Where the heck did august go? I lost it. It's the twenty ninenth and I swear I just made my dental apt for the first thinking that it was going to take soooooooo long to get here. And now, it's almost here and I didn't even realize.
I was just saying how bad I wanted it to be state fair time and it seemed so far away. And it started last week. Hopefully I will get to go this year. I went last year for a little but it'd be nice to take the kids. I think we're going with the bd's cousin and her daughter so that should be fun.
I wish that I could get things in order so I could invite her and the little one over some time. I just feel like nothings right in this house, in my life. I feel like the more I try to fix it the worse it gets. I must be making the wrong decisions but I don't know what the right ones are because these seem like my only options.
I've been staying home more often, which is nice. But I'm worried cus I already don't like to leave but I don't like to be here either. I'm worried I really will push everyone away and be a hermit all alone. Jeremy would like it but that's because he's jealous or something of everyone who gets to spend time with me. But even he thinks I'm unplesant. That's ok, so do I. But I Still like me sometimes. I'm starting to more and more it's just that I can't seem to get the things done that I know need to be done. I really need to be able to drive again and I know I wouldn't feel so hopeless cus I could get some things done by myself.
I talked to my future study buddy and am looking forward to getting this school business underway. But I'm scared too. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared I'll be too stupid. I'm scared I'm too old and I've lost too much of my brain to b12 deficiency.
Speaking of memory problems....they're looking into using pot and canibanoids for treating brain diseases. Like Alzheimers.
I'm really struggling with my grandpa being gone again lately. I donno why but I am. I miss him so much sometimes all I can do is cry. I hate crying but for him it doesn't feel like the other hopelessly sad crying I do. I know he would want me to be happy and to pull my mess together and get things in order. That's part of why I so badly want to get things in order. The other part is my kids. They deserve better then a mom who's sad all the time or scared all the time. Who's only happiness in life is them. That's sad. That's how people become satellite or helicopter parents. And I think those people are not only batty but really annoying too. Our children aren't extensions of ourselves. They are themselves. THeir own person.
I think I'll go kill some zombies. It makes me feel better and my girls are sleeping again.
You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!