Gin Nightingale

Silent Confession of a Tortured Heart
May 13, 2005
by: Silver Nightingale
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I noticed that I've been eating more and more chocolates lately. A sure sign that I'm depressed about something. I hope this wave of sadness would be washed away soon. I guess my mind's been a bit active lately and thinking about certain things... Well, they could take their toll, especially if those thoughts would be of things one longs to forget.

I admit that we could never escape the past. In fact, I encourage people to recall their memories both good and bad. It's part of what makes us who we are. Without these experiences, we would not be 'us'. But at times, I could not help but wish that things had gone differently. It's unfair that we could only make a decision once and we could never turn back time to undo the said decision.

The past is haunting me. At first it's easy to ignore but it has been more and more difficult to ignore with each passing day. I can't help but wonder. What if I've done something differently then. Would it have made me happier? Did I even make the right decision? How could I possibly know? I can't have the liberty to compare events. It's either this or that and that's all there is to it. Yes, that's all there is to it.

I'll be happy for as long as one of the most important persons in my life is happy. But the question would be--Is the person I'm sacrificing for happy? I believe that he is. At least, that's what I've heard. I hope, with all of my heart, that he is, indeed, content.

At times I can't help but think--Am I a masochist? Do I enjoy tormenting myself? Do I enjoy feeling the agonizing punches thrown my way? Do I enjoy acting as a shield all the time?

I don't know what to think anymore. I may not even be making any sense right now but... This is how I feel. This is how I feel right at this very moment. I care not whether they are incoherent strings of words loosely tied together. I don't care at all.

It does get rather tiring to mask my emotions all of the time. These words... They're longing to be heard... I believe that I have denied them of freedom long enough. How long has it had been anyway? A year? Maybe more, maybe less. Who knows? I've lost track of time.

Time seems to slip past between my fingers like sand from a shattered hourglass. I miss the good old times. Yes, I'll admit it, I do. Nothing lasts forever, eh? How true... I just wish I made the best out of things while they lasted. But I was a coward; I was too scared to face reality and so here I am, drowning myself in childish fantasies.

But who knows? Maybe in due time, I would learn how to swim. And then, I won't suffocate in the forlorn abyss of my imagination anymore. However, the sad thing is that even if I do learn how to swim, the sensation of being submerged in the intoxicating currents of dreams would be forever felt and known by my senses.

But at least there, I know that I would be able to find peace... Even if I know for a fact that I'm merely fooling myself....


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"Hear the words that long to be heard..."

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Shade/K' Heart

I know exactly what your going through. For I guess my first 15 years of life on this Earth, I had no identity. I drown myself in video games, and fantasy. I even came to the point at age 16 and 17 to create my own fantasy, which is now my game idea RPG. I have recently stopped creating it, because I finally found what I was looking for, a purpose. I thought that I would make video games one day, but began writing, then writing poetry, and well here I am. I'm well loved for my poems, and I finally have the love of my life. What i'm trying to say is, don't let the past beat you up... instead learn from it, if possible, and make the most of the choices you have made. I may not be in college, but I can create with the best of them, because I have heart. Harness your talents, and grasp the things in reach, and everything will turn out fine.... and a little faith doesn't hurt either...lol. Good luck to you in everuthing that you do.

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Far be it for me to be anything special, when the only special thing I desire with me, is the special person I share my gifts with.

roger_smith

Tinuveil you could not of said it any better and what you said about wanting to go back and change a decsion you have made is something we all think about but if we could we would lose all sense of time because we would be going back and changing every little mistake. Well at least I would because there are thousands of mistakes I've mdae. Heh Heh like the joke yah so do I. But back to the point; you have expressed many hard truths in this writing which are difficult for some people to realize and these are: that no matter what you do you feel as though you could do it better or more to your liking and that you never feel complete until you've found as K'Heart said a "purpose". I have still not found mine yet and I feel that the overwhelming thought of suicide will conquer me before I do.

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This pain is sratching at my bone.
And this Loneliness won't leave me alone.