Thread: Ninja Santa

So it is 2:30 in the morning. And I have just got finished doing my ninja santa duties.

I have been anxious for like... the past two weeks. And this will likely be one of my more personal journal entries.

A bunch of negative things have come into play in my personal life. Things that challenge me as a parent. As a lover. As a friend. But mostly as a parent. And to be quite honest, one of my shortcomings has had a rather large consequence. Leaving many people in disapointment and doubt concerning me and my ability to be a mom.

However, that one shortcoming, and even its consequence... Doesn't even come close to making me a poor mother. None of my recent events can measure up in negativity, to the positivity that I lavish upon my kids. My strengths overpower my shortcomings any day.

Still, it doesn't change the negative light in which I believe I am being viewed in.

So back to the anxiety. I just feel a huge pressure to please everyone this holiday season. And, that would normally be an unreasonable goal. A sight set too high. And I realize that keeping everyone happy is unrealistic. Still, everytime I disapoint some one. It seems to hit me much harder than I expect it would under more "normal" circumstances. Yet, because I find myself in the position of redemption, I still feel a more prominant pressure to please.

So, I fell asleep with my boys. Knowing I would have to wake up again and do my santa duties. My kids (ages 6, and 3) they seemingly still believe in jolly, old, fat man. Its up to me to keep that magic alive.

I was so extremely tired. Wrapped up in my boys. I didn't want to move. And on top of that, I was having nightmares about being cought in the act of filling Santa's shoes. This can NOT be the year that they get concrete proof that Santa isn't real.

Finally, I manage to get up and do the gifts, and stockings. Most of my gifts for the kids have been donated to our family. Because of my recent crisis, I hadn't really looked them over until now. It would have depressed me further. But as I am laying them beneath the tree, I see my youngest has 5 gifts, and my oldest only has 3. I am already anticipating the fit.

They both have really awesome toys from me though... ones to share, so no one is jealous. A "smart cycle" which is like a stationary bike\ video game\ learning tool. A craine machine (y'know those arcade machines with the claw that grabs prizes) that doubles as a coin bank. Although I would need to by prizes to put inside the machine. Everytime the kids go somewhere where there is a craine machine they always gamble their quarters away, on a machine rigged to NOT grab a prize. It will be nice to see a machine that will give a prize, AND save their money. I also got them an arcade duck shooting game. Shoots down little cut out duckies, with a laser beam. It looks like fun! So I am hoping these gifts will please my oldest enough to where he doesn't notice his lack of personal gifts.

Either way, I am all done. I have stuffed the stockings and stacked the presents. And instead of cookies and milk. I am enjoying grapefruit juice and potato chips. Soon I will crawl back into bed, only to wake up and pretend to be surprised with them. I just hope this all goes well.