What do you do when it seems like everything is falling apart. And not even like thats the course that life is just taking for now. Not like things are going to get better soon. More as if things are just pre-destined to fall apart. And somehow it feels like it is my job, and my job alone... to hold things together despite odds seeming agianst me.
And I know that isn't really the case. Deep down anyway, I am trying to believe that isn't the case. But it feels that way. I don't want to feel alone. Especially knowing that there are people claiming their support of and for me. But, I can't help but wonder.
I spend so much time alone, with my thoughts. In silence. Confused. Affraid. Trying to hold up this giant pile of mess. Everytime I try to pick up one aspect of life, another two or three things fall to the wayside. And, I am so... exhausted! And yet, I feel ashamed and selfish for even wanting help.
However, there are some really awesome aspects of me that I feel someone should WANT in on. For starters I have a huge heart. Forgiving and loyal. And, don't get me wrong... There are people who claim they want my love. But... the vibe I get from them is wrong. And another one of my useful traits is that I'd like to think I am half way decent at reading energy. I really feel uncomfortable when people pop up out of the woodwork proclaiming interest. When really that interest feels less like interest in ME, and more like interest in filling some selfish void within themselves.
Often I feel like I have a selfish void to fill as well. And KNOWING that about myself has actually prevented me from seeking someone just to fill it. I know I don't want anyone to do that to me. Which means I also attain a grounded level of honestly, set in a reality most people dont keep it real enough to come to terms with. Yeah, that's right... I keep it real.
Another possitive feature of mine is that I am creative and innovative. (not to toot my own horn). I really don't just mean in an artistic sense either. I try to stretch it into many aspects of life. I enjoy problem solving. I'd like to believe that I'd make a good partner. But... Eh.... That aspect of life I suppose I should take relief in knowing I have no control over. Seeing as how I feel like I already have so much on my shoulders.
... Not Ever Again...