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Thread: Rethink Forgiveness!!!!

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    Re: Rethink Forgiveness!!!!

    I do not hold grudges against anyone, for anything. No matter how vile. I don't have to make peace, but I can simply have nothing more to do with that person, and do not have to actually harbor ill will toward them. Nothing comes of dwelling on things that infuriate or otherwise disrupt you. Giving them thought, is admitting that they are even worth your time to begin with. Grudges are childish, don't we all have lives we have to live, and do they not require our full concentration? Put it behind you.

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    Re: Rethink Forgiveness!!!!

    Buddhism teaches that we should practice kindness, mercy and forgiveness. Me not being a Zen master, I find it hard to do on occasion--depending on the situation.

    Example: I found myself stuck in a situation that I like to think as one of my darker hours. My cousin got me jumped over somethin' I had nothin' to do with. Now, the only reason my cousin got me in to it was because he was tryin' to be cool in front of his retarded gang-bangin' friends. So, I found myself with 16 stitches in my lip and an astronomically large hospital bill because of him. I could've died, according to a few friends who were there (I almost fell of a balcony during the attack). Not to mention that I don't remember most of the incident, due to blacking out. I lost a 15-30 mins of my life that day.

    That happened before I got serious about trying to live in peace and practice constant kindness to others, so I was LIVID! My dad, who practically raised my cousin, and I were talkin' about it a few years back and I told him that I would kill my cousin if I seen him. Dad tried to talk me out of it and all I could say in reply was, "Family doesn't set up family for danger/failure!" I had to stay away from family gatherings for two/three years because I was serious about revenge! It was all I could think of for a while.

    A couple years go by after my darkest hour and I go to my uncle's b-day party. Guess who's there? Yup, the bastard who could've got me killed. He spent the entire night sayin' sh*t like, "I love you fam!" or, "Are you mad at me, dawg?" I had spent so much time thinking of revenge up until that point. So, instead of ignoring him (which I had for two hours that night), I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him I don't like him. I told him I can't trust him. I also told him I wanted revenge--that I wanted that 30 mins back... But I had changed over those few years and I knew that karma would get to him, so I never made a scene about it; karma got to him anyway. Apparently, he felt guilty about what happened and tried to confront his friends about it. They slit his throat and he was hospitalized. So, me being upset was for naught.

    He's my family, I can't hurt him--even if I wanted to. I can't trust him at the same time and for some reason, I can't learn to forgive him. I don't think I want to though, but that's me clinging to an emotion, which is against Zen teachings. Maybe one day, I'll forgive him. But, I can't do it today or any other day in the near future. Family doesn't get family in to that kind of trouble.


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    Re: Rethink Forgiveness!!!!

    I've been meaning to post in this topic for a while, but due to everyone being all "ZOMG! FLOWERS AND RAINBOWS!" about it - I decided it was best if I didn't even touch it.
    But thanks to Mr. K's rather hard and heavy tackle on the topic which was more than just opposing what others have said, I think I can finally post here.


    ______________________________________

    I don't doubt what the article says at all - but at the same time, it really depends on how the person reacts to things in their life.
    Most criminals and guilty people usually have led the same route of life in one form or another - so their reaction being similar isn't too surprising.


    - - - -

    However, I've never really reacted to forgiveness.
    Not saying I don't appreciate it, not saying there's no comfort to it, but in all honesty - I find apologizing much more affecting.

    Thing is - I don't really forgive and forget.
    I can forgive you for your present action, but that doesn't mean I'm not keeping it to note.
    In a sense, I never really forgive people.

    To this day, I remember most of the things people have done against me.
    I remember the good, I remember the bad, I remember it all.
    They call it "holding a grudge", but I think that phrase has just grown into a negative sense due to how people react nowadays.

    - - - -

    The thing is, most people want to be forgiven.
    For some, they can't change or move forward unless they're forgiven. By others and themselves.

    But for most others, they just want to be forgiven so that there's no hard feelings.
    ... and that's where I draw the line.

    You see, at least the prior people are trying to be a better person. TRYING.
    The latter people often never become a better person. They want to be forgiven so that the "edge goes away" and they can get back to whatever they were doing. Their apology wasn't as sincere as it should've been.
    You may think these people are awful and horrible, but there's a HUGE CHANCE you're just as guilty of that as they are.


    - - - -

    I don't forgive because people have shown me through my years in life that: Even if they become a "better person", they still have inspired many others to become worse. Being forgiven and moving on doesn't do crap - it just makes the guilty feel better about themselves. They should live with that guilt, in my opinion.
    Everyone should keep that burden on their backs. And if they were to die sad or angry, let it be.

    ...why? Because people need to learn. Wonder why that burden is still there? Not because you haven't forgiven yourself, it's because you haven't learned. You haven't redeemed yourself.
    Being forgiven is the easy way out, and you just become weaker and careless after being forgiven.

    - - - -

    I don't really believe in 2nd chances.
    There's enough people out there who believe in it, so I don't have to worry about being oppressing.
    Y'see, like many of you, I've gotten a 2nd chance.
    Did I deserve it? ....... that depends.
    Judging on my actions: No. Judging on my intention: Yes.

    And even after being given a 2nd chance, I still held the burden of those things I did. Forgiving myself would just be selfish and awful for my future outlook in life.
    I had to make things better.
    And so I did. I lived, I learned, and I did become a better person.

    In this fashion, my actions "forgave" me.

    The burden disappeared and I was able to think clearly. ...or, well, clear-er.


    But still, though I got a 2nd chance, I don't believe in giving others one.
    ...too many people get away with their actions because all of you keep giving them another chance to.

    You shouldn't even consider letting them breathe without them thinking about what was bad about what they did.
    ... a 2nd chance just let's them get one more try to do their crime.

    Change their mind, break them, then let them start anew.

    Don't give them a 2nd chance. Break them: and make them start a new chance.

    - - - -

    Don't ask for forgiveness, just apologize. Don't let someone's forgiveness stop you from TRULY changing yourself. Don't let someone's forgiveness make life easier for you. Life should be easier for you when you deserve it.

    You can ask for forgiveness on your death bed. Because at that point, there's not much you can do to redeem yourself.

    But as long as you live, you shouldn't be seeking forgiveness: You should be seeking a way to make things better.


    - - - - - - -

    Now here's the thing: What if someone wronged you? Should you forgive them?

    That depends, are you logically angry/sad at them?
    Did they do something that makes sense and you're just being irrational?
    You should only forgive them if what they did made sense or was just plain coincidental (/a mistake).

    Other than that, stay cool. Don't let it get to your head and you'll realize that you don't really need to forgive them since you were never really angry at them in the first place.

    If they didn't do anything wrong, they shouldn't be apologizing. And in that sense, you shouldn't really be forgiving.
    Unless they really can't stop feeling bad, then sure, throw them the bone of forgiveness.


    _____________________________

    Humans aren't perfect, but you shouldn't encourage them to become worse by "letting them go".
    We all should learn from our actions - not just forget them.
    Last edited by Soshi Kitai; Apr 09, 2009 at 10:08 AM.

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