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Thread: Act III in Tandem

  1. #1
    super effective Last Man Standing Champion FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd's Avatar
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    Act III in Tandem

    I smiled back
    as imperfectly as her
    In her eyes I saw want
    Her kiss was of ambrosia

    This kiss had meaning behind it
    There were still no fireworks
    We were too world weary
    No stars in the darkness

    However, it chased the cold
    Filled the hollow
    It quelled our biting unease
    and blew life into dead embers

    The kiss deepened
    My mind went frenetic
    Entertaining impossible hopes
    Dreaming an illusion of love

    When she broke the kiss
    My eyes were terrible hopeful
    She stopped holding me
    I was warm where she touched

    Plays of emotion on her face
    Act III in tandem
    "Take me"
    I nodded

    ---
    Well, I don't know what to say about this 'cause it's such a far cry from what I typically write. Surprisingly I didn't throw in any incest or rape or something.

    Don't worry though, I'm not losing my morbid touch. So enjoy.
    the love you withhold is the pain you carry.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Act III in Tandem

    WoW! This was nice!!! I really, really enjoyed reading this... Very nicely done ^^ There's nothing I could say that I don't like ... The rythm is perfect as always in your poems, really no wonder your username is Flawed Mind

    Umm the story under this is simple and yet so wonderful... Lol ^^ well very nice work alltogether and I hope to see more ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  3. #3
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Act III in Tandem

    I really like this one! Very descriptive and you have a good vocabulary, which makes for an excellent poem. I especially like the title. 'Tandem' has always been one of my favorite words. So, when I seen this, I was pretty impressed. Good ups!
    Last edited by atomik_sprout; Dec 18, 2007 at 03:29 PM. Reason: oops


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    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: Act III in Tandem

    I found no rhythm, or flow in my reading. But I found much meaning in the separate statements that made it.
    """
    However, it chased the cold
    Filled the hollow
    It quelled our biting unease

    and blew life into dead embers

    """
    The cold that was the dieing faith, the loss of interest or the mighty chance of lost love, faltered by the warmth.

    Filling that which felt empty, the blank feeling when you can't decide. Quelling such unease that brought you together that night.

    At least that's what I depicted in a way.


    I like it. ^^


    """

    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

  5. #5
    super effective Last Man Standing Champion FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd may be famous one day FLawEdmiNd's Avatar
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    Re: Act III in Tandem

    ...

    Whoa for the awesome critique.

    I haven't had any /good/ criticism since Kasai stopped reading. (No offense to other readers><>)

    It sucks there wasn't flow. I'll try harder with my next poem.

    Thanks yall'z (w00t for /tandem/)
    the love you withhold is the pain you carry.

  6. #6
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Act III in Tandem

    You used some very powerful images although I didn't really get the whole idea of the poem possibly because I didn't read parts I and II being that I 've been away for a while. As for the flow of the poem is seems forced a little to me I think punctuation would do this poem some justice like in the first stanza, where you say

    I smiled back
    as imperfectly as her
    In her eyes I saw want
    Her kiss was of ambrosia

    after I smiled back put a comma because you haven't finished a complete thought or sentence. Overall this poem definitely has potential and I honestly see just a few tweaks here and there that need to be made. I look forward to reading more of you work in the future FLawEdmiNd.

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