Chuck Norris Facts (Humor)

Twitchy · Feb 02, 2006, 04:45 PM

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will f*** you up.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

If you think this is a long list, then check this site. Best site ever!

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the **** out of Segal. Norris then ****ed your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself

Chuck Norris doesnt read, he stares at the book until it gives him the information he wants.

Chuck Norris once kicked a midget in the ****** and then the midget morphed into Carrot Top.

Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.

Every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has lost all her teeth from the sheer impact of his beard.

In honor of Chuck Norris, the Oxford English Dictionary has recently made this addition:
"Chuck - Can be used in any context to mean anything"

Chuck Norris once fought the Internet. The result is lag.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Their was one fact that went something like "Chuck Norris once made a time machine and went back in time before the universe was created, upon arrival, god stepped out of the dark, startling him, Chuck responded with a round house kick, which we know as the big bang."

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

chuck norris is secretly a sith lord.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris’ belt buckle is rumored t be the source of his power. In fact, Chuck Norris was born with belt buckle and cowboy boats already on his ripped body.

150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.

It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.

the last person to survive a roundhouse kick by chuck norris was michael jackson. then he turned white

chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray

chuck norris once helped an old lady across the street. When a car did not stop, he roundhoused kicked it thus creating the first mini. When the old lady thanked him he roundhoused kicked her for good measure.

Chuck Norris once round house kicked his son for misbehaving. He hit him so hard it killed him. He brought him back to life with his powers and round house kicked him again for dying.

Jean Claude Van Damme Once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. Chuck Norris sent one of his eyelashes to roundhouse kick Jean into Orbit.

chuck norris doesn’t use a phone. He just screems out the window till he gets who/what he wants.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Thats all the jokes I got right now but more will be coming. So what do you think of them?

Miroku4444 · Feb 02, 2006, 06:25 PM

Wtf, Im not reading all that. I think ive see all this b4 somewhere. EAO, i think?

*Rave_Grip* · Feb 03, 2006, 01:05 AM

<_< Not funny enough >_<

Patrick Chan · Feb 03, 2006, 02:31 AM

duh...

Twitchy · Feb 03, 2006, 08:49 AM

God you guys just dont get them do you

*Mazer* · Feb 03, 2006, 10:54 AM

chuck norris doesnt teabag...he potato bags

Mazer

Twitchy · Feb 03, 2006, 05:28 PM

hehe good one

*Soshi Kitai* · Feb 03, 2006, 05:38 PM

........... THAT... IS... funny...
>u<

... Abu Dhabi is currently laughing her ass off...

^_^ Thank you for a happy day.

SasuraiHell · Feb 03, 2006, 05:45 PM

lol no one else find the all american, man's man chuck to be funny, i just think itss cheesly funny , and way here's some you've already herd.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

f you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Twitchy · Feb 03, 2006, 07:12 PM

Hehe those are some good ones Hell dude

Chubz · Feb 03, 2006, 07:22 PM

lol!! my friend was telling me a couple of these the other day...they are funny in a cheesy way...my favourite was:

"Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement."

Feb 02, 2006, 04:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
Twitchy Commissar Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: At Hughes grave Posts: 664 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 220	Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will f* you up. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. If you think this is a long list, then check this site. Best site ever! A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the out of Segal. Norris then ed your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself Chuck Norris doesnt read, he stares at the book until it gives him the information he wants. Chuck Norris once kicked a midget in the **** and then the midget morphed into Carrot Top. Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar. Every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has lost all her teeth from the sheer impact of his beard. In honor of Chuck Norris, the Oxford English Dictionary has recently made this addition: "Chuck - Can be used in any context to mean anything" Chuck Norris once fought the Internet. The result is lag. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. Their was one fact that went something like "Chuck Norris once made a time machine and went back in time before the universe was created, upon arrival, god stepped out of the dark, startling him, Chuck responded with a round house kick, which we know as the big bang." If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. chuck norris is secretly a sith lord. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris’ belt buckle is rumored t be the source of his power. In fact, Chuck Norris was born with belt buckle and cowboy boats already on his ripped body. 150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year. It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris. the last person to survive a roundhouse kick by chuck norris was michael jackson. then he turned white chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray chuck norris once helped an old lady across the street. When a car did not stop, he roundhoused kicked it thus creating the first mini. When the old lady thanked him he roundhoused kicked her for good measure. Chuck Norris once round house kicked his son for misbehaving. He hit him so hard it killed him. He brought him back to life with his powers and round house kicked him again for dying. Jean Claude Van Damme Once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. Chuck Norris sent one of his eyelashes to roundhouse kick Jean into Orbit. chuck norris doesn’t use a phone. He just screems out the window till he gets who/what he wants. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. Thats all the jokes I got right now but more will be coming. So what do you think of them? __________________ thanks shonen Last edited by Twitchy; Feb 02, 2006 at 04:50 PM.
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Feb 02, 2006, 06:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
Miroku4444 Tournaments Won: 3 Ecchi Enthusiast Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 3,232 Thanks: 2 Thanked 16 Times in 16 Posts Credits: 13,909	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) Wtf, Im not reading all that. I think ive see all this b4 somewhere. EAO, i think? __________________ "You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, you'll set the dogs on me. But that's what has to happen."
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Feb 03, 2006, 01:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
Rave_Grip I hate idiots on AO. Kill Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Life is an illusion. Posts: 2,314 Thanks: 0 Thanked 11 Times in 11 Posts Credits: 14,876	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) <_< Not funny enough >_< __________________ Wherever you see, there is always 98% of people who love something; and 2% that don't. I'm pretty sure that not ALL 98% of peeps don't support Lolita or anything. So if you agree, put it in your sig. \| .:~My AO Gallery~:. \| \| .:~The AO Rules~:. \|
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Feb 03, 2006, 02:31 AM	#4 (permalink)
Patrick Chan Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: I will be where the wind blows Posts: 430 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 110	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) duh...
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Feb 03, 2006, 08:49 AM	#5 (permalink)
Twitchy Commissar Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: At Hughes grave Posts: 664 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 220	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) God you guys just dont get them do you __________________ thanks shonen
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Feb 03, 2006, 10:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mazer AO Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: right outside of reality, just inside insanity Posts: 215 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 210	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) chuck norris doesnt teabag...he potato bags Mazer __________________
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Feb 03, 2006, 05:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
Twitchy Commissar Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: At Hughes grave Posts: 664 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 220	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) hehe good one __________________ thanks shonen
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Feb 03, 2006, 05:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
Soshi Kitai For You... Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: The farther you go, the less you know. Posts: 1,245 Thanks: 0 Thanked 6 Times in 5 Posts Credits: 9,052	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) ........... THAT... IS... funny... >u< ... Abu Dhabi is currently laughing her ass off... ^_^ Thank you for a happy day. __________________ Click here to Brawl! We had an awesome anniversary! Click here to join in on the fun!
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Feb 03, 2006, 05:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
SasuraiHell Perpetual Perversion Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A very pink realm?.... Posts: 1,362 Thanks: 3 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Credits: 9,912	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) lol no one else find the all american, man's man chuck to be funny, i just think itss cheesly funny , and way here's some you've already herd. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. f you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. __________________ KuroHime will own you! win> [Forum/GallerySupport][Sasu'sGallery][AOLaws][My SimpleSite] 360tag-Epicold
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Feb 03, 2006, 07:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
Twitchy Commissar Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: At Hughes grave Posts: 664 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 220	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) Hehe those are some good ones Hell dude __________________ thanks shonen
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Feb 03, 2006, 07:22 PM	#11 (permalink)
Chubz Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Vancouver Island, British Columbia Posts: 365 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 329	Re: Chuck Norris Facts (Humor) lol!! my friend was telling me a couple of these the other day...they are funny in a cheesy way...my favourite was: "Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement."
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