A lot of my relationships are strange. The ones with my ex's are especially.
I want to talk about one such relationship and I'm doing it here, even though it's highly personal, because I know said ex reads my other blogs and has not a clue of this one and it's not that I don't want him to know anything it's just I don't want to upset him or anything and I'm not sure how to address the issue really.
Now this is an old internet boyfriend. HOWEVER, I have been talking to this guy on the phone and on the internet since I was like....thirteen. He's known me more or less half my life! He understands me pretty well and while he's highly moral and extremely judgmental sometimes, he still accepts me and such despite disagreeing with some of the things I've done and the choices I've made. He's ultra conservative and against all drinking and smoking and drugs and he's really vanilla about sex too, despite being a pervert and a male. (He has some kinks and a high high sex drive to explain why I call him a pervert.)
Anyways... I told him some things that I guess he didn't know about me but I had assumed he did and it made him feel awkward. Which in turn made me feel strange. Because I don't really understand that. But he told me he still likes me and that he worries over me.
That's the part that makes me feel really awkward. I dated this guy last when I was around eighteen. We broke up essentially because I moved out of my moms house and had no way to keep in regular contact with him because of it. We briefly spoke semi-romantically when I broke up with Sprout. He was very supportive and was having a rough time with his psychotic now ex then girlfriend at the time. And I explained then, that I probably wouldn't be his girlfriend even if he were single because the distance thing is a problem for me now. I can't be with someone I can't look at not through a computer screen, that I can't touch, smell, hug, kiss. I can't do without those little tokens of affection now that I've had them so regularly. I wouldn't really feel as if I were in a relationship at all. I would feel lonely and sad. And all it would do is set me up to miss someone who can't be here. Which is the biggest problem I had with my past e-relationships. Missing someone I've never met feels really retarded to me. Especially now that I've grown up and had real life relationships. I enjoy living with my significant other at this point. I adore raising children with him. I can't imagine sharing my life with an absent person anymore. It'd be like having a prison boyfriend. I'd never. Ever ever.
So it makes me feel really strange that he still has so many feelings for me. He would be with me were the situation right and we were both single. But I wouldn't... I won't do long distance anymore. And I wouldn't move to NJ to be with him, not with my kids. And I'd never move far from them. Nor would I even ask anyone to move to minnesota for me. Because lets face it, it sucks. So even if I weren't stupid in love and intending to spend my life with someone despite all the arguments and all the thinking about leaving I do when I'm angry. (that's just who I am. When I'm scared I try to take flight. I'm not a fighter.) I just don't know WHY he feels so attached and interested still.
I love rasean. I always will he's been my best friend and more for so long that it's just natural to talk to him about ANYTHING, he knows the worst about me. He's been through my tantrums. He's been through my bullcrap. He's been through everything I can throw at someone. And he still likes me. Which I really appreciate but fail to understand because I wouldn't put up with so much from me. Seriously. I have thrown people away for less craziness then I myself have experienced over my life since I've met him. His ability to persevere is amazing to me. Ad despite being a judgmental jerk and throwing people away for far smaller things, he keeps me around and still cares. He has never made me feel neglected, or ignored. I have had issues with his availability before but only out of desperation and I realize now that it was unfair of me to be upset, when I broke up with him for the same reason. So we have gotten past being upset at one another when real life intrudes but still come back to caring.
I forget where I was going with this except that I don't understand how the people I dated, ad hurt in the end, still care so much about me. To the point of wanting to be with me again if they could. Cause despite trying to be a good girlfriend and feeling like I'm pretty, I still don't have much self worth or self esteem and don't find myself very appealing physically or as a partner. I think it takes a really strong man to put up with me and most of them can't hack it.
It is the first time Ifound some one Look Like Your thinking & Feeling but I understand you & Iknow How You can Help Your self You just Need More Hope More Dreams More Love & More Optimistic
Ihope You Sweet dreams