Most people are "disgusting" due to their lack of knowledge on several fields... especially on the "WHY" of morality.
However, those topics are much to complicated for them - so they resort to following a set culture that seems much simpler to follow. And they get benefits from it as well as long as they follow those rules.
Many of those rules can be considered... ill-advised in a truly moral-world.
Ignorance is Bliss is what many say and follow.
And many would expect of you to follow the same - as it would rid a good amount of that depression. It's a sort of medicine that's child-like while claiming to be an adult - carelessness for the sake of the joy of apathy.
But know that not all think this way, and many of them can never be noticed because they have an air of surety that looks a lot alike the ignorance of the large populace. They have a confidence that they know that even if hell came to earth, they can at least try to live comfortably. Optimistic in many people's eyes, but normal in their own.
And as much as you say you don't care for people's decisions, you care enough to be annoyed by it. And that should never be seen as apathy, because it encourages a disdain for others and yourself if seen as such.
Death in itself is intriguing, and it shouldn't be seen as a negative. The more death is seen in a negative light, the more one fears it. The more one craves death, the higher chance that they will die with a desperation to live. Death seems like an end to the useless cycle that we humans place ourselves in, but a better choice is to step outside of the cycle you made for yourself.
Death is necessary, and it's good to rest one's soul, but it should never be wanted until one feels like they've finished their life. If one feels like their life has been of no use, then the better option is for them to find a use. If you find that people are your bane, then separate yourself from them and do things for yourself. If you find that yourself is the threat, then separate yourself from yourself - either think anew or find someone to care for. If both are the disease, then take a break from everything and really reflect what you're doing here.
Do not ask yourself personal questions...
Despite that those personal questions made you who you are, they are also the things chaining you down and blinding you from everything else.
Who you are now means nothing, who you are forever means everything. Take away the past and memories, and what you have left are the innate emotions and curiosities - with a mix of instinct, understand those feelings with all your soul before moving to tackle the problems that hassle your life now.
In a sense, depression shows a craving for something that isn't there.
Perhaps that something is someone. Perhaps it's a moment. Maybe it is there, but you can't see it with your eyes clouded.
What is it that you wish was there?
Depression is, in many ways, a selfish thing. Should it be seen as a weakness? No. It is one, but it shouldn't be seen as one. The attention given to it is what feeds it and makes it stronger.
Often times, a break from the normal rounds of your life to do something you wouldn't do normally - makes you forget it. At those times you forget it, you can almost see the sky clearly.
But when something brings it back, it feels like you were fooled in those moments of light.
...but the truth is, only the fool can fool itself.
It's addicting, that depression. It's hard to imagine life without it. You don't leech onto it like a broken teen with hardly a real sense of what life is, you'd like to think you're more mature than that - and you most likely are. But many times, it's a sign that something needs to change.
Change is a scary thing, especially when pains of the emotion run rampant. However, the changes that hurt often hurt because you did not change with it - it feels like you were left behind, or perhaps that you stayed behind while the groups marched further into ignorance.
Or perhaps the latter thought was created to make yourself feel better.
When one does not change with reality, they feel stranded... protecting their memories and ideals as if the last knight of an ancient kingdom.
As much as they feel like it, no one asks you to drop those things and move with them. They only ask that you walk.
You can still hold them and cherish them, and use them to judge the present and future - but move forward, otherwise you'll just be left further behind into yourself.
...and the longer you're stuck with yourself, the more you hate yourself for doing it... and the more you realize: You aren't very good company.
I don't want to sound preachy. I just know what it feels like to go through depression. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I feel for you. Not pity, just feel. Hope you get better.