I already didn't want to go up to the cabin this weekend. Because there are two beds and there will be nine people. And that's if Jeremy and my sister don't go. But then I found out my sister IS going. And I still donno if Jeremy is going but that is eight people to two beds. Which means I'm sleeping on the floor or hearing bitching. I don't want to go really bad now.
Jeremy don' get paid till friday and there are things we need to do when we finally have some money. I wanted to go to the state fair or the farmers market. And now I hear Jeremy's lil sister is having her bday celebration on sunday which means I can't go to that either and I miss out on indian tacos. And that Jeremy is likely not going. Which makes my family tolerable to me.
I donno. I'm starting to have anxiety thinking about it... ugh. I hate my life sometimes but I'm trying really hard to make it into something I don't hate. I like my apartment, that's a plu. My kids are a plus. An even though it's turbulent my relationship is a plus. We both need to work on some things but we're still pretty amazing together. I have confidence that he will support me getting on my feet and help me get a foothold and keep in line for college. I'm hoping anyways. And I'm hoping having a goal and something I'm working toward will make me feel LESS worthless and hopeless. In the past I've sought others to make me feel worthwhile. Because that's how I judge value. Because no one cares what I think I don't even most of the time. And that's the problem. What worth is there if -I- see none? There isn't. So I gotta fix it. I gotta be proud of myself. I gotta love myself.
You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!