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Sazzy 
I don't know how many people have ever found themselves in this situation
Considering the population of the world... probably more than can fit in Noah's Ark.
Quote:
but I am getting annoyed by it.
You'd find it even more annoying if you replaced "parents" with "howling cats".
Quote:
I really do think that when a parent has a child above the age of 12, they should just let them find their own identity and ways to live their own life.
While I would agree that kicking out a kid to get a job and start earning some cash for his room or I'll start earning some cash kicking his...
...wait...
No. No. I wouldn't agree with that. There are umm... billions? Yeah, billions of teenagers who are WAY too immature to lead their own lives. And without a parent killing them for every move they made, there'd be ZERO adults/grandadults in malls.
...have you ever been in a mall just full of 13-19 year olds? No other age?
...the ones working don't give a crap of the things they're selling... most of them would rather spread rumors about the person lost rather than help them... and most of them hog up the entire walking space!
Darn kids! If you seriously have 20 friends, form up to one side rather than taking up the entire walkway and walking REAAAALLLLYYYYY SLOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
Some of us actually want to spend money.
...no but seriously, most kids have awful attitudes. And the idea of "well let them learn their consequences" has been a tried-and-failed theory for centuries.
Parenting isn't just about nagging the child, it's also teaching them what's right or wrong. Just because a parent yells at you for going out, doesn't mean they're just being "aDuLtS", it means you could actually get hurt - get in trouble - probably already are hanging around the wrong crowd - probably just finished doing something considered illegal (and whether or not you're a hippy to the idea of law enforcement, you HAVE TO ADMIT that doing these illegal things DO HARM someone in someway during the process)...
Try being a parent of some punk who never stops breaking the law for him and his friends' entertainment. ... if you're really fine with that, then you're an anarchist. And if you're an anarchist, I have no idea why you're still living with your parents.
And don't use the whole "I'm not that kind of kid" tool... as I've learned in my years, YOUR PARENTS DON'T KNOW AND NEVER WILL KNOW.
They were kids once too, even the kids who seemed like the perfect angels at home, were the dirtiest whores in the streets. It's easy to lie. REALLY EASY to lie.
And you can't expect your parents to trust you without giving them a reason to trust (and staying in the same house doesn't count).
Quote:
I've not had the best relationship with my parents which is probably why I hate it when they try to control my life too much.
Even if you had a good relationship with them, you still would be annoyed with them trying to control your life.
No one likes being controlled... well, not everyone. Some people just can't handle their own lives.
Quote:
Also I am 22 almost 23 years old, yet they insist on telling me what not to do and then get annoyed when I do the opposite.
Age has nothing to do with authority. Though it's practically a law that age does give authority, sensibly speaking: Age means sh*t.
There are 40 year olds out there who are more immature and irresponsible than most 13-year olds. Age means crap. You're their kid, of course they're gonna' get pissed if you do the opposite of what they told you!
ANYONE would get pissed if a person kept doing the opposite of what they told them to do!
Why do you think so many kids throw their controllers at the TV?
Quote:
Like my new hair cut for example, I've had a lot of people say it really suites me compared to my parents who say it looks horrible.
So...
You're saying that your parents can't have their own opinion?
So what if they don't like it?
If it really bothers you, then that means you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEIR OPINION.
If you didn't care about their opinion, you wouldn't have mentioned that. And if you care, you just feel like you're being mistreated...
...being mistreated in the form of "How we grew up, and how we see you... we actually have the own idea in our heads that your haircut is... t3h UglEEz."
Get over it, it's their opinion.
Quote:
Ok they might be loosing their little who really they lost when i turned 16. I am not a child any more and I can do what I want.
Do you still live under their roof?
Well then obviously you aren't responsible enough to take care of yourself yet.
If you WERE responsible enough, you'd already have moved out. That's how EVERY parent should see it.
As long as you still live there, they believe you still need their help.
Why do you think adults move back in with their parents?
Financial problems (or wife-problems... or husband-problems). Henceforth, they're going back in to accept their parents' help until things cool over.
You under that roof = You need their help.
If you DON'T live under the same roof as them... then why the hell are you complaining about your parents? Block their number. Move to another place and don't tell them where you're going. If they send a private investigator, then get a restraining order.
Simple, no?
Quote:
Its just so frustrating when my parents tell me what to do.
...you mean what teenagers complain about?
Quote:
Another thing is that Mother doesn't think I am ready to get married because my bf is in NY.
...does it matter what your mom thinks? If you think you're ready, then marry. You're not marrying your mom.
Quote:
She won't ever understand what I feel because she wants me to be this little child and stay that way. The obedient child who does what they are told.
Two words: MOVE OUT.
She's your mom, of course she's gonna' be like that. Some parents just take a billion years to let go of their children, sometimes it takes a trillion years as long as their CHILD IS STILL LIVING WITH THEM.
Quote:
If I was to follow in my mothers footsteps, then I would have gotten married when I was 20 and that isn't me at all.
...but she's not trying to make you like her. Because if she was, she would be SUPPORTING YOUR MARRIAGE, wouldn't she?
Quote:
MY parents just don't seem to let me find my own personality and life style because in their eye's I am still young.
Technically, according to how long a human can live... you ARE still young.
And seriously, you DON'T NEED your parents to let you find your own personality. Only you can find it. And by the looks of it, you already have.
Quote:
It just gets really hard to find the support I want to live my life really.
You can find support in your hubby, you don't need your parents' support anymore.
As far as I can see, a person only needs support when they accept it.
It doesn't look like you're accepting your parents, so you're not going to get their support.
Re: Parents Projecting onto their children.
I've been accused of projecting to strongly upon my children.
My gradmother scolded me when she saw that I had gotten my two young boys hair cut into mowhawks (sp?). She said it was imposing MY sense of style onto them. What she would have wanted to see, was a nice clean cut. Which also woulda been me pushing my own sense of what is apropriate for 3 and 6 year old boys. Truth be told.... If I let my children decide.... the'd have multicolored hair.
At their young age I have to project on to them. But in their 20's? I would hope I can keep it to a minimum. I am eager to see what type of decision makers they become. So I hope I will allow them to bump around and figure stuff out. But I can see where it would be hard to transition from being that guiding parent... To more of a spectator, and back up support.
