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Thread: Aged and renewed

  1. #1
    AO's Demon Slayer Hexxagon Champion, Match Stick Soccer Champion Blade X may be famous one day Blade X may be famous one day Blade X's Avatar
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    Aged and renewed

    I have seen countless storms,
    Countless more battles,
    My arms have spun endless,
    As the winds of change comes,
    But I stand alone in the changing landscape.

    I have seen people come and go,
    I have sheltered them from storms,
    I have witness the love shared between them,
    I have offered myself to those who need it,
    But I stand alone till the end of time.

    I have chipped and broken away,
    Piece by piece as others go on with their lives,
    If I could speak, I would have countless tales,
    People would stay and listen to me,
    But I stand alone watching the world change

    I have fallen into despair with no one to mend me,
    Then like a God-send gift, a kind stranger takes pity,
    He makes stronger and feel young again,
    And he stays to live with his family,
    But I stand now, watching this family grow and bossom.

    plz comment

    Thanks for the siggy Ky-lyrra

  2. #2
    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    This is a poem from the windmill contest u entered...
    I guess a different title changes everything XD

    But I stand now, watching this family grow and bossom
    A sweet ending to it ^^ It sorta gives out a warrior's life. o_O i dunno...im so dumb...i wouldn't understand it Nice poem jason

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    Fish Fingers & Custard Ice Hockey Champion, Smaugs Treasure Champion, Mini Putt 3 Champion, Ant Tracks Champion, Jungle Hunt Champion, Madnetics Champion, Manole Champion, Blokken Champion, Fast Food Fiasco Champion, Shapes Hifters Champion, Mud and Blood: Vietnam Champion HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    i like how you stand alone watching th changes
    of life then standing alone to to see people go
    by with time and then to watching another person prosper after
    showing you pitty leaving you a nothing in return.
    its like life has totaly over looked you through the winds of
    chance and time and is laughing at you by showing you
    somone elses good fortune while you fade away. very
    awesome blade i love how you did this and that what i got from it
    and glad to be able to read anoter poem you rule
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
    I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
    They're one in the same, I must isolate you...
    Isolate and save you from yourself

  4. #4
    Otaku Hold.Me.X.Thrill.Me may be famous one day Hold.Me.X.Thrill.Me may be famous one day Hold.Me.X.Thrill.Me's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    Your poems are always so depressing Blade!

    Anywhoo, this part ~

    I have seen people come and go,
    I have sheltered them from storms,


    Makes it seem you are being used.. just something I noticed ^^;;

    TY Sasurai for the lovely sig!*

  5. #5
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    Critique coming.


    I have seen countless storms,
    Countless more battles,
    My arms have spun endless,
    As the winds of change comes,
    But I stand alone in the changing landscape.


    You have to ideas in the same stanza. Perhaps expand more on the countless battles and your doings in those battles? Before moving on to calm state.

    I have seen people come and go,
    I have sheltered them from storms,
    I have witness the love shared between them,
    I have offered myself to those who need it,
    But I stand alone till the end of time.


    The overuse of I starts to annoy me. Be more creative with the narrator of the poem.

    I have chipped and broken away,
    Piece by piece as others go on with their lives,
    If I could speak, I would have countless tales,
    People would stay and listen to me,
    But I stand alone watching the world change


    And then you go and change the meter of the poem? And not even with good structure. Try to be consistant with your structure of the poem. And if you are going to change the layout of the stanza in the middle of the poem, atleast try to make it appealing to the eye.

    I have fallen into despair with no one to mend me,
    Then like a God-send gift, a kind stranger takes pity,
    He makes stronger and feel young again,
    And he stays to live with his family,
    But I stand now, watching this family grow and bossom.


    Revising your poetry is a good thing. Make sure to reread it before clicking "submit". Eh, the ending was pretty calm and I really didnt understand what you were trying to convey.

    All in all? An okay poem.
    Seduced by Flesh


  6. #6
    AO's Demon Slayer Hexxagon Champion, Match Stick Soccer Champion Blade X may be famous one day Blade X may be famous one day Blade X's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    is it me or did it jus get cold in here....lol

    kasai for the critic's comment........i always want to improve myself so all comments are welcomed

    Thanks for the siggy Ky-lyrra

  7. #7
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    I want you to grow as a poet. ^-^
    Seduced by Flesh


  8. #8
    Newbie hinata89 may be famous one day hinata89 may be famous one day
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    Re: Aged and renewed

    well i don't like to critiuqe peoples work. because to me what makes a poem great is the emotions felt while writing the words. and feelings can't be critiqed because their always genuine no matter what they are. and i like the way you used weather and change you knoe the whole winds blowing peices breaking stuff because the images it put in my head were wild. i enjoyed reading it!

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