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Thread: Pathetic...

  1. #1
    Newbie geishagallows may be famous one day geishagallows may be famous one day
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    Unhappy Pathetic...

    Well I guess I can't handle reviews onmy writing...I was about to cry when I saw what the person said...I write on Fan-fiction.net. Somebody said about my story THATS HORRIBLE! etc. etc. I guess they gave good advice but maybe they werent being honest? Oh well can sumone help me and tell me if it's really that terrible?

    This isn’t my first fan fic but it may as well be if you saw my last fan fic from suikoden you’d understand I was ill experienced. Oh yea and I spay people, ppl, sorry habit.

    ~

    Chinatown, full of mystery and allure, where reality is bent to ppl’s dreams and desires. There’s a lone pet shop in these quarters, run by a beautiful owner by the name of D, who knows what that means, death, desire, drown, decedent, dreams, maybe destiny? Only the beasts know, do you?

    ~

    *Leon wanders into the pet shop, cigarette dangling loosely from his cautious lips. * Yo count!

    *From some curtained corner of the lounge the elusive count appears (beautiful as ever) smiling sweetly at the lovely Leon. * Hmm…Detective?

    *Being as thick and unaware of subtlety as possible he narrows his eyes suspiciously, wondering if he had handcuffs (after all he may need them later ‘hint hint’). * What’re you grinning about?

    *Count D’s smile widens as Q-chan flutters to Leon’s shoulder* Your just in time for tea. *Without letting Leon get a word in D went to pour the tea assembled neatly on the oriental coffee table*

    *Leon gives Q-chan a dirty look then turns the look on D* don’t use so much damn sugar! *he paused to think if there’s a law against using a lot of sugar*

    *D oblivious to Leon’s mean intent, looked up innocently and smiled that smile that twisted feelings inside the young officer like mad* I thought you liked it sweet?

    *Leon stood and went to examine how much sugar was added, not remembering that he wouldn’t be able to see through such dark tea* There’s a difference between sweet…and too sweet!

    *D finally ceases and sighs* ahh perfect for Q-chan! *Q-chan makes a cute squeal that is irresistible even to bitter Leon*

    *Leon groaned at his weakness for the adorable creature* yea whatever…

    *D turned around towards the detective in poor memory* Oh, would you like me to prepare you some cinnamon coa-coa?

    *Leon’s stomach seemed to like the idea, so with a slight grunt he nodded and went to sit back in the chair he had been in. He grumbled something unintelligible, then still sitting, his eyes roamed the shop for something illegal. *

    * ‘Sweat drop’ D went to the kitchen with an awkward feel* (That man…)

    * As expected Leon grumbled some more about there being not enough evidence, etc. etc. *

    * D returned with a gorgeous oriental platter and cup, filled to the brim with a warm auburn liquid, giving off a lustrous aroma. In the other hand a not-so-selfish count D held a tray of expensive cake slices. * Don’t these look delicious?

    *Leon hesitates at the tone of D’s voice, as he pronounced delicious, and then shutters in slight arousal (no way, he can’t be feeling that way already!)* Uh, yea, they’re great. *Leon had to be sarcastic to escape his feelings of desire towards the androgynous demi-god *

    *D placed the lovely cup on the coffee table*

    *Leon went too soon to grab the cup, finding D’s hand in his*

    *They both paused for a VERY long moment looking into each others eyes captivated by the entire process of their discussion*

    *D could tell Leon didn’t know what to do, so he simply sighed* Somebody’s got to eat all these scrumptious treats, we don’t want them to go to waste, do we?

    *Leon took control of the cup shakily, now that he feels emotionally torn apart, and takes it down like a shot, then raises his arm inferring something in gest* I have to get back to work I’ve wasted enough time here…*he took a piece of pumpkin chevon cheesecake before he left and stuffed it in his mouth, ever the manly man*

    *D once again, sadistically smiles at Leon to his viewing mis-pleasure, waving primly like a Chinese doll* be back tomorrow for tea? (He always is)

    *They part… sweet dreams…*

    ~

    Well that’s the first chapter, OMG, this is so awesome! Oh uh fyi my friend Noah did the dialogue and stuff for Leon, I did Count D. I’m very much a D-like person…exept like ten times ditsier…*sigh*. Well the next chapter isn’t too far from being created, I’ll either consult Noah on the next plot, or just use the idea I sorta had, I’ll tell you as it comes ok? Remember to review!!!

  2. #2
    The Antagonist Eriadd may be famous one day Eriadd may be famous one day
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    Oi. Did you happen to not see the part of the Forum that said: FanFics and poems?

    There's an area for this kind of stuff, so please, either have a mod remove this and move it there, or just post it there. Don't post it here.

    Also: if you don't like criticism, then that's not good for you, because sometimes people will criticize you, and you won't like it - but it will be true.
    Last edited by Eriadd; Dec 26, 2004 at 07:56 PM.

  3. #3
    Tem
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    Otaku Darts - 301 Champion, Chopper2 Champion Tem may be famous one day Tem may be famous one day Tem's Avatar
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    hmm... for some reason.. i got kinda confused... hmmm but prolly it's just me, since my head is a little jello today, with 2 days of no sleep... but oh well... first thing on my head about th story... well, dialogue kinda confuse me... although i admit u prolly are a better writer than me... but still... *jello head*


    "Tama-chan! "

  4. #4
    Witch Hunter GallComp may be famous one day GallComp may be famous one day GallComp's Avatar
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    Wrong place... Moving to fanfics section...

  5. #5
    Otaku AnimeFreaks may be famous one day AnimeFreaks may be famous one day AnimeFreaks's Avatar
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    is leon a girl O_o lol.... Umm... In my opinion its rather really good. I'm wondering (perhapes i missed it while i was reading your entry), if this is a mystery story. ya know with detectives and all.

  6. #6
    Newbie Winter may be famous one day Winter may be famous one day Winter's Avatar
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    Hmn...there seems to be confusion...I'm confuzzled too

  7. #7
    Otaku Dragor may be famous one day Dragor may be famous one day Dragor's Avatar
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    Well I get it, I mean it's not confusing to me, but it's just weird. First they're sorta enemies and ten suddenly they develop feelings for each other. It jsut moves to fast.
    Dreams come true, but nightmares do too.

    Life isn't a game, it's just a referal to the time you exist on this playground called Earth.

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