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Thread: All Apologies

  1. #1
    Fish Fingers & Custard Ice Hockey Champion, Smaugs Treasure Champion, Mini Putt 3 Champion, Ant Tracks Champion, Jungle Hunt Champion, Madnetics Champion, Manole Champion, Blokken Champion, Fast Food Fiasco Champion, Shapes Hifters Champion, Mud and Blood: Vietnam Champion HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice's Avatar
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    All Apologies

    Everything is gone not a
    laugh or smile in sight!
    Everything is hopless i
    can't seem to fimd my place!
    Everything is dark why cant
    i see you as you stand there?

    My heart is cold inside there's
    nothing for me here just a pillow
    full of tears, how i wish i could
    be satisfied but i am alway's
    wanting more.

    The life around me blur's in
    front of my eye's god help
    me i think i might just die
    from all this pain i have
    nothing's real but hate now.

    How i wish i could be happy
    but it seems it will never
    come , i smile so slightly
    hoping dawn will break this
    darkness but it want.

    The lie's, no one here can live
    with out them, the truth
    how it seem's so rare today
    oh my god i think i am crying
    dont know why and i dont care.

    I don't care for things the
    way they are and i guess
    i never will,the fact is that
    i crave love but have never
    gave what i wanted.

    I am sorry i didnt mean to
    be this way .I am sorry if
    i gave hate and kept the pain
    inside me .oh god i wish
    i could take it all back....but its to late

    ok i know this is longer than the other's
    but i was trying to see if i could give it
    some length i know i still beed work
    on my poems byt any comments or sugestions will
    be welcomed
    Last edited by HolderOfTheDarkChalice; Aug 20, 2006 at 01:06 AM.
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
    I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
    They're one in the same, I must isolate you...
    Isolate and save you from yourself

  2. #2
    Otaku Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah's Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    Interesting..... Not bad. There're some mistakes, but it can still be help. I enjoy it. Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes, there's nothing to be embarrased of.
    Carve an amble now,
    Saying that the day's still bright,
    And let's play with time.

  3. #3
    Fish Fingers & Custard Ice Hockey Champion, Smaugs Treasure Champion, Mini Putt 3 Champion, Ant Tracks Champion, Jungle Hunt Champion, Madnetics Champion, Manole Champion, Blokken Champion, Fast Food Fiasco Champion, Shapes Hifters Champion, Mud and Blood: Vietnam Champion HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice's Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    thanks and i hope todo a poem one day with out mistakes
    but as long as peoplelike the poems i do i will post them
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
    I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
    They're one in the same, I must isolate you...
    Isolate and save you from yourself

  4. #4
    Heavy Metal Goddess CherryBlossom18 may be famous one day CherryBlossom18 may be famous one day CherryBlossom18's Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    I really loved it.It made me cry.you misspelled a word or two,but other than that it was very good.

  5. #5
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    I liked this.. and I've a few comments too..

    Well.. first.. the easy one..

    How i wish i could be happy
    but it seems it will never
    come , i smile so slightly
    hoping dawn will break this
    darkness but it want.

    In this stanza the word "want" is out of place. Perhaps a typo or grammatical mistake... should be "won't" if I'm guessing correctly.

    Second. I noticed in some of your lines, the flow breaks, which you should better illustrate by using commas, you've shown that you understand the concept throughout some of the poem.. but you should take time to pick out such details..

    Other than that.. if flowed very nicely.. and had an interesting concept.. I liked it, and by the way, punctuations aren't of big consequence in my book, but it is a way to improve the imagery and flow that you intend.
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

  6. #6
    Fish Fingers & Custard Ice Hockey Champion, Smaugs Treasure Champion, Mini Putt 3 Champion, Ant Tracks Champion, Jungle Hunt Champion, Madnetics Champion, Manole Champion, Blokken Champion, Fast Food Fiasco Champion, Shapes Hifters Champion, Mud and Blood: Vietnam Champion HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice's Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    ok i see what you mean and it was a grammical erroe i wasnt sure wich one to use with won't but i do now thanks . and i have problems with punctuation
    i sort of really got the hang of it when i was in school but i try to put them when
    i think they need it. and thanks again for that tip
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
    I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
    They're one in the same, I must isolate you...
    Isolate and save you from yourself

  7. #7
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    No problem man.. just passing on the knowledge I've once been taught myself ^.^
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

  8. #8
    Fish Fingers & Custard Ice Hockey Champion, Smaugs Treasure Champion, Mini Putt 3 Champion, Ant Tracks Champion, Jungle Hunt Champion, Madnetics Champion, Manole Champion, Blokken Champion, Fast Food Fiasco Champion, Shapes Hifters Champion, Mud and Blood: Vietnam Champion HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice is making a name for themselves HolderOfTheDarkChalice's Avatar
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    Re: All Apologies

    cool knowledge is pwer thats for sure
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
    I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
    I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
    They're one in the same, I must isolate you...
    Isolate and save you from yourself

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