I'm a freak (pt 2)
I think I scared Jeremy yesterday. We had this huge argument. And when he started telling me how I feel about things that were super far from the truth. I just shut down. I couldn't believe he thought thoset things about me. So I just told him he was right. I just told him ok. Well it doesn't matter you said we're done. So none of this matters. And then he sat down next to me. Looked me in my eyes and said "I want to know just one last thing before this is over once and for all... What did I do -right-....what made you -happy- about this relationship" I laughed at him coldly and stared him in his eyes and told him "No. I won't tell you" and he told me because I never see them never feel them never acknowledge them. THat I only see and feel and experience the bad things so that I can hold onto them for ammunition later. THat I never saw the things he did right. And that's not true. I told him it's not true. I told him that I wouldn't tell him because it hurts too much. That if this is over, I will only allow myself the bad. That I will only see the bad because remembering the good makes it hurt too bad. Makes me long and wonder and want. The good makes me sad after it's over. I know I'm negative and I dwell on bad things. But I DO see the good. I do appreciate all the things he does for me and has done for me. I appreciate that he kills my anxiety practically dead just by being there. I adore the way he looks at me. Especially when he wants me. I LOVE the way he loves me. I love the way he desires me. It feels SO good to be desired and not neglected. He makes my body light on fire. He makes my soul take notice. And he brings my mind to attention. I may not love everything about him. I may want to leave him sometimes. But after our big falling out over the craigs list thing I made it a promise to myself that I will view breaking up as a last resort, not an option. It's not something I can just take lightly anyways. It means a new living situation for me and the girls. It means the girls not seeing their dad at absolutely every opportunity possible. It means me being alone at night when they go to bed. It means me being alone a lot in fact. It means no sex. For a long time. Because I won't bring anyone into my kids life that I'm not sure of. I have heard too many horror stories. I know too many child molesters. I know too many victimized little girls hurt by their mothers boyfriend or soemtimes their girlfriend. I won't do that to my girls I will keep them from that kind of pain as vigilantly as I am able to. Not to mention I don't want them to attach to someone who will not remain in their lives. I don't want them to have the pain of loss like that either, feeling like they're not good enough or anything like that just because some asshole ain't stick around. No... I'd be single for a long time. But not happy about it. I do terribly alone. So hopefully I won't have to for a long time. I don't know what resolved our argument. Something clicked in his head. I saw it while I was watching him think. And he asked me if arguments like that always start in the morning. Came to the conclusion that they do on his own. And asked to talk to me away from the girls. So I wiped my eyes, steeling myself up. Bracing myself for the storm I was sure was coming, that it was really truely over. When we got in the bedroom he pushed me against the door and kissed me. He told me he was sorry. He didn't want to talk to me about things in the morning. Because it always turned into a crap argument like this one. That he doesn't want to hurt me and say things he doesn't mean. That he loves me more then anything (our girls excluded. That's an unspoken exception between us. That we both used to point out lol. They come first. For both of us. Before both of us.) And that he is sorry. That was the first time I got an unprompted apology from him. The first time I wasn't hysterical and crying and breaking apart before he apologized. It was beautiful...and it made me cry. It made up for the apology I didn't get when we fought about craigs list. It mdae up for a number of mistakes he's made recently. And usually...apologies, his and anyone elses, just make me sick. They're such a cop out "oh I'm sorry. You have to forget now or your unfair and your the wrong one" that's how they always feel to me. But this one was different. This one was from his heart, I felt it in my soul.
Anyways this rambled on even longer then I meant it too and I pointed that out once already so I'm done for now. If you read that....congratulations. Lol
Oh and since I KNOW you probably read this. I <3 you Peach. More then I could ever express. I'm grateful you gave me another chance to be your friend. This time without me being jealous and resentful that you couldn't love me the way I loved you way back when. And without me being a crappy butt head and helping some guy break your heart. I value you differently and I think more then any of my other friends. Because I know I didn't deserve the second chance when I asked for it. I just hope I deserve it now. :)