I've tried my hardest to find anything good in you that makes you worth being alive.
What gives me a right to judge?
Funny question, I ask the same thing towards you.
But that's not fair of me, I should answer that question.
The right I have to judge was earned when I shut my mouth and listened. To all of you.
I may not have met every person in the world, but I've met the handful of groups that matter within this area of the world. This area, is our culture, our world. What people think of this area doesn't matter since they're not living in it. We need no sympathy, we need no criticism, and we sure as hell don't need their attention.
So your worth in the entire world doesn't matter until you leave this specific world this culture has made.
As a man who had to sit back and hold my tongue, watching all of you pass me by and go on with your lives... hearing your whimpers when you go off thinking no one's watching... seeing your fights... all of it...
I hated staying silent, I really did. But that's what I promised myself that I would do and I did.....
A good 3 years of silence... having to listen to all of you.........
You, specifically, brother.
I've watched and listened. I paid attention and didn't judge.
Not until I got all my facts straight.
Your position in this culture is in the middle. Higher than most of us, but just high enough to compete to get into the higher spots.
But you see, there's a 2nd culture around here.
And in my observation: The 2nd culture... As blind as they are - they make a difference to the outside world and actually looked before they leaped.
Your culture leaps, falls, and blames all those around you for what happened to you.
You never truly stopped and thinked where you were in life. In real true life.
You just cared about yourself. Thinking that's what everyone does.
You took your classes of psychology to reaffirm it, but all you did was mutate its words to defend you-instead of seeing what those words truly meant.
Your despicable bro... you shove your weight around as if you mattered... only using it as a ruse: You know for a fact that you're insecure... you know that without that status you're nothing. You have no redeeming qualities except for the ones you lied with.
Your friends don't know who you really are... a baby on the inside that never learned how to grow up. You're scared that they'll realize you really don't know what to do with your life. You're scared there's nothing in this life at all.
But your testosterone makes you refuse to become an emo, despite your love for the music.
... you're pathetic... you really are...
I spent 3/4 of my life under your heel. You bullied me and crushed me everytime you could... and it was all for the little things. But you all saw it as one thing: You weren't getting what you wanted, but you were too immature to admit that you were the biggest brat of us all.
You wanted to be someone - but never could be. You copied the people around you because you thought that's what made them someone. But in the end, it was an empty feeling. You grew in frustration, and started copying the bad habits of our mom and uncles...
In the end, you just wanted to stay in your little ball - never growing up on the inside, scared - while a shell of a man grew on the outside, pretending he knew everything.
You're a brat, brother... always were... We all grew up, and you never understood how..... you appreciated me when I was a brat because I was more like you - but you bullied me because you wanted to be the favorite - and not the favorite of our parents, but the favorite of everyone.
When I grew up, you despised me and tried bullying me more... but you became scared of me... as if I was dangerous.
You did the right thing of backing off - I really was tired of you.
I outgrew you, bro... YEARS ago.
I've outgrown everyone in this family and have already seen what made their faults and what made my own.
But unlike them, you have no respect from me.
To this day, I still have a tiny form of respect for you: You're my brother and we grew up in a culture where we appreciate family. For that, I am obligated to respect you.
And even more: Our mother loves you, because you remind her of herself. And for that, I respect our mother's wishes - but I will not befriend you as she wishes me to do. We just won't talk, so we won't fight.
Appreciate that we're family, or else you'd be dead by now.
That's the only wall keeping me from getting to you.
Do you know that when I was young, still in elementary, I pondered of ways of getting rid of you permanently? Do you know what it's like to always be bullied and pushed around just because that person "didn't like what you were doing because it doesn't please him"? ...just because you were older, doesn't mean you were king of me.
... ... you had a right to be scared of me.
...I stopped those hateful feelings as a I grew up and started studying spiritual things... but as I grew in that, a renewed hatred appeared...
you... you're useless... you really are...
Your friends would miss you... your family would miss you... but in reality, they would've been better off...
I thought of every kind of situation where you wouldn't exist. And in only one, did I find that you would have been missed.
But that's one, out of thousands. And it was one of the most bleakest situations...
But in that fashion, every person has a reason for existence. Every person in that situation would be missed.
And I find that reason useless.
Fun fact though: As long as I don't realize your existence - you're fine.
Because your type never crosses paths with me - and they never should.
Your type should be thankful for existing... you don't give anything good for these people. People could say you're an example of what we shouldn't be: But even without your existence -we would've never become like you.
We could find a place for you in this world... but that'd be denying a better person who could take your place.
You better pop that bubble and grow up soon, brother... because if you don't... if we cross paths ONE MORE TIME on the wrong foot.......