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Thread: Magical Detective Daisuke Part 4

  1. #1
    Otaku Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle's Avatar
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    Magical Detective Daisuke Part 4

    Please read and respond here. I enjoy hearing what you have to say about M.D.D.

    Wow this fan fic has gotten to Part 4 already? Hopefully everyone who read Part 1-3 enjoyed the story so far. In this Part Daisuke takes the exam to become a detective. Orginally Part 3 was longer but I broke it up into three parts (Parts 3-5) so you guys could enjoy reading the story without having to read all year. Please enjoy Part 4.

    Magical Detective Daisuke Part 4

    Morning comes bright and early. Daisuke is asleep snoring.

    Satomi: (Throws a book at Daisuke) Get up Daisuke!
    Daisuke: What was that for?

    Satomi: You sleep like a log! You should be at the police station taking the exam!
    Come on get up! You are making me late! Look I’m not your babysitter! Hurry up!

    Daisuke: Okay, okay!

    Satomi: Look I’ll give you a lift over there. I have to go work at the police station today anyhow.

    Daisuke: Thank you Satomi.

    Satomi: Yeah, yeah just hurry up!

    Satomi drives Daisuke to the station.

    Test Official: You must past the test to become a detective. Normally we have a week of training before the test but due to the shortage of qualified people to take the job we reduced it to just the test.

    Daisuke: (Talking to himself) This should be easy just answer a few multiple choice questions and I will pass.

    An hour of the testing has passed.

    Daisuke: This test is so hard! Argh! (Daisuke pulls his hair) There’s no way I’m going to pass it!

    Meanwhile on the other side of the police station…

    Officer: Hey you can’t come back here! That’s the city’s records room!

    Agent Anchorite: Move aside officer, the Aura Organization requires the location of the Master of Wind.

    Officer: I’m not letting you inside! (Blocks the entrance)

    Satomi sneaks over to the alarm and pushes it.

    Satomi: Sorry that’s classified information.

    Agent Anchorite: Oh really? I think you will (Snaps his fingers) Aura Hunters move them aside but don’t kill them. We don’t need to make a scene… yet.

    Back in the test room.

    Test Official: There’s an emergency in the building. Please leave out in an orderly…

    People running and panicking.

    Daisuke goes outside in front of the building. Daisuke talks to an officer.

    Daisuke: What’s wrong? Is there a fire in there?

    Officer: No, even worse the Aura Organization broke in and took some hostages in the records room!

    Daisuke looks around.

    Daisuke: Does anyone know where Satomi is?

    Secretary: She was in the records room when these creepy guys walked past me.

    Daisuke: She must be one of the hostages! There’s no way I can let them have their way! I’m going in there! (Daisuke ran toward the building but someone grabs his shirt)

    Woman: No don’t go in there. They would kill you if you rush in without a plan. (Smiles) You should stay here I’ll go in.

    Daisuke: Are you nuts?! What could you do? You’re just some woman! I’m going in and there’s nothing you can do about it! (Daisuke walks past the woman)

    Woman: You have spunk kid (Hits Daisuke in the back and knocks him out) but I can’t have an innocent bystander get hurt. Sorry I had to do that kid. (Woman runs inside the building)

    A few minutes later Daisuke wakes up.

    Daisuke: Ow my back. Where did that woman go? She is going to get herself killed! She must have gone inside! (Daisuke runs inside the building)

    Daisuke gets close to the records room.

    Daisuke: (Hears screams) It’s coming from over there! (Runs to the door and peeks around the corner)

    Agent Anchorite: So you think you can beat us all?! (Laughs) Aura hunters attack!
    Woman: Cyclone Burst! (The wind blows a desk at the Aura Hunters crushing them into a wall) I don’t know what you’re doing here, but you won’t get away!

    Agent Anchorite: I just want to talk your master. Where is he?

    Woman: I doubt you really just want to talk! You never approach any master that way!

    Agent Anchorite: Maybe this will change your mind, Toro come out! (Toro is covered head to toe in sharp armor with a glowing ring around his neck)

    Toro: Yes Master what is your bidding?

    Daisuke enters the room.

    Woman and Daisuke: Toro!

    Agent Anchorite: You’re the boy without magic! (Laughs) You should have taken my warning seriously! Now you will die with this woman! Kill them both Toro!

    Toro: As you command master. I’m enhancing magic power now. Metallic Wind!

    Woman: Cyclone Burst! It’s still coming at us!

    Read Magical Detective Daisuke. Part 9 is finally out! Click here to read it! For the complete collection of Magical Detective Daisuke click here.

  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku youth_anime_fan may be famous one day youth_anime_fan may be famous one day
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Turtle
    People running and panicking.
    Daisuke goes outside in front of the building. Daisuke talks to an officer.
    You could try to make these a bit more lively for reading pleasure. I'm not going to tell you how to do your work, but just an idea....

    Your story is fine and good. I'ts enjoyable and nice. Good job, Ted!!

  3. #3
    Otaku Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by youth_anime_fan
    You could try to make these a bit more lively for reading pleasure. I'm not going to tell you how to do your work, but just an idea....

    Your story is fine and good. I'ts enjoyable and nice. Good job, Ted!!
    What do you mean more lively? Please explain to me. Did you mean the whole series or just that part that you quoted?

    Read Magical Detective Daisuke. Part 9 is finally out! Click here to read it! For the complete collection of Magical Detective Daisuke click here.

  4. #4
    Devoted Otaku youth_anime_fan may be famous one day youth_anime_fan may be famous one day
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    SINCE YOU ASKED ME, I'LL TELL YOU, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT "CORRECTING" YOU, I'M GIVING YOU ADVICE. AS I AM EXTREMELY GOOD WITH ENGLISH, AND I EXELL AT IT. I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO BETTER YOUR STORY.


    Some of it's very good, but your mainly lacking:

    1.) DESCRIPTION. You have to make it descriptive without just listing what's what.

    Example:Satomi, who had just put on his coat, threw a dictionary at Daisuke, yelling "Get up lazy!!" Daisuke rose from his mess of blankets and moaned "what was that for?"

    It tells you the way he says it, what kind of clothing satomi wears, and since its a "dictionary" instead of a "book" you know what size it is. And it sorta blends in better than: Satomi was wearing a coat. He threw a book at Daisuke. ect.. REMEMBER.. Description should be IN THE LINES. not seperete sentences telling you the discription!!

    2.) SENTECE VARIETY

    "People running and panicking."--not that good. You want your readers to get a mental picture of what's happening. You tend to use a lot of simple sentences. Use some more creative sentences.

    Example: Hearing the emergency, the pedestrians fled for their lives and terrified people clumsily fled the building.

    "hearing the emergency" gives a feel of "bonding" to the sentence structure. In other words, it sounds a little better.

    Also, you can do these things a lot better without the script format. Daisuke: , Toro: , ect...

    You hint at who's saying what by interjecting thier name. Example:

    Daisuke ran towards the front of the building and sought out the nearest police official. He hurredly asked him, "What's happening here!" The police official responded, "blah blah blah" -- you get the picture. Like I said, it depends. Script is better for storylines that are going to be drawn in a manga right away. they are not good for just reading a novel type story.

    THIS IS MY ADVICE, NOT CORRECTIONS THAT YOU NEED. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN WRITING STYLE, AND IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO WITH YOUR OWN STORY.

  5. #5
    Otaku Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle may be famous one day Ted Turtle's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by youth_anime_fan
    SINCE YOU ASKED ME, I'LL TELL YOU, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT "CORRECTING" YOU, I'M GIVING YOU ADVICE. AS I AM EXTREMELY GOOD WITH ENGLISH, AND I EXELL AT IT. I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO BETTER YOUR STORY.


    Some of it's very good, but your mainly lacking:

    1.) DESCRIPTION. You have to make it descriptive without just listing what's what.

    Example:Satomi, who had just put on his coat, threw a dictionary at Daisuke, yelling "Get up lazy!!" Daisuke rose from his mess of blankets and moaned "what was that for?"

    It tells you the way he says it, what kind of clothing satomi wears, and since its a "dictionary" instead of a "book" you know what size it is. And it sorta blends in better than: Satomi was wearing a coat. He threw a book at Daisuke. ect.. REMEMBER.. Description should be IN THE LINES. not seperete sentences telling you the discription!!

    2.) SENTECE VARIETY

    "People running and panicking."--not that good. You want your readers to get a mental picture of what's happening. You tend to use a lot of simple sentences. Use some more creative sentences.

    Example: Hearing the emergency, the pedestrians fled for their lives and terrified people clumsily fled the building.

    "hearing the emergency" gives a feel of "bonding" to the sentence structure. In other words, it sounds a little better.

    Also, you can do these things a lot better without the script format. Daisuke: , Toro: , ect...

    You hint at who's saying what by interjecting thier name. Example:

    Daisuke ran towards the front of the building and sought out the nearest police official. He hurredly asked him, "What's happening here!" The police official responded, "blah blah blah" -- you get the picture. Like I said, it depends. Script is better for storylines that are going to be drawn in a manga right away. they are not good for just reading a novel type story.

    THIS IS MY ADVICE, NOT CORRECTIONS THAT YOU NEED. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN WRITING STYLE, AND IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO WITH YOUR OWN STORY.
    I prefer script format it's so much easier to understand who is talking than to write in a novel format at least for me. In the first part of Magical Detective Daisuke I said that this was a Manga/Story. The idea of writing more descriptions into the story does appeal to me though. Lol after reading the story so far I noticed I never actually described what the characters look like. I never thought about that since I personally know what the characters look like and I have drawn most of the characters out already. Though you guys can't see my pictures since I don't have a scanner and I draw by hand and not on PC. I will add more descriptions so you can at least visualize the characters and what stuff looks like. I'm delaying part 5 so that I can take care to this idea that youth_anime_fan asked me to do. Also I wanted to do a little bio for each of the characters before the part of the story. I'm starting with Daisuke in part 5 and have you guys vote for the next bio on a poll in the next part. Hopefully I can add sentence variety too. In case if you were wondering I did other stories and had an editor(he was a good friend of mine) to correct stuff for me lol seriously I did. This is the first time that I did the editing myself. Lol I got a load on me. I hope people are enjoying the story so far and will continue to read this fanfic. Feel free to add anymore comments, questions, and suggestions and I will try my best to answer and improve on stuff.

    Read Magical Detective Daisuke. Part 9 is finally out! Click here to read it! For the complete collection of Magical Detective Daisuke click here.

  6. #6
    PiNk HaIr FaNaTiC Boo45 may be famous one day Boo45 may be famous one day Boo45's Avatar
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    haha...i think its just great!..hmmm...very interesting story line and original...i can give u that much...maybe even more? XD

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