I had this epiphany (even though its more of a reiteration of stuff I've known for while). I pathetically fantasize about the type of person I might want in my life. All my life I've had a tendency to put faces to that vision. (mmm mmm mmm) Based on aspects of people I've been fortunate enough to piece together of course. So.... its not like I'm entirely fabricating it... yet its a small portion of my perception of reality.
ANYWAY... I "crush". That distant desire to want involvement with someone. Someone you probably have an intuition about. That perhaps they'd fit somewhere. Somewhere where it feels like something is missing.
Its crazy to see how things can end up, when what was good as a fantasy, ends up in realities doorway.
I've had it blow up in my face too... How can something that derived from something as pure as admiration turn out so badly sometimes?
And it can't be a dislike of the admiration (our admiration of them). That's never been where things go wrong in my experience. Probably because on a human level... Most of us desire companionship. Admiration makes that easier to get (in theory).
I've thought about people wanting what they can't have. Like, if its easy to get... there's no value in the pursuit. But, someone has to pursue. I mean... there is truth to appreciating the challenge of a conquer. But, at some point someone has to bend to make it work. SO... I cant fully buy that someone giving in... is where things go wrong either.
But.... I think I have caught on to something... Its fear of responsibility. Being adored is great. Challenges are appreciated. But love is frightening. Dealing with love makes us all somehow feel responsible for the other persons heart involved. Its hard to remember that we must own our responses to our own pain.
What it boils down to... Is that we all, on some level want to be loved. But..... loving back has turned into this daunting and overwhelming task for people (mainly men, though I hate to generalize).
Women (since I am generalizing) convince ourselves we need to lavish love upon someone, to feel complete. To feel fulfilled. But even that isn't as genuine as we want to believe it is. Its part of our hunt. Our ammunition. Our tactic..... we need someone to share responsibility for our broken hearts. Like getting help with the groceries we purchased... but that seems too much to haul in on our own. We send out love, with a relentless expectation of loves return to us. A set up for disappointment. Can you love without a desire to receive it from the source you've poured it into?
Perhaps loving from a distance is the purest love. Perhaps fantasy is the safest sex. Maybe crushes aren't so pathetic after all.
So.. in the future... take pride in what you admire. Enjoy distance. If you both decide to move forward... understand that there are motives on both ends... and go slow.
Me.... I'm beginning to accept alone. I don't have to remind myself I'm the only one responsible for my heartbreak this way. Its kinda nice.