Silent Confession of a Tortured Heart [musing]
Silent Confession of a Tortured Heart
May 13, 2005
by: Silver Nightingale
I noticed that I've been eating more and more chocolates lately. A sure sign that I'm depressed about something. I hope this wave of sadness would be washed away soon. I guess my mind's been a bit active lately and thinking about certain things... Well, they could take their toll, especially if those thoughts would be of things one longs to forget.
I admit that we could never escape the past. In fact, I encourage people to recall their memories both good and bad. It's part of what makes us who we are. Without these experiences, we would not be 'us'. But at times, I could not help but wish that things had gone differently. It's unfair that we could only make a decision once and we could never turn back time to undo the said decision.
The past is haunting me. At first it's easy to ignore but it has been more and more difficult to ignore with each passing day. I can't help but wonder. What if I've done something differently then. Would it have made me happier? Did I even make the right decision? How could I possibly know? I can't have the liberty to compare events. It's either this or that and that's all there is to it. Yes, that's all there is to it.
I'll be happy for as long as one of the most important persons in my life is happy. But the question would be--Is the person I'm sacrificing for happy? I believe that he is. At least, that's what I've heard. I hope, with all of my heart, that he is, indeed, content.
At times I can't help but think--Am I a masochist? Do I enjoy tormenting myself? Do I enjoy feeling the agonizing punches thrown my way? Do I enjoy acting as a shield all the time?
I don't know what to think anymore. I may not even be making any sense right now but... This is how I feel. This is how I feel right at this very moment. I care not whether they are incoherent strings of words loosely tied together. I don't care at all.
It does get rather tiring to mask my emotions all of the time. These words... They're longing to be heard... I believe that I have denied them of freedom long enough. How long has it had been anyway? A year? Maybe more, maybe less. Who knows? I've lost track of time.
Time seems to slip past between my fingers like sand from a shattered hourglass. I miss the good old times. Yes, I'll admit it, I do. Nothing lasts forever, eh? How true... I just wish I made the best out of things while they lasted. But I was a coward; I was too scared to face reality and so here I am, drowning myself in childish fantasies.
But who knows? Maybe in due time, I would learn how to swim. And then, I won't suffocate in the forlorn abyss of my imagination anymore. However, the sad thing is that even if I do learn how to swim, the sensation of being submerged in the intoxicating currents of dreams would be forever felt and known by my senses.
But at least there, I know that I would be able to find peace... Even if I know for a fact that I'm merely fooling myself....
"Hear the words that long to be heard..."