Act III in Tandem

FLawEdmiNd · Dec 14, 2007, 04:05 PM

I smiled back
as imperfectly as her
In her eyes I saw want
Her kiss was of ambrosia

This kiss had meaning behind it
There were still no fireworks
We were too world weary
No stars in the darkness

However, it chased the cold
Filled the hollow
It quelled our biting unease
and blew life into dead embers

The kiss deepened
My mind went frenetic
Entertaining impossible hopes
Dreaming an illusion of love

When she broke the kiss
My eyes were terrible hopeful
She stopped holding me
I was warm where she touched

Plays of emotion on her face
Act III in tandem
"Take me"
I nodded

---
Well, I don't know what to say about this 'cause it's such a far cry from what I typically write. Surprisingly I didn't throw in any incest or rape or something.

Don't worry though, I'm not losing my morbid touch. So enjoy.

*Lasura* · Dec 16, 2007, 08:30 AM

WoW! This was nice!!! I really, really enjoyed reading this... Very nicely done ^^ There's nothing I could say that I don't like ... The rythm is perfect as always in your poems, really no wonder your username is Flawed Mind

Umm the story under this is simple and yet so wonderful... Lol ^^ well very nice work alltogether and I hope to see more ^^

*atomik_sprout* · Dec 18, 2007, 02:29 PM

I really like this one! Very descriptive and you have a good vocabulary, which makes for an excellent poem. I especially like the title. 'Tandem' has always been one of my favorite words. So, when I seen this, I was pretty impressed. Good ups!

Tetsanosuke Kirikami · Dec 18, 2007, 02:58 PM

I found no rhythm, or flow in my reading. But I found much meaning in the separate statements that made it.
"""
However, it chased the cold
Filled the hollow
It quelled our biting unease
and blew life into dead embers

"""
The cold that was the dieing faith, the loss of interest or the mighty chance of lost love, faltered by the warmth.

Filling that which felt empty, the blank feeling when you can't decide. Quelling such unease that brought you together that night.

At least that's what I depicted in a way.

I like it. ^^

"""

FLawEdmiNd · Dec 19, 2007, 03:08 AM

...

Whoa for the awesome critique.

I haven't had any /good/ criticism since Kasai stopped reading. (No offense to other readers><>)

It sucks there wasn't flow. I'll try harder with my next poem.

Thanks yall'z (w00t for /tandem/)

BlueFox1 · Dec 19, 2007, 04:45 PM

You used some very powerful images although I didn't really get the whole idea of the poem possibly because I didn't read parts I and II being that I 've been away for a while. As for the flow of the poem is seems forced a little to me I think punctuation would do this poem some justice like in the first stanza, where you say

I smiled back
as imperfectly as her
In her eyes I saw want
Her kiss was of ambrosia

after I smiled back put a comma because you haven't finished a complete thought or sentence. Overall this poem definitely has potential and I honestly see just a few tweaks here and there that need to be made. I look forward to reading more of you work in the future FLawEdmiNd.

Dec 14, 2007, 04:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
FLawEdmiNd Otaku Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: winnipeg Posts: 455 Thanks: 1 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts Credits: 7,854	Act III in Tandem I smiled back as imperfectly as her In her eyes I saw want Her kiss was of ambrosia This kiss had meaning behind it There were still no fireworks We were too world weary No stars in the darkness However, it chased the cold Filled the hollow It quelled our biting unease and blew life into dead embers The kiss deepened My mind went frenetic Entertaining impossible hopes Dreaming an illusion of love When she broke the kiss My eyes were terrible hopeful She stopped holding me I was warm where she touched Plays of emotion on her face Act III in tandem "Take me" I nodded --- Well, I don't know what to say about this 'cause it's such a far cry from what I typically write. Surprisingly I didn't throw in any incest or rape or something. Don't worry though, I'm not losing my morbid touch. So enjoy. __________________ THE EXAMiNED LiFE
Status: Offline

Dec 16, 2007, 08:30 AM	#2 (permalink)
Lasura Angelic Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Demon's Arms Posts: 1,866 Thanks: 56 Thanked 32 Times in 30 Posts Credits: 49,192	Re: Act III in Tandem WoW! This was nice!!! I really, really enjoyed reading this... Very nicely done ^^ There's nothing I could say that I don't like ... The rythm is perfect as always in your poems, really no wonder your username is Flawed Mind Umm the story under this is simple and yet so wonderful... Lol ^^ well very nice work alltogether and I hope to see more ^^ __________________ My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
Status: Offline

Dec 18, 2007, 02:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
atomik_sprout CHUCK NORRIS!!! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 2,087 Thanks: 55 Thanked 69 Times in 64 Posts Credits: 110,749	Re: Act III in Tandem I really like this one! Very descriptive and you have a good vocabulary, which makes for an excellent poem. I especially like the title. 'Tandem' has always been one of my favorite words. So, when I seen this, I was pretty impressed. Good ups! __________________ http://www.myspace.com/boondocksamurai Last edited by atomik_sprout; Dec 18, 2007 at 02:29 PM. Reason: oops
Status: Offline

Dec 18, 2007, 02:58 PM	#4 (permalink)
Tetsanosuke Kirikami Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere in ol'Michigan Posts: 117 Thanks: 15 Thanked 13 Times in 13 Posts Credits: 10,866	Re: Act III in Tandem I found no rhythm, or flow in my reading. But I found much meaning in the separate statements that made it. """ However, it chased the cold Filled the hollow It quelled our biting unease and blew life into dead embers """ The cold that was the dieing faith, the loss of interest or the mighty chance of lost love, faltered by the warmth. Filling that which felt empty, the blank feeling when you can't decide. Quelling such unease that brought you together that night. At least that's what I depicted in a way. I like it. ^^ """ __________________ "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."
Status: Offline

Dec 19, 2007, 03:08 AM	#5 (permalink)
FLawEdmiNd Otaku Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: winnipeg Posts: 455 Thanks: 1 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts Credits: 7,854	Re: Act III in Tandem ... Whoa for the awesome critique. I haven't had any /good/ criticism since Kasai stopped reading. (No offense to other readers><>) It sucks there wasn't flow. I'll try harder with my next poem. Thanks yall'z (w00t for /tandem/) __________________ THE EXAMiNED LiFE
Status: Offline

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Dec 19, 2007, 04:45 PM	#6 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Upcoming Legend Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,176	Re: Act III in Tandem You used some very powerful images although I didn't really get the whole idea of the poem possibly because I didn't read parts I and II being that I 've been away for a while. As for the flow of the poem is seems forced a little to me I think punctuation would do this poem some justice like in the first stanza, where you say I smiled back as imperfectly as her In her eyes I saw want Her kiss was of ambrosia after I smiled back put a comma because you haven't finished a complete thought or sentence. Overall this poem definitely has potential and I honestly see just a few tweaks here and there that need to be made. I look forward to reading more of you work in the future FLawEdmiNd. __________________
Status: Offline

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