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Thread: Stare [Poem:Rating:E]

  1. #1
    Newbie Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony's Avatar
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    Post Stare [Poem:Rating:E]

    Stare

    As I stare at you…

    I can see the emptiness within your eyes.

    As I stare closer…

    I see the pain you carried for so long.

    As I stare closer and closer…

    I can see all the tears you held back.

    As I walk towards you…

    I see your soul has lost its way.

    As I walk closer you…

    I can see how scared you are.

    As I walk closer and closer to you…

    I see your eyes start to water.

    As I stare at you…

    I can see the resemblance you uphold.

    As I stare closer…

    I see how badly you want to die.

    As I stare closer and closer…

    I can see…that all along it was me.


    Please give constructive criticism on what you thought of the poem.

    'Sexy Lady'
    Credit to: jaderabbit for the picture

  2. #2
    Otaku Lady Sasumi may be famous one day Lady Sasumi may be famous one day Lady Sasumi's Avatar
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    It's good, the only part I'm not really too fond of is the repeating line like: As I stare at you…, As I stare closer….

  3. #3
    Banned Kikinaki may be famous one day Kikinaki may be famous one day Kikinaki's Avatar
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    Yes, the repeating part would be a little to much, but judging it overall, its a very nice poem!

  4. #4
    Otaku roger_smith may be famous one day roger_smith may be famous one day roger_smith's Avatar
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    I do not agree with Sasumi Kikinaki. Many poems are themed exactly like this one well not exactly but still it is a beautiful poem and I have fallin in love with it.
    This pain is sratching at my bone.
    And this Loneliness won't leave me alone.

  5. #5
    Newbie Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony's Avatar
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    Lol..well everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I do thank you guys for taking the time to read it....this poem has made it as one out of 6 finalists...and my poem is going to be published in a poetry book...which i have heard of.....but never put any attention to it. Thanks Roger ^.^

    'Sexy Lady'
    Credit to: jaderabbit for the picture

  6. #6
    Otaku Lady Sasumi may be famous one day Lady Sasumi may be famous one day Lady Sasumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roger_smith
    I do not agree with Sasumi Kikinaki. Many poems are themed exactly like this one well not exactly but still it is a beautiful poem and I have fallin in love with it.
    Yes, a lot of poems are themed this way, and I really don't prefer the style. Would love to see another poem you have written with a different style to it.

  7. #7
    Newbie Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony may be famous one day Lady Symphony's Avatar
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    Well I do have plenty of others with different styles, I'll probably post up my very first poem.

    'Sexy Lady'
    Credit to: jaderabbit for the picture

  8. #8
    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
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    are you in love? that poem rocks you should become a politician lol, indeed great poem my lady symphony keep it up!!^^!!

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