When Real are am
Hey guys, back just because I forgot the password to my other online journal (of which I haven't posted in months as well). :p I'll most likely remember it by the time I finish this post...
I needed to get something off my chest due to all the stress I've been going through + the flooding of ideas drowning my head (a reverse block)...
So... I wondered...
When are we real? Real to ourselves?
There are a number of situations many consider when we're truest to ourselves:
- When we're alone.
- When we're with our friends.
- When we're with strangers.
- When we're broken.
- When we're most comfortable.
- When we've triumphed.
- The epiphany effect.
Due to the site disallowing me to post this, I've Rot13'd it, use this site to decypher it: http://www.rot13.com/index.php
Abj urer ner gur ceboyrzf...
""Jura jr'er nybar::
Ubj qb jr xabj gung'f jura jr'er gur zbfg erny? Gur gehrfg gb bhefryirf? Fher jr frr bhe srnef naq ceboyrzf crefbavsvrq jvguva bhe ybaryvarff, jvgu n tebjvat ungerq bs bhefryirf nf gvzr cnffrf ba... ...V xabj jung vg'f yvxr gb or nybar, zber guna zbfg, yrff guna gur fcrpvny pnfrf. V fcrag lrnef nybar jvgu zlfrys, gb gur cbvag jurer V xabj zber nobhg zlfrys guna zbfg xabj bs gurzfryirf... Fb qvq V sbhaq bhg jub V jnf? V fher qvq. Ohg qvq vg zrna V jnf gehrfg gb zlfrys? Ab, vg zrnag V jnf snprq jvgu zlfrys, cenpgvpnyyl yvxr n crefba ybbxvat ng na vagrenpgvir zveebe. Vg fubjf gurz jub gurl ernyyl ner, naq jung gurve fhopbafpvbhf gehyl guvaxf bs gurz. Lbh srne lbhefrys, lbh ungr lbhefrys, lbh qvfthfg lbhefrys, lbh cvgl lbhefrys... lbhefrys orpbzrf gjb cnegf, bar nyjnlf ybbxvat qbja ng gur bgure. Gung'f VS lbh npghnyyl gel gb pbairefr jvgu lbhefrys. Vs lbh qba'g, lbh whfg zvtug raq hc penml be oyrffrq ol orvat hanssrpgrq.
Ohg jung'f gur qvssrerapr bs yrneavat jub lbh ner ng lbhe ybjrfg naq npghnyyl orvat erny? ...gur qvssrerapr vf gung lbh'er nybar, lbhe fvqr gung vagrenpgf jvgu bguref vf fvyraprq naq fvzcyl chg nf rivqrapr sbe lbhe crefbanyvgvrf gb whqtr - ur uvzfrys pnaabg ernpg va ernyvfz. Lbh qba'g ernyvmr lbhe ybjrfg jura jvgu bguref, naq arvgure qb lbh erirny cnegf bs lbh lbh arire ernyvmrq rkvfgrq jura bguref ner nebhaq. Vg'f bayl bar unys bs gur fgbel.
""Jura jr'er jvgu sevraqf::
Bar bs gur ovttrfg yvrf gurer vf. Ab znggre ubj pybfr lbh ner gb lbhe sevraqf, lbh ner arire gehyl jub lbh ner nebhaq gurz. Lbh ernpg gb jub gurl ernpg - rira lbhe vaqvivqhny ernpgvbaf ntnvafg gurz ner perngrq ol lrnef bs pbaqvgvbavat gung lbh'ir unq jvgu gurz. Lbh'er whfg nf yrtvg nf gurl ner naq gurl ner nf yrtvg nf n pbzcnavba perngher.
Gjb perngherf, qvssrerag va fcrpvrf naq qrfvta, pna pbrkvfg jvgu bar nabgure naq pna rira uryc rnpu bgure - ohg ner gurl erny va ernpgvbaf? Ab, gurl'er erny va ernpgvbaf jura ernpgvat gb nabgure fcrpvrf. Vafgvapgf zvkrq jvgu rkcrevraprf whqtr ubj gurl ernpg gb gur bgure vavgvnyyl, gura gur inevnoyrf fgneg trggvat guebja va: cynpr, juvpu fcrpvrf, ubj gurl'er ernpgvat gb lbh, qvrg, jrngure, gvzr, rgp, rgp rgp. N gbgny ohggresyl rssrpg pbzrf va gung jbhyq guebj bss lbhe ernyvfz... ohg abg bayl gung, lbhe nggvghqr vf pbzcyrgryl QRCRAQRAG ba gur crefba lbh'er ernpgvat gb. Naq vs lbh unir gb qrcraq ba nabgure urnivyl, lbhe punaprf bs fubjvat n gehyl erny fvqr bs lbh vf fyvz gb abar.
Vg'f vafgvapghny. Jul vf na vafgvapghny ernpgvba abg n erny ernpgvba? Orpnhfr vg'f fbzrguvat gung rkvfgf onfrq ba trargvpf naq rkcrevrapr, lbhe urneg naq fbhy naq zvaq ner zbfg yvxryl abg qbvat nalguvat erny qhr gb lbhe vafgvapgf. Lbhe vafgvapgf ner qvssrerag sebz jub lbh ner fvapr vafgvapgf eha yvxr n onpxtebhaq cebtenz, abg gur birenyy qrfvta sbe gur cebtenz. Vg'f yrff njner bs gur jbeyq nebhaq gurz, abg tvivat gehr ernpgvbaf, abg tvivat "NJNXR" ernpgvbaf - zber yvxr ehaavat na nhgbcebtenz.
""Jura jr'er jvgu fgenatref::
Creuncf ol erzbivat gur qrcraqrapl ba gur crefba lbh zvtug or zber erny. Juvyr gehr lbh ner fgvyy qrcraqrag ba gur crefba vs gurl'er n fgenatre, lbh unir yrff pbaarpgvbaf jvgu gurz - yrff pbaarpgvbaf = yrff boivbhf ernpgvbaf = uvture punaprf bs erny ernpgvbaf vafgrnq bs vafgvapghny.
...ohg gur ceboyrz vf lbh'er fgvyy urnivyl qrcraqrag ba gur fgenatre, nf gurve ernpgvba jvyy vasyhrapr lbh. Zhpu yvxr n sevraq, n fgenatre vasyhraprf lbh gb qb pregnva npgvbaf naq fnl pregnva guvatf -juvyr lbh znl ernpg "erny" va gur ortvaavat nf lbh'er gelvat gb jbex lbhe urnq nebhaq jub gur crefba vf, lbhe ernpgvbaf jvyy gura genafsbez naq nqncg vagb nalguvat gur crefba vf (hayrff lbh'er n pbaprvgrq crefba, bs juvpu nal punapr bs "ernyarff" cebonoyl jnf gbffrq bhg gur jvaqbj ol lbh fbzr gvzr ntb).
Jr'ir uvg nabgure qrnq raq.
""Jura jr'er oebxra::
Unir lbh rire orra oebxra? Unf lbhe ragver jbeyq nebhaq lbh pbzr penfuvat qbja? Unir lbh gevrq tenfcvat sbe nalguvat ohg ernyvmrq gurer jnf abguvat gurer? ...vs lbh unir... jrer lbh erny?
Ab... lbh jrer oebxra... sbe n juvyr lbh jrer qrfcrengr, gura lbh terj pbyq naq fvyrag, lbhe rlrf oynax ng gur ernyvmngvba lbh unq abguvat nalzber...
Nalguvat gung pnzr gbjneqf lbh jvgu na bcra unaq, vs lbh npprcgrq vg, jbhyq punatr lbh creznaragyl. Vg'f yvxr n ercebtenzzvat. Renfr gur zrzbel, abj erjevgr vg. Vg jbexf zhpu yvxr oenvajnfuvat.
Nsgre orvat oenvajnfurq vg'f arne vzcbffvoyr gb or "erny" nalzber nf lbh'er abj na rkgrafvba bs jubrire "urycrq" lbh bhg bs gur thggre... gur bayl jnl gb erireg lbh onpx gb lbhe bevtvany frys vf gb or oebxra ntnva.
Gur oebxra fgngr vfa'g n cynpr jurer lbh ner jub lbh ner... vg'f jurer lbh tnir hc ba rira lbhefrys. Ernyvfz vfa'g gurer, lbh'er n qbyy jvgu n srj vafgvapgf yrsg. Lbh pna snxr orvat erny ng guvf cbvag, ohg lbh pna srry gung'f ubyybj... fbzrguvat arrqf gb erwhirangr lbh... hfhnyyl ol urnevat jung lbh arrqrq gb urne.
""Jura jr'er zbfg pbzsbegnoyr::
Gur ceboyrz urer vf... jryy... Yrg'f fnl lbh'er whfg unatvat bhg. Unatvat bhg. Yvxr... ybhatvat fbzrjurer univat lbhe snibevgr fanpx naq qevax. Ner lbh erny? Jung pbhyq or unccravat vf gung lbh'er ba n fgnaqol zbqr, jnvgvat sbe gur arkg erny vagrenpgvba gb jnxr lbh hc. Zbfg yvxryl jungrire gung vagrenpgvba znl or jvyy zbfg yvxryl punatr lbh vagb n qvssrerag sbez bs lbh, vafgrnq bs znxvat lbh erny.
Lbhe fgnaqol zbqr vf erny va vgfrys, ohg lbhe njnxr crefbanyvgl vfa'g va rkvfgrapr urer... vg'f zber bs lbhe fhopbafpvbhf, zber bs lbhe vafgvapg. Lbh'er jnvgvat sbe fbzrguvat gb jnxr lbh. Gung'f abg erny, gung'f fyrrc, fyrrc va lbhe fbhy'f frafr.
""Jura jr'ir gevhzcurq::
Pybfr, ohg n wbxr ng gur fnzr gvzr. Jura n crefba ernpurf n pregnva cbvag bs fngvfsnpgvba, gurl'ir gevhzcurq. Ng guvf cvaanpyr, gurl frr nyy gur uneqjbex gurl'ir chfurq guebhtu gb trg urer - gurve tbny - gurve vagragvbaf unir orra zrg. Guvf fubjf lbh jub lbh ner va gur ybat eha svanyyl ernpuvat vgf raq... gb gubfr jub jngpu lbh, vs gurl frr nyy gur natyrf, gurl frr gur gehr lbh'f vagragvbaf. Abg lbh.
Fbzrgvzrf crbcyr unir gur jebat vagragvbaf, qb lbh ubarfgyl jnag gung gb or lbh?
Lbhe vagragvba zrnaf abguvat zber guna lbhe 'jul', abg lbhe 'jung'.
Naq abj jr'ir ernpurq nabgure cynar. Jr'er abg gelvat gb svaq bhg 'jub' lbh ner, fvapr gung'f fubja va nyy lbhe npgvbaf. Jr'er gelvat gb svaq bhg 'jura' 'jung' lbh ner rkvfgf. Jung vf gur fbhy. Jub vf gur qrfpevcgvba. Jub vf gur anzr, jung vf gur rkvfgrapr.
Ohg lrnu, gevhzcuvat zrnaf abguvat zber guna n tbny orvat zrg. Vg fubjf lbhe 'jul' ohg abg lbhe 'jung'. Fbzr crbcyr guvax gur 'jul' vf zber vzcbegnag, ohg frrvat gung crbcyr pna punatr - 'jul' vf n jvful-jnful qrfpevcgvba bs n crefba. N crefba'f 'jul' pna punatr, vg'f abg na rkvfgrapr. Ohg qba'g ernq guvf gur jebat jnl: N crefba'f 'jul' zhfg nyjnlf or whqtrq, ab znggre vs gurl "yrnea sebz vg".
""Gur rcvcunal rssrpg::
Unir lbh rire ernpurq na rzbgvbanyyl-fuerqqvat rcvcunal? Vg'f jung znxrf n fryrpg srj tb vagb eryvtvba (znal bguref tb vagb eryvtvba frnepuvat sbe nafjref, abg orpnhfr gurl sbhaq bar). Vg'f n ernyvmngvba... yvxr lbhe ragver zvaq, urneg, naq fbhy unq bcrarq hc. Yvxr n arj qvzrafvba bcrarq hc. Nf vs gur tebhaq orybj lbh fuerq bcra naq lbh jrer fjnyybjrq vagb gur arj jbeyq.
Gur rcvcunal rssrpg vf yvxr orvat oebxra, ohg jvgu n cbfvgvir tvsg vafgrnq bs lbhe arrqf orvat gnxra. Vg'f vafcvevat ernyyl.
Ohg ner lbh erny? Ab... vs nalguvat vg znxrf lbh lbhefrys srry vafvtavsvpnag gb n ynetre gehgu. Va n jnl vg znxrf lbh erny va sebag bs lbhe ernyvmngvba, ohg lbh'er va ab jnl gur znva punenpgre urer.
Uvggvat gur rcvcunal rssrpg znxrf vg rnfl sbe bguref crre vagb lbhe irel fbhy jura gurl ybbx ng lbh, ohg lbh lbhefrys ner abg njner gb vg. Vs lbh'er abg njner bs vg, vf vg gur shyy rssrpg bs orvat erny?
...sbe znal, vg'f gur pybfrfg gb erny gurl'yy trg... znal crbcyr yvir gurve yvirf jvguva gur snyfr jnyyf gurl'ir perngrq nebhaq gurz... na rcvcunal oernxf gubfr jnyyf qbja nebhaq gurz - ohg jvgubhg gurz orvat shyyl njner vg'f n unys-nefrq irefvba bs orvat erny.
Re: When Real are am
Time to put the examples into image form:
1. Alone: A person under a spotlight within a black, empty room. Mirrors appear around them randomly, shifting in and out of reality. These mirrors are their own creation and don't truly exist. They are a slave to themselves. Though real in a sense of singularity, they are not truly living. Not truly alive. Not truly real.
2. With Friends: A person shaped like a jigsaw piece, fitting in with other pieces. The other pieces may fit perfectly but none of them are from the same puzzle, the picture they create is not the true picture. The person feels comfortable and feels happiest because they are now surrounded by pieces that connect to them almost perfectly (or perfectly). But they are just a piece. Unless the pieces create the true picture, being a piece in an incomplete or distorted picture is nothing more than being a false self.
3. With Strangers: A person as a dancer facing a faceless dancer. Each one is trying to figure out the other person's dance and who's truly leading. In the end they want to coordinate perfectly or to disperse and find another dance partner. For a while the person is real as they try their own dance moves to initiate the dance or if they misunderstand the other dancer's moves due to lack of knowledge of those dance moves. But after a few steps that dance either becomes a beautiful coordination that makes the person nothing more than a cog to a machine, or disperses - leaving the person confused as to what happened.
4. Broken: A person shattered into glass pieces onto a floor. That is no person. That is not real. It's broken.
5. Comfortable: A person shaped like a ball that fits perfectly in a dip on the ground. However there's more to the ball than just it sitting idly. The ball could be confused as a design on the floor. But no, this ball bounces or slides. But no one knows that, with how it is in this state, it could just be a statue. This isn't the real self if it can be misidentified this easily.
6. Triumph: A person standing at the top of a pyramid. Others can see that this certain pyramid was the field, and that the top was the goal. But most cannot see the person at the top of it. And when they do see this person, the person isn't so easy to see with the sunlight covering their face. Realism is lost at the moment.
7. Epiphany: A person shaped as a lightbulb. The lightbulb is turned on. What people see and what the person points to: Is the light. The odd thing is, this lightbulb wasn't really meant to be a lightbulb, nor did it intend to be. But because it was screwed onto a certain spot due to a series of events, electricity ran through it and used its conveniently placed wires to create a light-up effect. Due to the obvious surprise the lightbulb-shaped person is giving, it's obvious to others that it wasn't always a lightbulb. But that doesn't matter to the person now, what matters is the light. Not real.
So what makes a person real?
For my standards:
- They have to be aware of themselves
- Others have to be able to discern what makes them "real"
- Their experiences and instincts are not their main focus
- They shouldn't be able to change from this "mode" easily
The best way I describe this is: "AWAKE".
Now you may wonder why I never put "family" in those choices wayy up there... there's a reason for that.
Reason #1: Everyone's families and reactions to families are different, but how one reacts to friends and strangers are the same in structure.
Reason #2: Everyone is real in a family IN THE BEGINNING. But due to a departure from them (interactions with anything in any form creates a departure), one becomes less real with their family despite always feeling comfortable and open around them.
What I wonder is... when real are am.
When is one real? My phrase of "when real are am" feels much more true to my question... saying "When is one real" feels like I peeled a banana and called its parts a banana.
When real are am?
Perhaps one is real when they "wake up"... the moment when their mind sparks and they realize... they have hands... and their fingers are long... and there's this person in front of them... elementary thoughts that are usually spawned by those under the influence of drugs, but these thoughts can be conjured naturally without drugs. It's much truer without drugs, as drugs act like a "breaker", forcing down walls to reveal one's self. Break the walls enough times and the drugs start trying to break down the person themselves. It starts breaking the reality of the person.
To be able to REALIZE these elementary thoughts without the use of drugs acts like an epiphany, but to your own existence. However this epiphany is short-lived as you'll soon lose the feeling and revert back to your programmed and dependent-self.
But when at this state, you realize you're a lot more vulnerable than you used to be. That's due to the walls around you being nonexistant. It's a good feeling, quite freeing. At this state, you should also be able to see others in a different light. Sometimes you'll have "flash-ins" when you look at them (a form of flashback that remembers events of the person, but it feels like it's part of the present - as if past, present, and future are one in the same but the present is just the one you're looking at). Sometimes you'll see something about them you've never seen before. Or sometimes you realize how much they truly mean to you. Things are more real. Colors feel alive. Air feels solid in your grip. And you feel truly ALIVE.
This form of reality of a person is so exaggerated to them because they have lost contact of their "realness" for years - only experiencing it in short bursts throughout their lifetime.
This realness is often destroyed due to the lessons we learned (we create boundaries and bars to restrict our problems) and the connections we have made (we set up psychic lines that react negatively when we cross them).
If you want to remember when's the last time you truly felt real if you haven't experienced this revelation....... think back to your childhood. Remember how everything you experienced felt soo... REAL?
That's who you were when you were real. If at any point things didn't feel so real in your childhood, it's because you were setting up boundaries at that moment.
While boundaries keep us safe, they aren't necessary. What is necessary is to LEARN from problems, setting up fences isn't needed as long as we walk the right way.
When I was a child, I had no boundaries except when around strangers. I set up some serious boundaries around strangers, so now I'm awful at socialization. I kept my "realness" for years and years... often confused as to why others around me started feeling less "real".
I was innocent and naive, not because I never experienced anything - it's because I never set up boundaries.
...I never really lost my 100% "realness" until a few months into the relationship of my darling. I had to set up boundaries because now I was looking out for two people, and one of them happened to be a clumsy girl that would hit the "karma" button accidentally and make all the things that I had coming -come.
I know she feels sorry about it heavily. And that she'd do anything to change it. But I don't regret it. I can feel real every now and again in random bursts, and I know what feeling real is like. If I wanted I could drop all the barriers, but I myself suggest strongly against it for fear of karma hitting me in the nuts. I don't mind. I did it for her. And we are truly happy together because I kept these barriers up to keep us safe. Sure we could feel a billion % happier if these barriers were down, but I'd prefer to bring them down when we're safe (financially sound, no family connections yanking us back in, and any 100% responsibility so that any hell that happens will be because of us and not any variables caused by key strangers).
Ah~~~ (sigh of relief*)
I feel much better.
And to make it up to those who read, here you go:
Re: When Real are am
Now here's the weirdest thing: I had a giant section of post behind my second one, but it won't let me post it at all!
I've actually had a problem like this before on AO... there was a certain phrase that the site wouldn't let me post. Everytime I tried, the browser would crash. But if I erased that one phrase, my entire post would go through.
I tried to let my girl do it to see if I was crazy: Sure enough, it wouldn't work for her either unless she removed the phrase!
I swear, is AO being watched by the government and I'm just lucky as hell to type down certain phrases in the correct order?
EDIT: I put the paragraph back in but used Rot13 to cypher it to let it through.
Use this site to decypher it:
Re: When Real are am
:) double rainbow, triple rainbow
:D you're so smart, Sweetie~
Re: When Real are am
I'd have to say I lost about 50% of my realness during my drug/alcohol use. I didn't really realize it until I quit all that junk and started working on myself. The great thing is that you can get all that back though. I feel like I'm just as real as I was before I started getting high and drinking. If not, more. It's crazy. "Epiphany" was a good choice of words because, that's exactly what I had last year. It was time to stop hiding behind the social walls I put up and start becoming more real. I still kinda suck at socializing, but since I've been trying to fit in my "friendship puzzle" and "coordinate my dance moves" with strangers, it's been getting better.
Your post made my day, Soshi. Thanks for the nugget of wisdom! :D: