Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Pitfall [poem]

  1. #1
    Devoted Otaku youth_anime_fan may be famous one day youth_anime_fan may be famous one day
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Pitfall [poem]

    Bird hits my window and fall
    I come outside to hear it call
    slowly watching it die
    For a moment my only pet.

    walking through the woods one day
    finding a squirrel; maybee stray
    it flies from the trees and hits my face
    hospital bills come by the case

    fun family vacation takes a quick turn
    right into that small gorge called "grand canyon"
    knowing the feeling of flying was a dream
    Now it is a haunting nightmare

    The bahamas sound nice this year
    just a little storm should come near
    my hotel was nice and safe
    till the roof blew off and scared my face

    I become hungry and find something to munch
    Boiling some eggs for a salad Im gonna eat
    taking off the shell of the egg
    A chicken fetus greets me

    working on the job earning some money
    puting together a building with my buddy
    fifty feet in the air a rivit falls
    down my pants, and i eventually hit the ground

    We all will eventually fall into a pit and die.

  2. #2
    Newbie BBoyPHoeNiX1337 may be famous one day BBoyPHoeNiX1337 may be famous one day BBoyPHoeNiX1337's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Currently... Lanham MD
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Not a bad poem, there are some humorous aspects, but you lose consistency towards the end with your rhyme and rhythm. Poetry doesn't need either, but if you start with it, it's generally best to end with it. Keep writing, cause that's the only way to improve
    Unless I grip the sword, I can not protect you. While gripping the sword, I can not embrace you.


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts