I have this issue of disconnecting myself from people I care about or love and then finding myself feeling entirely alone even though it's both my own doing and very much in my head. I feel very often as if I have no friends. I have people I call my friends, but I don't really talk to them or relate to them all that much. There are others I call my friends that I can't confide in. There are friends I have that I haven't spoken to for months at a time and yet still feel closer to them then some of the others I do see more frequently.
I heard some Korn on the radio the other day. And it seems like such a strange thing to get all nostalgic about an everything but I couldn't help it. It made me think of sleeping in shannons water bed in highschool. Which, of course, lead to me missing her like crazy. She moved about twelve hours away, because she couldn't get into grad school and her boyfriend found a really good job. I was pregnant at the time and I haven't heard from her since. I know she was trying to conceive at the time too or they were discussing it. I'd really like to know how that went or if they scrapped the idea or what. I really miss her. A lot.
I have been messaging and infrequently phone conversating with another old friend of mine. She is the only person I am comfortable with on the phone lately. I hate to talk on the phone. But I really enjoy getting to talk to her. I forget I'm on the phone almost. It's nice.
which leads me to another problem I have. I tend to let my boyfriend too heavily dictate my day. He doesn't like this old friend that I've been talking to and so I have yet to hang out with her again even though I miss her, and she's been asking me to come over a lot. If my momh ad already moved I'd just invite her over here, we could chill and she could get more acquainted with my daughter and I could cook or something. It'd be fun. But I am social phobic and my boyfriend don't wanna go there, so I don't go. And I feel like a bad friend for it.
But no matter how I look at it, I still feel, as if I have two friends. And I'm not even sure the female of the two would even consider me her friend. And the male of the two....is a sucky friend for the most part. (Be mad at me if you want I have TOLD him this, and we have discussed it. And being that no behaviors have changed I maintain my opinion on the suckiness of his friendship. But I can't help but love the retard anyways.) I have others, but they're more like family. Like my sister in law, or my brothers ex girlfriend, or my cousins who ARE family, or those two old friends that I don't talk to much. They're still my friends. But mostly. I feel alone. Like I have no one. Because I can't confide in any of these people, safely, comfortably. so... Yeah. I donno where I was going with that. And I'm pretty sure only one person reads this anyways.