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Thread: Dragons Legend

  1. #1

    Dragons Legend

    Hi there, yeah I know this site is about anime and I joined it because I simply LOVE anime but I wanted to post a little bit of a dragons novel I'm writting. I just want anyone to read it LOL I need to know what other people think of it so if you don't mind can you take a just a little while and read this chapter and then coment on MSN messenger([email protected])? Thank you for your time and help.

    The tower of trials
    (2nd Chapter)

    Sion was woken up by the mage that travelled with him, they were walking for days, two weeks if Sion wasn’t wrong, he was wondering if they would ever stop walking when the mage suddenly stopped in the middle of a forest, and for the first time Sion heard his voice:
    “Are you ready?”
    Sion waved affirmatively, the mage said some words that he didn’t understand and in that very instant one gigantic tower rose right before his eyes. Sion observed the amazing black tower for some time, until he was awoken by the mage’s voice:
    “What are you waiting for? Enter the tower and fulfil you destiny.
    Sion looked to the place where the mage was and when he was going to ask what the mage meant with “Fulfil you destiny” he noticed that the mage was no longer there, he was gone. Sion stood there some minutes thinking and looking to the tower, then he opened the tower’s huge gates and entered.
    The tower’s interior was dark and cold; it took him some time for his eyes to get used to the darkness. He was in a small and empty room, there were some troll statues, looking strangely alive, perfectly aligned forming a corridor to some stone stairs leading up. Sion stepped away from the gates and started walking in the direction of the stairs, suddenly a very loud noise was heard, like something had exploded from behind him, Sion looked back and he saw that the gates had closed and short after they disappeared. He took in a big gasp of air and thought “Well I can’t go back now” he continued trough the corridor until he reached the stairs and started climbing them, his steps echoed in the empty room has he climbed.
    In the end of the stairs there was a door, Sion opened it and tried to see what was inside but the room was covered in complete darkness.
    “yaw ym thgil!” - said Sion in the magic ancient language as he opened his right hand, he felt the energy flowing trough his body and then he released it.
    One ball of light emerged from his open palm and started floating over his back. In spite that this magic was easy and Son could perform it lots of times without getting tired, other magic’s would leave him completely tired and that was the biggest danger he had to face in the tower, not knowing what to do and waste large amounts of energy hopelessly leading him to a certain death.
    He examined the room carefully, in its centre there was an abysm that looked like endless and the only way to get to the other side was a narrow bridge made of rope and wood. In each side was a Minotaur statue, once again the statues looked strangely alive but he confirmed has he got near that they were really made of stone. He carefully started crossing the bridge that trembled with every step he made. When he was halfway Sion heard the sound of an animal breathing, he looked back and saw the statue moving in its direction with an axe in it’s hands. When the statue stepped on the bridge it trembled very hard menacing to ruin. Sion started walking back to run away but in the moment that he turned he saw the other statue right behind him. He dodged right in time to prevent the axe from chopping his head off. He walked back trying to think in what to do but he knew that he didn’t had much time left, the other statue was nearing him. He was trapped in a bridge by two statues and as if that wasn’t enough the bridge menaced to ruin at any minute. He tried to calm down to concentrate but he had no idea, desperately he raised his hand in the direction of the statue that was in front of him and screamed:
    “Llams erif!”
    He felt that well known feeling from the energy rushing trough his body and then one fireball flew from his hand and crashed into the creature, the statue did not stop not even trembled it simply continued walking in his direction. Sion had wasted energy, he kept walking backwards without knowing what to do, soon he wouldn’t have anywhere to go, he was a little more than one meter from the creature behind him. He rushed his thoughts trying to find a solution but no idea came to his head, until he thought of something that might work, he raised his hand in the direction of the creatures axe in his front and said:
    The axe flew from the statues hand and stayed floating some metres above its head. The creature looked up disoriented looking for its axe and it felt on top of its head crashing it and making a loud noise, then the remaining of the creature fell onto the darkness bellow. The other statue just kept walking towards Sion without even making a sign of have noticed the other one being destroyed. Sion ran to the end of the bridge and the statue ran after him, when Son got to the other side of the bridge he stopped, looked to the creature and laughed then he pointed his hand to the ropes sustaining the bridge and said:
    “Ssorc tuc!”
    One sharp ray, which looked like the moon in the first quarter, flew from Sion’s hand and cut the ropes, without the ropes sustaining it, the bridge ruined. The statue roared in hate as it felt in the nothingness, short after the noise stopped and Sion turned it’s back to go away but then he realized of one little detail that he didn’t noticed when he started crossing the bridge, on this side there was nothing, there wasn’t a door not even an small opening, nothing…

    Once again Thank you for reading "Dragons Legend" 3rd chapter!I very much appreciate it.

  2. #2
    Otaku AniManga Hound may be famous one day AniManga Hound may be famous one day AniManga Hound's Avatar
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    Re: Dragons Legend

    Well, you've got alot of run-ons, sentences that need to be revised to make more sense and the whole thing itself is completely out of format. Also, consider mastering you own language before creating an entirely new one.

    I'm highly stressing the 'you've got alot of run-on sentences' part, by the way. Remember, only use 'and' once, never use too many commas to separate ideas (unless it's a list), and finally; it's always okay to use a dash or period. Well, not ALWAYS okay, of course.

    Keep eating so many dogs and you're bound to be Communist

  3. #3

    Re: Dragons Legend

    Thank you for your post AniManga Hound, you didn't said if you had liked it or not...yeah I know there's some errors that need revising, after all that part was written 2 years ago lol I'll do that as soon as I finish the story.The errors I make are because my mother language is Portuguese not English, I just wrotte it in English because I like to writte in that language, the words flow easier.Are you interested in reading everything I wrotte till now?I would appreciate it...Once again thank you for reading.
    -----------------------------Double Post Merge---------------------------------------------
    By the way...The "magic language" isn't a new language it simply is reversed english LOL
    Last edited by SionTheSoulHunter; Apr 05, 2006 at 01:25 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

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