Amerika

-=Broken^Halo=- · Sep 10, 2006, 03:21 PM

Amerika...

Little plastic remnants of broken youth.
Distorted memories of perceived truth.

Fear laid bricks of angst and wrecks.
cacophonies with kissable checks.

Signs of power and greedy swipes.
behold the majesty of all types.

Gluttonous skeleton hand of lies,
that choke and break the infinite wise.

Eyes searching for what’s right,
They’ll be blind by the end of night.

Minds wandering through belief,
that twist the rules and bend relief.

Arrogant authorities that harass,
A battle of money and seamless cash.

Social standards that will raise,
confidence in its own charade.

pin pricks from beneath the lids,
eyelash dances of horny kids.

Androgynous faulty non-parents,
that promote ignorant violence.

A twisted world with hateful glee.
A damned home of the moronic free

*Kasai* · Sep 10, 2006, 05:42 PM

I think the couplets could have been combined to make quatrains. Other than that? Beautiful poem.

*TaurusDemon23* · Sep 10, 2006, 05:44 PM

*CLAP CLAP CLAP!!* Well done! I liked the structure and the lines. America's state in a nutshell.

*BlueFox1* · Sep 11, 2006, 12:27 AM

Well you hit every point of the land of the free to a T! Good job on the rhyme structure! Very well written and projected to get the point across!

BlueFox1

*HolderOfTheDarkChalice* · Sep 11, 2006, 12:32 AM

i agree the points were welll made and i liked ereading it just to read it
as well and life is always gonna be hard like that and bad ,but i still belive
AMERICA can come back no matter how bad it looks i have faith in her

-=Broken^Halo=- · Sep 11, 2006, 03:14 AM

America will never be back.. the old ways of honor and justice are gone.. to much corruption with in the system, mainly starting with street officers and working it's way searingly to judges, All this country cares about is money. People aren't even people anymore, just check books, wallets and little money grabbing machines. Seriously, how many places even have decent customer service anymore? Your not a person.. just a new penny.

Oh yeah.. and I revised the poem a bit.. check it out.

Pride_Edward · Sep 11, 2006, 03:19 AM

Bravo Broken Halo! You described Amerika just the way it is...it's one of the greatest poem i've ever red! I won't forget this one...

-=Broken^Halo=- · Sep 11, 2006, 03:31 AM

Oh yes.. and thank ye all for ye'r comments and all.. 'tis much appreciated and what not.

Sep 10, 2006, 03:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
-=Broken^Halo=- Otaku Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas,USA Posts: 226 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Amerika Amerika... Little plastic remnants of broken youth. Distorted memories of perceived truth. Fear laid bricks of angst and wrecks. cacophonies with kissable checks. Signs of power and greedy swipes. behold the majesty of all types. Gluttonous skeleton hand of lies, that choke and break the infinite wise. Eyes searching for what’s right, They’ll be blind by the end of night. Minds wandering through belief, that twist the rules and bend relief. Arrogant authorities that harass, A battle of money and seamless cash. Social standards that will raise, confidence in its own charade. pin pricks from beneath the lids, eyelash dances of horny kids. Androgynous faulty non-parents, that promote ignorant violence. A twisted world with hateful glee. A damned home of the moronic free __________________ Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu\|23 Last edited by -=Broken^Halo=-; Sep 11, 2006 at 03:18 AM.
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Sep 10, 2006, 05:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Amerika I think the couplets could have been combined to make quatrains. Other than that? Beautiful poem. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
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Sep 10, 2006, 05:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
TaurusDemon23 Devil's Advocate Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Nowhere, Yet Somewhere.... Posts: 1,511 Thanks: 1 Thanked 44 Times in 40 Posts	Re: Amerika CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Well done! I liked the structure and the lines. America's state in a nutshell. __________________ NoT tHe SiGgY yOu R lOOkInG 4 Move Along.
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Sep 11, 2006, 12:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Devoted Otaku Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Amerika Well you hit every point of the land of the free to a T! Good job on the rhyme structure! Very well written and projected to get the point across! BlueFox1
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Sep 11, 2006, 12:32 AM	#5 (permalink)
HolderOfTheDarkChalice King Of Darkness Join Date: May 2006 Location: someplace where the only light is the moon above Posts: 2,957 Thanks: 66 Thanked 58 Times in 54 Posts	Re: Amerika i agree the points were welll made and i liked ereading it just to read it as well and life is always gonna be hard like that and bad ,but i still belive AMERICA can come back no matter how bad it looks i have faith in her __________________
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Sep 11, 2006, 03:14 AM	#6 (permalink)
-=Broken^Halo=- Otaku Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas,USA Posts: 226 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Amerika America will never be back.. the old ways of honor and justice are gone.. to much corruption with in the system, mainly starting with street officers and working it's way searingly to judges, All this country cares about is money. People aren't even people anymore, just check books, wallets and little money grabbing machines. Seriously, how many places even have decent customer service anymore? Your not a person.. just a new penny. Oh yeah.. and I revised the poem a bit.. check it out. __________________ Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu\|23 Last edited by -=Broken^Halo=-; Sep 11, 2006 at 03:18 AM.
Status: Offline

Sep 11, 2006, 03:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pride_Edward Otaku Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 247 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Amerika Bravo Broken Halo! You described Amerika just the way it is...it's one of the greatest poem i've ever red! I won't forget this one... __________________ Our own site: http://www.fma-adikz.tk
Status: Offline

Sep 11, 2006, 03:31 AM	#8 (permalink)
-=Broken^Halo=- Otaku Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas,USA Posts: 226 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Amerika Oh yes.. and thank ye all for ye'r comments and all.. 'tis much appreciated and what not. __________________ Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu\|23
Status: Offline

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