I need to write this... I need to do something.

I'm having a bad day\night\wee hours of the morning.

As of recently... I found myself in a "relationship". And, I haven't a clue what that really means anymore. It's been so long since I have been with someone in that way. In a way where we're actually supposed to regard each others feelings or whatever. I feel like a blind person attempting to do one of those ninja warrior obstacles.

Anyway. I was supposed to have a babysitter for the evening. I figured part of a "relationship" would mean that I wouldn't be be lonely on such an occasion. Especially since I am in a position where I'm attempting to break some old habits (like drinking on Friday nights when I have a baby sitter and money in my pocket) and I could've used some support.

But I found myself alone. I had friends invite me out.... but... I was kinda depressed and I know where it would lead to (drinking). So... I just opted to keep my children. While my mother (who usually would have had my kids over night) just treated us to dinner at Old Country Buffet.

She got food for my oldest child. while I made a plate for my youngest. My older son had chips and pizza with soda. Followed by 3 pieces of cake, and a slushie. Grandmothers are pushovers. My youngest had variety of nutritious foods... that he barely touched. As I am watching my oldest devour his junk food ... I'm thinking..."No good can come of this".

When we get home... my children BEG me to sleep in my bed... another habit which needs breaking. Especially with a boyfriend factoring in. BUT.... I caved in... and we watched a movie in my room and fell asleep.....

ONLY FOR ME TO BE AWOKEN BY THE SOUND OF A VOMITING CHILD, ALL OVER MY BED!!!!

Funny thing was.... it was the younger one.... I guess now I see why he didn't touch his food. Mr. junk food face is doing just fine. Go figure.

It doesn't help my resentment that my younger boy is fathered by this "boyfriend". Who.... was somewhere else during all of this. So here I am, alone washing bedding and bathing sick kids. I'm sober on a night I could be out having "fun", and, I'm single handed parenting...
I so thought the point of this "serious relationship with the father of my kid" deal was to ease some of that stress y'know? That FAMILY feeling.

The only good thing about tonight... is that I didn't drink even though I wanted to and had liquor in my face even.

And, that I realized my 7 year old can digest junk food pretty well.