Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: i wrote this :)

  1. #1
    Newbie rokku hina may be famous one day rokku hina may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    ROCHESTER BABY
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Talking i wrote this :)

    This pain that suppresses my inner ecstasy grows stronger every second
    The horrific thoughts that race through my mind intensify my misery
    Making me run away from all the things I’ve grown to love
    Making me want to end the pain
    Extinguish the fires that burn deep within my heart
    The line between depression and insanity seems to thin as the pain continues to thrive and surge through my veins
    And it slowly devours my happiness, my compassion, my soul
    I am now a drone
    My purpose is simple
    To live unknown
    And to die cold and alone



    --rokku hina--

  2. #2
    Newbie rokku hina may be famous one day rokku hina may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    ROCHESTER BABY
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Talking i wrote this too! :)

    Your body against mine
    This is merely a dream
    The touch of your lips
    Is what I crave
    Your eyes gazing upon me
    Is my impossible wish
    The temptation is what I fight
    Only to be followed by your utter disregard
    My chance has come and gone
    I remain
    Unnoticed
    Unwanted
    Unwelcome


    --rokku hina--

  3. #3
    Newbie rokku hina may be famous one day rokku hina may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    ROCHESTER BABY
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    PLESE REPLY

    --rokku hina--

  4. #4
    Devoted Otaku youth_anime_fan may be famous one day youth_anime_fan may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    585
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    First.. My eyes hurt when I read the red with this background. There is an official moderator thread about it in the service announcement forums... Second... I haven't seen you around, so welcome to AO, and please read some rules or FAQ. Be patient. Thats another awsome virtue. As for your poem, it has a lot of raw emmotion and is quite good. you should be commended on your diligence in obtaining the neccesarry means to write like that. It rymes well and is easy to follow.

  5. #5
    Otaku Vaines may be famous one day Vaines may be famous one day Vaines's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Brussels, Belgium
    Posts
    295
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    First poem: Hmm to me some lines are way too long, like they are trying to force this pain onto us...

    Second poem: Very nice, this one flows pretty well, which is good with this type of poems Oh, and seeing the construction of your poem, just something you might try remplace the second line "This is merely a dream" simply by "Is is merely a dream" and try to read it again. To me it flows even better, but that's just me

  6. #6
    Newbie rokku hina may be famous one day rokku hina may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    ROCHESTER BABY
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Talking thanks!

    wow thanks for your input on my poems! yeah im pretty new on this site so im not totally comfortable with everything...yet. sorry about the color, thats just the color of my hair!(i dye my hair constantly) but ill work on the color and ill take all of your input and try to make my next thread of poems better! thank you to both of you that want to help me!

    oh and sorry about the lenght of the lines, when im upset i go up to my room and just write and write because im not very good at talking about my feelings... touchy feely just isn't my thing...

    thanks again!


    --rokku hina--

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts