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Thread: Random thought vomit.

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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Random thought vomit.

    I wonder if Flo Rida, intentionally named himself florida. Yanno, like the state?

    I'm deeply annoyed and disgusted with SO many people in such a vague and apathetic way that it's disgusting me with myself. I wish I could make myself care about people's crappy decisions, because I really do care about said people. But most of the time I simply find myself rolling my eyes at them for the same reason I've rolled my eyes and sighed out of exasperation at them over and over again.

    I grow tired of myself more and more every day.

    Death, makes people selfish and fake. I experienced it when my grandpa died, and I watched other families play the same exact "I love you man" game over the last few years with the funerals I've been to. The MOST GENUINE funeral, family sentiment included, I've been to lately, was Burnadettes. It was the saddest I've been for another family in a long time. You could tell they weren't just going through the motions, that even the church felt that mess. That they were all torn by her loss. Not just putting on an act. Or not just mourning for themselves. But really, that's what funerals are for. The dead wouldn't want us to congregate and be horribly unhappy together. They would want us to heal one another tot ake care of each other and make sure their job was done now that they can't do it themselves.

    My grandma is really close to selling the lake cabin. I'm really close to never speaking to her again for selling the only piece of my childhood that is still in tact. Although in a very different look.

    Everything changes. So much. And I wish it wouldn't.

    I.... am a cutter.
    Not an emo, teenaged, I want attention, look at me I bleed for __"insert crappy reason here"___ cutter.
    I am a twenty-four year old woman suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder, who cuts when she looses control.
    And I scare the hell out of myself.

    I think about being dead.
    Every day. No not about suicide. But death, no longer continuing. Being gone.
    It's terrifying, but it sounds so relieving.

    I wish people didn't disgust me so much, it makes me feel hopeless.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  2. #2
    Slam Dunk Da Funk Soshi Kitai is making a name for themselves Soshi Kitai is making a name for themselves Soshi Kitai's Avatar
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    Re: Random thought vomit.

    Most people are "disgusting" due to their lack of knowledge on several fields... especially on the "WHY" of morality.

    However, those topics are much to complicated for them - so they resort to following a set culture that seems much simpler to follow. And they get benefits from it as well as long as they follow those rules.
    Many of those rules can be considered... ill-advised in a truly moral-world.

    Ignorance is Bliss is what many say and follow.

    And many would expect of you to follow the same - as it would rid a good amount of that depression. It's a sort of medicine that's child-like while claiming to be an adult - carelessness for the sake of the joy of apathy.

    But know that not all think this way, and many of them can never be noticed because they have an air of surety that looks a lot alike the ignorance of the large populace. They have a confidence that they know that even if hell came to earth, they can at least try to live comfortably. Optimistic in many people's eyes, but normal in their own.

    And as much as you say you don't care for people's decisions, you care enough to be annoyed by it. And that should never be seen as apathy, because it encourages a disdain for others and yourself if seen as such.

    Death in itself is intriguing, and it shouldn't be seen as a negative. The more death is seen in a negative light, the more one fears it. The more one craves death, the higher chance that they will die with a desperation to live. Death seems like an end to the useless cycle that we humans place ourselves in, but a better choice is to step outside of the cycle you made for yourself.

    Death is necessary, and it's good to rest one's soul, but it should never be wanted until one feels like they've finished their life. If one feels like their life has been of no use, then the better option is for them to find a use. If you find that people are your bane, then separate yourself from them and do things for yourself. If you find that yourself is the threat, then separate yourself from yourself - either think anew or find someone to care for. If both are the disease, then take a break from everything and really reflect what you're doing here.

    Do not ask yourself personal questions...
    Despite that those personal questions made you who you are, they are also the things chaining you down and blinding you from everything else.

    Who you are now means nothing, who you are forever means everything. Take away the past and memories, and what you have left are the innate emotions and curiosities - with a mix of instinct, understand those feelings with all your soul before moving to tackle the problems that hassle your life now.

    In a sense, depression shows a craving for something that isn't there.
    Perhaps that something is someone. Perhaps it's a moment. Maybe it is there, but you can't see it with your eyes clouded.

    What is it that you wish was there?

    Depression is, in many ways, a selfish thing. Should it be seen as a weakness? No. It is one, but it shouldn't be seen as one. The attention given to it is what feeds it and makes it stronger.
    Often times, a break from the normal rounds of your life to do something you wouldn't do normally - makes you forget it. At those times you forget it, you can almost see the sky clearly.

    But when something brings it back, it feels like you were fooled in those moments of light.
    ...but the truth is, only the fool can fool itself.

    It's addicting, that depression. It's hard to imagine life without it. You don't leech onto it like a broken teen with hardly a real sense of what life is, you'd like to think you're more mature than that - and you most likely are. But many times, it's a sign that something needs to change.

    Change is a scary thing, especially when pains of the emotion run rampant. However, the changes that hurt often hurt because you did not change with it - it feels like you were left behind, or perhaps that you stayed behind while the groups marched further into ignorance.
    Or perhaps the latter thought was created to make yourself feel better.

    When one does not change with reality, they feel stranded... protecting their memories and ideals as if the last knight of an ancient kingdom.

    As much as they feel like it, no one asks you to drop those things and move with them. They only ask that you walk.
    You can still hold them and cherish them, and use them to judge the present and future - but move forward, otherwise you'll just be left further behind into yourself.

    ...and the longer you're stuck with yourself, the more you hate yourself for doing it... and the more you realize: You aren't very good company.



    I don't want to sound preachy. I just know what it feels like to go through depression. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I feel for you. Not pity, just feel. Hope you get better.

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    Re: Random thought vomit.

    Yeah.... *looks up... What he said, I second everything.
    ... Not Ever Again...

  4. #4
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    Re: Random thought vomit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Soshi Kitai View Post
    Ignorance is Bliss is what many say and follow.

    And many would expect of you to follow the same - as it would rid a good amount of that depression. It's a sort of medicine that's child-like while claiming to be an adult - carelessness for the sake of the joy of apathy.
    That is something I have definately always SEEN to be true, I may sound arrogant but I pride myself on being at least well learned if not intelligent in the first place. And I noticed a LONG time ago that those less informed seemed MUCH happier with their lot in life, but then I figured I was only making excuses for feeling sorry for myself.
    I often have wondered if I was "dumber" or something, if I'd be happier, if I just followed along and did things the "way I am supposed to" it would come to me and I'd be like them. Ignorant maybe, but happy at least. And no matter how hard I fake the funk I can't function like the rest of society. I wish to DEATH that I could. But I can't.

    Quote Originally Posted by Soshi Kitai View Post
    And as much as you say you don't care for people's decisions, you care enough to be annoyed by it. And that should never be seen as apathy, because it encourages a disdain for others and yourself if seen as such.
    See.... I know I care... Or I wouldn't be bothered or bat a lash at it. But at the same time these are people I know I care about, even love. However their actions create such a torn feeling in me. I am so -disgusted- and annoyed by certain behaviors that I began to feel disdainful towards them, and myself for associating with them. Because they are NOT the type of people I would like to be, or would like to think I AM even though I don't like where/who I am at the moment. And that takes a lot. I am a very patient person, I take a lot of crap, I watch people give a lot of crap, and never let peoples behavior towards OTHERS affect my opinion of them, but there are things I'm finding myself unable to ignore these days in other people. And a combo of all these things makes me feel like a fickle wishy washy idiot.

    Quote Originally Posted by Soshi Kitai View Post
    Death in itself is intriguing, and it shouldn't be seen as a negative. The more death is seen in a negative light, the more one fears it. The more one craves death, the higher chance that they will die with a desperation to live. Death seems like an end to the useless cycle that we humans place ourselves in, but a better choice is to step outside of the cycle you made for yourself.
    Death is necessary, and it's good to rest one's soul, but it should never be wanted until one feels like they've finished their life. If one feels like their life has been of no use, then the better option is for them to find a use. If you find that people are your bane, then separate yourself from them and do things for yourself. If you find that yourself is the threat, then separate yourself from yourself - either think anew or find someone to care for. If both are the disease, then take a break from everything and really reflect what you're doing here.
    I don't look at death negatively. I think death can be a good tihng. Just merely depends on the situation and such. While I miss him with all my soul and wish I could just have one more hug sometimes... I know my grandpa's death was a good thing really. He was miserable and he wanted to die, he no longer WANTED to be here. He was heart broken and old and in pain physically and emotionally.
    If I could find a "use" that made me not think about death I'd be ecstatic. I'm a -mother- and still convinced my child would be better off without my depressed self looming around. "Use" requires talents, of which I am very limited. I can't....be without people. I can't raise my daughter alone, I can't function in society well enough to keep a job let alone find one, so theres no way I could support her financially alone, and emotionally I'm not stable enough to be alone either. I'm sure that -I- am the problem, as it's my life, and I am the only one with any sort of control over it. But it's not that easy to just change how you think. I try. It works for a little while from time to time but my old thoughts and processes come back and bite me in the rear. When I think on what I'm doing here.... I draw a blank and return to just wishing it was over.



    Quote Originally Posted by Soshi Kitai View Post

    It's addicting, that depression. It's hard to imagine life without it. You don't leech onto it like a broken teen with hardly a real sense of what life is, you'd like to think you're more mature than that - and you most likely are. But many times, it's a sign that something needs to change.
    I know...that change, has to occur in order for my depression to change lessen or even be gone. Finding a necessary change however is the root of the problem. I have changed many things in my life. And I always end up just as if not more depressed as before. I try very hard to change more, or other things but I can't seem to find a combination that makes it so I don't think about dying on a consistent basis. Not all issues are as easy as just changing. And I'm not even sure that just change would help much. Considering I was diagnosed with not only bipolar disorder but chemical depression as well, I may not be -able- to feel not depressed unless I pop a pill every day. And that medication makes me feel like more of a failure on TOP of feeling funny from the medication it's self. (I've tried a number)

    Quote Originally Posted by Soshi Kitai View Post
    As much as they feel like it, no one asks you to drop those things and move with them. They only ask that you walk.
    You can still hold them and cherish them, and use them to judge the present and future - but move forward, otherwise you'll just be left further behind into yourself.

    ...and the longer you're stuck with yourself, the more you hate yourself for doing it... and the more you realize: You aren't very good company.
    I can't let things go. I have a very hard time with that, people, items, emotions. (I would say memories but that's not true, I find that I can not remember a number of instances in my life any more which also worries me about my mental health.)
    I don't know how to move forward and I've been stuck with myself for a very long time. I've been an anxiety ridden adult, teenager, and child, as far back as I can remember. I don't know how to get moving anymore. Because alllll the changes I can think to impose, are also seemingly impossible for me because of various anxietys or inabilities. I know I shouldn't let my anxiety control my life. But that is so much easier said then done. When you can't go to your job without bawling for hours before, and having anxiety attack after anxiety attack the day before in preparation so that you get no sleep before you get up and cry, makes preforming your job next to impossible physically and emotionally it makes it even harder.
    In the end it all comes back to my anxiety, depression, or lack of trust/interest in others as a whole. And I don't know how to change those things in a realistic and responsible way. So I grow frustrated and tired of myself and Just wish it was over. I feel I have nothing to contribute (well, at the moment that's not entirely true, I'm carrying a child, which means I have plenty to contribute for the next three months.). I feel like I have no usefulness. I feel like the things I did have, the things I enjoyed and the things I was good at (I used to write, I used to love to read, I used to enjoy cooking for my family and friends, I used to enjoy taking care of kids and such.) has become a chore, or lost. My creativity is gone. I've had writers block for years. I am no good with kids anymore because I'm too tired to be patient and understanding like I used to be, and I find I hate other peoples kids most of the time. I find it extremely hard to enjoy much of anything anymore,period. That is something I really don't know how to change.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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