I'm a freak. (pt 1)
And I feel like a baby machine or something. I did after all spend two years pregnant. With like a three month break where I got real drunk lol.
I'm glad in some aspects not to be pregnant. I can tell you I don't miss being hungry ALL the time as opposed to the lack of appetite I normally have. ( I eat because I like and am obsessed with food. Not because I'm hungry, well almost never anyways. I rarely have an appetite.) I don't miss having to rush to the bathroom every five minutes. I don't miss loosing sleep for no reasons or the inability to get comfortable.
But I really miss being pregnant. I felt useful. I felt all kinds of love and fuzzies. I felt happier then I've ever felt in my life. I knew someone needed me. I knew I was doing something amazing and good. I miss the kicks and wiggles in my tummy. I miss Jeremy rubbing and talking to my belly. He babied me so good. I miss how satisfying food was sometimes. I miss the ultrasounds. I miss wondering what my new little one was going to look and BE like. What we'd name them. Packing bags for the hospital.
I also really miss the hospital. Especially maple grove. That hospital was amazing. Beautiful, not sterile feeling like most. Warm and welcoming. It had beautiful hard wood floors and warm colors throughout. None of that blaring white tile and neon lighting. The staff was amazing and they took great care of me. The food was good too. And they gave me drugs. Percoset is my favorite narcotic. Both for actual needed use and for recreation. That mess makes me feel good. I'm not going to pretend I didn't take the last of my bottle for fun. Because I did. It makes me talkative and friendly and loving. It makes me forget all my negative thoughts and lets me just be as I am. And it helped me sleep a lot. Unhealthy yes. But not a problem. As I haven't sought them out and done them more then I was prescribed. And I did have tooth pain when I took them for fun. I have a wisdom tooth that doesn't fit in my head and is giving me a lot of pain. I need to figure out what to do with my girls when they take it out. I'm nervous and scared and my appointment is coming up super fast. Next wed. in fact.
I really should have thought about that before I made it out by my mom and dads houses. WAit...no it doesn't matter. MY mom will be picking us up on wed to get checks and then I can go to my dads or something till it's time to go to my seven oclock appointment. Yay smile center. I'm nervous. But I have to do it. I Can't take the pain from this stupid tooth anymore. And for some reason that just made me really really crave ice.
Anyways. I'm disappointed today because I want to go to the state fair. We will maybe go next weekend but we're supposed to go to the cabin with my mom my sister their families and my grandma. I haven't even talked to Jeremy about it yet. The reason I'm disappointed I can't go today though is boys II men. Man. I love them. and they're playing a FREE show at the state fair. And I can't go. No monies till next weeks pay day. That really effing blows. Stupid money makes me so upset sometimes. I really just want to live comfortably. I need to go back to school to do this or my mom needs to open that daycare she's been talking about for a few days. She makes these tentative plans and goals. Like....moving to alaska and stuff like that. She's always done this during my life. Things she wants to do and takes the first few steps to. Just enough to scare me into believing she might actually do some of them (like moving to alaska that crap was scary! I hate the cold and that's WAY colder then minnesota.) Anyways I really like this idea. Granted there are two in home daycares in our neighborhood. I already have one little boy I think would come. And when I start school I should qualify for daycare assistance and then we could get paid for my kids going there too. I'd have an income and an easier time going to school then. It'd be great. So yeah. I hope she follows through with this one but doubt she will.
I have to decide eventually what I want to go to college for. I won't have to make up my mind right away because I know I will have to take algebra or something pre-college math. Because my math skills suck balls. But everything else should be up to par. I think MAYBE my english class skills will be good enough to test out of the pre requisite class for all the career courses I have looked at. I have decided either I'm doing : Graphic design, Computer forensics, urban teacher, or culinary. I have almost talked myself out of culinary though because I saw a news story about it being one of the lowest paying degrees in the country. Which is fine.... I don't mind that. But I do mind going to college earning a degree and ending up working in an effing Ihop or something like that. Not me no way. So teaching is looking better and better. I wouldn't even feel a need to be a full time teacher...maybe I could be a sub, or teach summer school or something along those lines. And computer forensics just seems so interesting. I think I'd like that. And graphic design is one of my favorite things about computers as it is now. I just....am lacking in skill and ability to draw. Which is why I shy away from that. But maybe I could learn. I donno what do you all think?
Wow... I think this turned into the longest journal entry I've written here in a long time. I have a 30 day meme I'm working on in my other journal and have been avoiding my entry for today because it's to be about my most recent ex. And being that things about our friendship ending are still fresh I didn't want to tackle it. Because I don't want to remember the good parts and I don't want to remember the truely bad parts. The parts where I cried by myself while he slept. The parts where I was sure he was doing me dirty, lying to me or even cheating on me. Where I thought our relationship was a big cruel joke to him. All the insecurity he instilled in me when I was just building a sense of self and a piece of confidence in my appearance I've never had before. I feel like so much was stunted because of that period of time that I'm glad I walked past it made amends and have grown since. I cherish my growth as a woman and I look forward to fixing the rest of my problems and myself and moving on with life.
I want to function. Seriously. My mental illnesses have stopped me so long from doing so much that it's shameful. And I am very very ashamed. Both of the person I used to be and the things that I allow to hold me back now. I know rationally I'm the only one who can control my anxiety and insecurity and that no one else can MAKE me feel anything. But I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so affected by everything everyone I Care about does. I feel...like a tidal wave. EVERY emotion is a new tsunami. Every let down a new earth shattering eath quake. Everything is big and brand new every time. And if it's built on and added to past pain it's like the world ending every time. So many people don't understand. It's so hard to feel this way. They don't understand because I know it's not normal and as a defence.... I hide. I seem callous and uncaring sometimes when I'm upset and hurting too much. I shut down and close people out. I put up that cancer hard shell. And I do it too well. (To be continued, because I guess I wrote way too dang much.)