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Thread: .Hack//Daioh

  1. #1
    Newbie Solid may be famous one day Solid may be famous one day Solid's Avatar
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    .Hack//Daioh

    Author: of course you know I did not make Azumanga Daioh, OR .Hack...i just watched the episodes XD This is a crossover fanfic of Azumanga meets .Hack//Sign
    Chapter 1
    Tomo: Hey Yomi look at this!
    Yomi: What is it now To-.... -_-; A game. A stupid computer game......AGAIN!
    Tomo: But....it's not any game...it's THE game!
    Yomi: Whatever, I'm not your mom anyways, do you even HAVE a computer!?
    Tomo: ya! Dont you? I can buy one for everyone, there only $2!
    Yomi: uh....$20...
    *yomi points toward the covered up zero*
    Tomo: Aww man! I can only afford 2!!
    * Sakaki and Chiyo-chan come walking in dragging Osaka*
    Osaka: Nooooo!! Not the horror shop!!
    Chiyo-chan: For the last time! The horror shop is next door!
    Tomo: Why are you here?
    Sakaki" WE were following Miss Yukari. *points over to the register*
    Man: Well, heres your game! This seems to be a popular one this year!
    Tomo: Hey! Thats the one I was gonna buy!
    Yomi: yup....
    Osaka: Hey Miss Yukar-
    *Tomo and Yomi cover her mouth and jump behind the desplay that had two warriors and in bold letters "The World".*
    Miss Yukari: *while passing by* Video game! Video game! Lalalalala!
    Tomo: now I REALLY want to buy the game!
    Others: Us too!

    Chapter 2

    * Tomo races home and turns on the computer*
    Tomo: Woo hoo! Good thing Sakaki and Chiyo-chan decided to buy it for us all!
    *Makes account and starts playing game*
    Yomi: Finally!
    Tomo: Whoa! Teary-eyed diet girl!
    Yomi: >: O STOP CALLING ME THAT!
    Tomo: What?
    Chiyo-Chan: Tomo Yomi! Knock it off!
    *Yomi has Tomo in a headlock*
    Tomo: *looks up* They actually right down your actions? COOL!
    Yomi: So, Have you found Yukari yet?
    Chiyo-chan: *sweat drop* Yup... *points toward a rock* Miss Sakaki is trying to stop her from killing Osaka....
    *Miss Yukari starts pummeling Osaka on the head with her sword*
    Osaka: Ow...Ow...Ow...
    Yukari: THAT’S what you get for falling asleep in class! AND FOR FOLLOWING ME!
    *POP! *
    *Everyone looks at what used to be a clock tower*
    Tomo: Hey...is that Kaorin?
    Sakaki: Yea, she’s the new administrator, she’s the one that told Miss Yukari about this game. That appears whenever there are updates.
    Kaorin: Howdy yall! I have a new update! Today is the first annual culture fest! I hope you enjoy this new activity to the world! More info on this event will be on the bulletin board.
    * Keeps on repeating*

    *Log in noise*

    Kaorin: Hello Miss Sakaki! ^_^ My! You look like the pretty and famous Mimiru!
    Sakaki: Um........thanks?
    Tomo: *jumps in* AND ME...........?
    Kaorin: You look like your real life self, Sakaki is a Mimiru with longer black hair. Everyone else looks like their human selves.... *looks down at Chiyo-Chan* *eyes get big* Chiyo-chan!!!! Your so adorable!!!!!!

    * another login noise*

    Everyone: *Turns around*
    Kaorin: Oh......my......god...
    Tomo: What? *turns*
    Kaorin: It’s.........Mimiru!!!!

    I hope you enjoyed these two chapters, I am currently working on chapter three, I would appreciate feedback please!

  2. #2
    Newbie Shougo may be famous one day Shougo may be famous one day
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    I love .Hack

    I like ur story there
    I am following you, watching your every move..........Exactly like a SHADOW

  3. #3
    M A S T E R Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan's Avatar
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    Personally, I don't like any fanfiction done in "script" format. It leads me to believe that the author has no grasp of the rules of composition regarding dialog. Also, people who write in script format rarely take the time to develop a story's setting or action thus leaving the story half-empty.

    You could have a winning piece of writing if you took more time in story development. The bit you labled as "Chapter 1" is only 21 lines long! It does nothing to set up the story or characters. By line 60 you've already rammed headlong into the main plot! Where's the suspense? Where's the story to suck the reader in?

    How you get to a plot point is just as important as the plot point itself. You've got a novel concept for a fanfic but you're going way too fast. Slow the pace down. Don't drag the reader kicking and screaming into the story, make the reader want to go there of their own volition.

    "The point of a journey is not to arrive."
    Clan? What Clan?
    I'm the Master. I need no Clan.

  4. #4
    Newbie Solid may be famous one day Solid may be famous one day Solid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zui Quan
    Personally, I don't like any fanfiction done in "script" format. It leads me to believe that the author has no grasp of the rules of composition regarding dialog. Also, people who write in script format rarely take the time to develop a story's setting or action thus leaving the story half-empty.

    You could have a winning piece of writing if you took more time in story development. The bit you labled as "Chapter 1" is only 21 lines long! It does nothing to set up the story or characters. By line 60 you've already rammed headlong into the main plot! Where's the suspense? Where's the story to suck the reader in?

    How you get to a plot point is just as important as the plot point itself. You've got a novel concept for a fanfic but you're going way too fast. Slow the pace down. Don't drag the reader kicking and screaming into the story, make the reader want to go there of their own volition.

    "The point of a journey is not to arrive."
    YES! A critic!

  5. #5
    Otaku Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle's Avatar
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    I like the story so far. It's an interesting mix of shows. I have to disagree with Zui on the jumping around part. Azumanga Daioh sort of did jump around a lot so if that was your attention of doing so that is good. If not then Zui and myself will start rolling up a newpaper to hit you in the head. Just kidding.

    Read Magical Detective Daisuke. Part 9 is finally out! Click here to read it! For the complete collection of Magical Detective Daisuke click here.

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